


You're ripped at every edge (but you're a masterpiece).

by cmdrleksa



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clexa, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, F/F, Murder, Smut, artist!Clarke, definitely not a happy story, drug addict!lexa, i think, inspired by "badlands"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-25 15:06:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 66,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4965616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmdrleksa/pseuds/cmdrleksa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The girl who has everything she could ever ask for meets the girl who has nothing. They fall in love, but sometimes love is not enough.</p><p>or</p><p>Clarke is famous and rich, and Lexa is a drug addict. Inspired by "Badlands" by Halsey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Home. Clarke Griffin is back home. It’s almost 3 am, she’s lying in her bed with her head on her boyfriend’s chest, and all she can think about is how lucky she is to be back in California. It’s not because she loves her city so much. 6 years ago she left not only her city, but her people. Her mum, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven. Her family. And now she’s got her family back.

 

Clarke had a good reason to move out. She’s always wanted to be an artist and a university in DC gave her a perfect opportunity. It was so worth it, because she’s only 25 and she’s one of the most popular young artist in DC and soon, hopefully, in Los Angeles. She’s beautiful, rich, and her art is all over tumblr. Her life seems to be perfect.

 

She is happy. She really is. Now that she’s back she’s more than happy. But she has that weird feeling that something’s missing. Like she doesn’t belong. Like this is not where she’s supposed to be. She’s not sure she’s living the life she wants to. She feels lost and Clarke’s tired of feeling like this. Moving back to Cali is supposed to make her feel better, but now that she’s finally there she’s not so sure about it anymore.

 

She hears Bellamy’s quiet snore. She looks at his face and smiles. She loves him. She really does. It feels good to be with him. He cares about her, he loves her, he supports her no matter what. He’s good for her. They’ve known each other for almost 20 years now, and they’ve dated for almost 7 and she thinks it’s been the best 7 years of her whole life. She thinks Bellamy might be the one.

 

She checks the time again. She knows she won’t fall asleep tonight, so she gets up trying not to wake her boyfriend up, puts her clothes on and leaves his warm apartment. She decides to go to the park, the one she’d go with her father to when she was young. She loves watching the city sleep, it feels like she’s the only person left on Earth, and she likes being alone sometimes. The city is much different from the way it usually looks and Clarke loves it. Once she reaches her destination, she finds a bench and sits down. The park is almost empty, she can see only few homeless kids sleeping on the ground. Her heart aches for them. When she was younger she would make cookies for homeless people with her father. She wishes she could help them, but she’s aware there’s not much she can do.

 

She sighs. Thankfully, she always has her sketchbook with her. She opens it and starts sketching the kids. She has to admit, it doesn’t make her happy anymore. Clarke feels like she’s doing this only to satisfy others – her fans and her critics, not because she enjoys it. Because she doesn’t. Not anymore. Clarke needs an inspiration, especially now, when she’s preparing her first gallery exhibition in LA. She hopes to find it here, in California, but again, she’s not sure if it helps.

 

Suddenly, she hears a movement behind her and before she can turn around she hears a voice.

 

“You have anything?”

 

When she turns around, she sees a girl, probably her age, looking back at her. She’s so incredibly hot Clarke’s speechless for a moment (yes, it is pretty dark in the park, but still). Everything about the girl is just _wow_. Her chestnut hair, her gorgeous face, her voice, her eyes. Probably the greenest eyes Clarke has ever seen. The blonde suddenly gets thirsty.

 

She looks down and then again at the girl. The brunette frowns and tries again.

 

“You know, drugs?”

 

“Uh, no, sorry.” Clarke finally replies, embarrassed.

 

The girl nods and moves to sit next to the blonde. When Clarke looks at her again, the girl is looking at something in the distance. She notices that even though the girl is pretty ( _so damn pretty_ ), she looks terrible. To be honest, she looks like shit. She is pale and her leather jacket and a muscle shirt seem to hang on her skinny body. Her full, pink lips are chapped. She looks like she haven’t used anything in a while. Clarke realizes she’s staring again, so she asks curiously.

 

“Shouldn’t you be more careful? How do you know I’m not a cop?”

 

“Yeah, probably.” the brunette shrugs. “You don’t look like a cop.”

 

“But I do look like a drug dealer?” she laughs.

 

“Not at all. That’s why you’d be a great dealer.”

 

“Maybe I should rethink my career path then.” Clarke jokes.

 

The girl finally looks at her, gives her a sad smile, and says:

 

“No, you should stay away from this shit.”

 

They sit in silence for a while, the girl’s eyes never leaving Clarke’s, until the blonde decides to break it.

 

“So what’s your name?” she asks.

 

“Now that I think about it you might be a cop, so I don’t think I can tell you. How do I know you won’t arrest me later for trying to buy heroin?” the girl asks seriously.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “It’s only a name. I’m not asking you to give me your address. “

 

“It’d be easy to find me though. There’s only one hot brunette named Lexa in this town.” she winks.

 

“You’re so full of yourself.” Clarke laughs.

 

The brunette smirks and asks: “What’s your name?”

 

“Clarke.”

 

“Clarke. “ she says. “I like it. It’s different. Unusual.”

 

“I’ve been told.” she replies.

 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Clarke.”

 

For some reason, Clarke really likes the way Lexa says her name.

 

“So what are you doing here in the middle of the night if you’re not a dealer?”

 

“I just felt like drawing.” Clarke shrugs and looks down at her sketchbook.

 

“That’s nice. Are you an artist?”

 

“Yeah, I am.” Clarke smiles. She doesn’t enjoy art that much anymore, but she’s still proud of herself.

 

Lexa looks impressed. “That’s amazing. I bet you’re really good. Can I see your drawings?”

 

Clarke blushes. While she doesn’t mind people seeing her paintings, her drawings are different. They’re much more personal and she’s not ready to show them to some girl she met 10 minutes ago. “Maybe next time.” she smiles.

 

“Oh, so there’s going to be the next time?” Lexa smirks.

 

“Yeah, I think we should do it again. Meet, I mean. I could show you some of my drawings. If you want to, of course.” Clarke offers.

 

“I’d love that.”

 

The blonde grins: “Next week then?”

 

 

 

 

It’s late in the evening when Clarke wakes up. She slowly opens her eyes and realizes she’s alone in the bedroom. She remembers her morning and smiles. After Lexa agreed to meet her in the park next week they exchanged phone numbers and Clarke left shortly afterwards. When she got into Bellamy’s apartment it was early in the morning, so she quickly fell asleep.

 

She stretches and groans loudly. She checks her phone before getting up to see if she’s got any messages from Lexa, but instead she finds several missed phone calls from Octavia and Raven and some Instagram notifications. She ignores all of them and decides to shower first. Once she’s done she goes to the kitchen where she finds a note from Bell:

           

_I gotta go to work, I’ll be back late. O and Rae want to come over so you won’t be alone. Love ya._

_B._

 

She smiles and texts the girls to let them know they can come over. She grabs something to eat and heads to the living room to wait for the girls there.

 

She’s known Octavia and Raven nearly her whole life. They met when they were very young, in kindergarten. Bellamy is Octavia’s older brother, so he joined the squad shortly afterwards and they’ve been friends ever since. She has other friends, of course, but she aren’t as important to her as the Blake siblings and Raven. They supported her when she needed them the most, they had her back no matter what, even when she left them and moved to DC. Clarke loves them with all her heart.

 

Her thoughts are interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

 

“Open the damn door, Griffin. It’s fucking freezing!” Octavia yells.

 

Clarke smiles and goes to the small corridor to open the door. Before she can do anything else she’s attacked my two pairs of familiar arms. She hugs both Raven and Octavia tightly and kisses them both on their cheeks.

 

“I’ve missed you, assholes.” she smiles.

 

“Of course you have, we’re awesome.” Raven says loudly.

 

Her friends finally release her and she notices Lincoln standing behind them.

 

“Hi Clarke.” he smiles and hugs her too.

 

“Hello, Linc. How’ve you been?” Clarke asks her younger friend.

 

“Alright, thanks.” he replies.

 

“Enough, I’m starving.” Octavia interrupts them and goes straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat.

 

After a while they are all sitting in the living room eating anything they could find in Bell’s fridge and watching TV. They quickly get bored, so they start talking about Lincoln’s upcoming birthday party. He’s turning 19 this Friday, so he’s much younger than the rest of the squad, but it’s never bothered them. Even though they’re 6 years older than him.

 

“I can’t throw a house party, so what do you think about going out?” the boy asks.

 

“There’s that new club, “The Ark”, I hear it’s pretty cool. We could go there. Don’t worry, we’ll get you something to drink” Raven winks at the boy.

 

They all agree to go there.

 

“Who are you gonna invite?” O asks.

 

“You, guys, Bell, Monty, Jasper, Maya, Miller, Harper, and Monroe.”

 

“12 people then.”

 

“Who the fuck are Maya and Miller?” Clarke’s confused.

 

“Maya’s Jasper’s girlfriend and Miller’s dating Monty.”

 

"Cool.”

 

“Wait, what about your sister?” Raven asks unexpectedly. “You’re not gonna invite the Commander?”

 

“No. She’s not invited.” Lincoln’s voice is as cold as his glare.

 

Raven sighs. “You two need to stop this shit and you know it. Your birthday party is a great opportunity to talk to her.”

 

“She’ll probably say no anyway.” he replies.

 

“Well, you need to ask her to find out. Seriously, Linc, talk to her.” Octavia says softly.

 

“Alright, I’ll do it.” he mumbles.

 

Clarke’s sitting in silence, listening to her friends’ conversation. She’s never met Lincoln’s sister and she doesn’t know much about her, since the boy hardly ever talks about the girl. She can’t wait to meet her though, she feels like they should talk. Her absence in Lincoln’s life clearly saddens her friend, so she’s going to talk to that bitch and make her spend time with her brother, no matter how busy she is.

 

They leave late that day, but before the end of Bellamy’s shift. Clarke sketches for a while, thinking about the mysterious girl she met in the park earlier. It’s been a busy day, so she didn’t really have time to do check her phone until now. Clarke isn’t disappointed when she finds no messages from Lexa, it’s not like the other girl promised she’d text her that day.

 

(She totally is disappointed.)

 

She sighs heavily and decides to go to bed. She gets up from the couch when she hears the door open. She grins and goes to the corridor, where she finds her boyfriend taking his shoes off.

 

“Hey, Princess.” He smiles and pulls her in for a hug. “I missed you.”

 

She kisses him on his cheek. “How was work?”

 

“Boring. Tell me about your day though.”

 

“Absolutely terrible. Your sister’s still the same annoying kid. And don’t get me started on that Reyes girl. Good Lincoln was here, you know he’s the only one I love.” Clarke jokes.

 

Bellamy laughs loudly. “I think what you mean is ‘I missed them all so much and I’m glad I got to see them again’, am I right?”

 

“Yep.” She replies and kisses him.

 

“Let’s go to sleep.”

 

“Okay.” she kisses him again.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“Yeah?” another kiss.

 

“I love you.”

 

She smiles and says “I love you, too.” before she kisses him again.

 

 

 

 

It’s Friday and Clarke wakes up alone again. She assumes Bellamy left already. She gets up abruptly. She’s supposed to help Raven get a birthday gift for Lincoln and she’s pretty sure she’s late. And she’s right – she checks her phone and finds several missed calls and messages from her best friend, as well as a message from an unknown number. She opens it first.

 

11:04 AM

Unknown number: Hello, Clarke, this is Lexa. I just wanted to make sure you still want to meet next Tuesday.

 

11:22 AM

Unknown number: Clarke?

 

11:26 AM

Unknown number: It’s okay if you don’t want to meet anymore, just let me know.

 

11:31 AM

Unknown number: It’s Clarke’s number, right?

 

11:39 AM

Unknown number: If it’s not, I apologize.

 

Clarke smiles and replies:

 

12:41 PM

Clarke: no worries lexa it’s me. cant wait to see you again :))

 

Lexa replies almost immediately:

 

12:42 PM

Lexa: I’m glad. I apologize for panicking and sending you so many messages.

 

12:43 PM

Clarke: its fine lex really :)

12:45 PM

Lexa: Okay. I can’t wait either, Clarke.

 

12:45 PM

Lexa: :)

 

Clarke puts her phone down. She’s relieved now that she’s gotten a message from Lexa. She’s not sure why, but she can’t wait to see her again. She wants to get to know Lexa, she wants to be Lexa’s friend. Definitely. A friend.

 

 

 

 

Clarke is exhausted. Shopping with Raven was fun, but it took the other girl almost 4 hours to finally decide what she wants to get. That’s why she’s happy the party’s already started – at least she can sit and drink her beer in piece. She looks at her friends dancing and smiles. They’re all so happy, even Lincoln. His sister hasn’t appeared yet and Clarke was already plotting her murder for letting her friend down.

 

“Clarke.”

 

She turns around and finds Lexa standing next to her. Clarke smiles.

 

“Lexa, hey. You wanna join me?”

 

The other girl nods and sits down.

 

“What are you doing here?” the blonde asks.

 

“It’s my brother’s birthday today and he invited me to go out with him and his friends. It seems he’s having fun right now and I don’t want to interrupt.”

 

“You’re Lincoln’s sister?!” Clarke is shocked.

 

“You know Linc?”

 

“He’s one of my friends. And i’m going to kick your ass now.”

 

“What? Why?” Lexa looks at the girl and raises her eyebrow.

 

“Are you serious right now?” the blonde snaps. “He misses you. He needs you in his life. Do you have any idea how disappointed he is because he thinks you’re not here tonight? He loves you and you don’t give a shit!”

 

The brunette clenches her jaw and for a moment Clarke thinks she will leave. But instead Lexa looks down and says:

 

“No, he doesn’t. He hates me. I can see the disgust in his eyes every time he looks at me. He doesn’t need someone like me in his life.”

 

Clarke is surprised. She didn’t expect to hear that. She takes one of Lexa’s hands and squeezes it. The brunette slightly raises her head.

 

“It is not true, Lexa. He loves you. You should talk to him.”

 

Lexa looks into her eyes and nods.

 

“Can I ask you something?” the blonde asks.

 

Lexa sighs. “No, Clarke, I’m not high.”

 

“Yeah, sorry.” Clarke is embarrassed.

 

“I’ve been clean for a while now.”

 

“So you didn’t buy anything that night?”

 

“No.” the brunette shakes her head.

 

“How does it feel? Being clean?”

 

“Fucking terrible.” Lexa smiles faintly.

 

“Can I ask one more question?”

 

“Sure.”

 

 “Why do they call you ‘the Commander’?”

 

The other girl laughs, but she’s interrupted before she can answer.

 

“Lexa?”

 

The two girls look up and see Lincoln’s smiling face. Clarke notices she’s still holding Lexa’s hand and quickly lets go of it.

 

Lexa grins and gets up. “Hey little brother.”

 

He hugs her tightly and they remain this way for a moment. Clarke watches them with a smile.

 

“I’m glad you’re here.” he says.

 

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” she assures him.

 

The rest of the squad approaches them. “Good to see you, Commander.” Raven says.

 

“It’s good to see you too, guys.” Lexa responds. They all sit down.

 

“How’ve you been, Lex? I haven’t seen you in a while.” Lincoln asks. Clarke can see the change in his behavior – he’s much happier and more relaxed now. She has no idea how it’s possible Lexa doesn’t see it.

 

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I didn’t feel good, but I’m better now.” she promises. “Let’s talk about something else now, though. We’ll have time to catch up later.”

 

“Oh really? So you’re not gonna disappear like you usually do?” Lincoln’s not convinced.

 

“No, I’ll be here as long as you need me.” she says and he smiles widely.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

They all sit in silence for a few minutes before Bellamy asks.

 

“Wait. You know Clarke?”

 

“Yeah, we met the other day.” Clarke explains.

 

“So this is that famous girlfriend of yours.” Lexa suddenly realizes.

 

“Yep, this is my Clarke.” Bellamy smiles and Clarke kisses him on his cheek.

 

“Cool.” When Clarke looks at Lexa again, the brunette seems to look disappointed.

 

They spend the rest of the night talking and dancing. It’s almost 3 AM and they’re all pretty drunk when they decide it’s time to go home.

 

“You can crash at my place, guys.” Bellamy offers.

 

“You don't have to invite us, we'd do it anyway.” Octavia replies.

 

Bellamy rolls his eyes.

 

Lexa interrupts him. “I should get going guys. I had fun, thanks for inviting me.” She’s about to leave when Lincoln stops her.

 

“Where are you going? You can sleep in your room, you still live with us.”

 

“I don’t think mother would be happy to see me.” she answers.

 

“Don’t be silly. Let’s go.”

 

Lexa glances at Clarke who smiles at her encouragingly.

 

“Okay then.” she finally agrees. They all say their goodbye’s and leave.

 

 

 

 

Lexa can’t sleep. She is lying in her old bed, in her old bedroom. She lived in this room for 24 years and yet it doesn’t feel familiar at all. It doesn’t feel like her room anymore. It used to be clean and colorful, with posters and photos on the walls. Now it’s dirty and empty. Lexa’s sold almost everything she could find in this room, because she needed money to buy drugs. Her laptop, her uncle’s guitar, her beloved bike. She’d do anything to get heroin, absolutely anything.

 

She haven’t slept in this room for so long, she almost forgot what it looks like. Living here is too hard for her. She’s the reason her mom is depressed, her brother lost his dad because of her, and she’ll have to live with this forever. This is why she avoids them. She can’t look them in their eyes, because all she feels is guilt that's eating her alive. Her presence only makes them angry anyway. She doesn’t blame them though, she wants them to be angry at her, because seeing pity in their eyes is too much for her. She doesn’t want it, she doesn’t deserve it. She should stay away from her family. They deserve much better than this.

 

She sighs. She knows she should leave her family alone, she should leave this house and never come back again, but she can’t bring herself to do this. She knows it would break Lincoln’s heart. She can still see the way his face looked like when he saw her in the club talking to Clarke. She doesn’t want to leave him again, but she knows that she has to. Seeing her brother again only makes her feel worse. She’s been clean for almost a month now, but now all she can think about is shooting up again.

 

She doesn’t want to think about it anymore, so she tries to think about Clarke instead. Surprisingly, it’s easy for her to do that. She thinks about their another meeting next week and smiles. She can’t wait to see the girl again. She likes talking to her. She doesn’t look at her like she thinks she’s pathetic, she doesn’t judge her. Of course she knows, it’s not easy for the blonde to accept her, but she doesn’t expect it to be. She’s glad she’ll have someone to talk to, someone to spend time with. She has friends, she has Echo and Gustus, but they’re not real friends. They’re people she spends time with. There’s no such thing as friendship in their world. If they had to, they’d fuck her over without thinking twice about it. She’d do the same. But Clarke’s different. She belongs to a different world, and Lexa thinks this is what she needs. This is what she wants. She wants this adorable blonde with beautiful eyes, gorgeous lips, and an _absolutely perfect_ body to be her friend.

 

Lexa freezes. Why is she thinking about Clarke’s body, lips, and eyes? This is not something friends do. Is she crushing on Clarke already? She smiles. Damn, that’s fast, but not surprising at all. The blonde is really hot. She can imagine holding the blonde, kissing her, and touching her. Making her happy.

 

Her smile immediately fades. There’s no way she could make Clarke happy. She’s a drug addict, she can only bring her pain. Besides, Clarke already has someone to make her happy, she’s dating Bellamy. Lexa knows the other girl would never leave Bellamy for someone like her.

 

She sighs. This is going to be hard.

 

 

 

 

Clarke is incredibly excited. The meeting with her old friend, John Murphy, and now an owner of the Polis Gallery just ended and she couldn’t be happier. She can’t wait to tell Bellamy about it. She’s waiting for him in their favorite bar. He’s a little late, but she doesn’t mind. She’s so excited, her very first exhibition in California is all she can think about. None of her friends has ever been to her exhibition before and she can’t wait to show them her paintings in the fucking Polis Gallery and make them proud. It’s only August, so there’s a few months left until Christmas, but she starts to plan everything in her journal.

 

She’s interrupted by someone’s familiar voice.

 

“Do you mind if I join you, miss?”

 

“I do. Please, stay away from me, or I’ll have to call my big bad boyfriend.” She says with a smile, not looking up.

 

Bellamy chuckles and kisses her on her cheek.

 

“How was the meeting, princess?  Tell me everything.” he asks.

 

He gives her a tight hug when she's done.

 

“I’m proud of you, did you know that?” he whispers.

 

“Thanks, Bell. It means a lot to me.” she quietly replies.

 

They both sit down again. After a few minutes of comfortable silence Bellamy asks.

 

“How do you feel? Are you ready to show Cage Wallace you’re one of the best artists in the country and he’s just an old jealous fuck?” he winks and she rolls her eyes.

 

“He’s not old. But I can’t wait to kick his ass, to be honest.” she mumbles. She hates Cage Wallace more than anything. She hates his sexist comments about her paintings, she hates his stupid smirk. She hopes this exhibition will shut his dirty mouth up.

 

“You can’t even fight, Clarke. Remember when you tried to fight Harper, because she'd touched your toy dinosaur and you tripped and broke your arm?” he giggles.

 

“I wasn’t as strong as I am now. And you know how I feel about Mr. Raccoon.”

 

“It happened 6 months ago, Clarke.”

 

“I don’t care.” she mumbles. Mr. Raccoon is her favorite toy and nobody's allowed touch him without her permission.

 

He laughs even louder and she kicks his leg under the table.

 

 

 

 

It’s Tuesday night and Clarke’s wide awake. It’s 2:45 AM and she’s supposed to meet Lexa soon. She can’t stop smiling, she’s missed the other girl. She can’t stop thinking about all the things she wants to ask her. She can’t wait to see the brunette’s face when she sees Clarke’s drawings. The thought of seeing Lexa again makes her very excited.

 

Clarke leaves the apartment making sure Bellamy doesn’t wake up. She doesn’t know why she hasn’t told her boyfriend about her secret meetings with Lexa. But she knows he wouldn’t approve. He couldn’t hide his disgust when Clarke asked him about Lexa the day after the party. Lexa’s been nothing but kind to her, so Clarke can’t understand his reaction. Okay, she’s a junkie, but the brunette doesn’t deserve that treatment. Lexa isn’t a bad person. Not at all.

 

It takes her a while to get to the park. When she finds their bench Lexa’s already there. She grins and says:

 

“Sorry, stranger, but this bench is mine.” she jokes.

 

Lexa looks at her and smiles back.

 

“I can’t move. You see, there’s that pretty blonde I’m waiting for.” she winks.

 

Clarke chuckles. “That must be me then.”

 

She sits next to Lexa and looks at the girl again. She notices the girl looks much better today. She’s not as pale, she’s smiling, and her eyes are shining. Her clothes don’t seem to hang on her body anymore. She looks absolutely amazing. Clarke thinks she’s never seen anyone as pretty as Lexa.

 

They look into each other’s eyes for a few minutes, before Lexa breaks the silence.

 

“Not that I don’t enjoy what we’re doing right now, but I believe you promised you’d let me see your drawings.”

 

“Oh, yes, sure. Here’s my sketchbook.” she hands it to the other girl and turns away so the other girl can’t see her face. “They’re not that good though. And they’re not really drawings, they’re just doodles. So yeah, it’s totally okay if you don’t like them. But you wanted to see so-“

 

“Clarke, could you please shut up for a moment? They’re absolutely perfect.” When Clarke looks at the girl again, Lexa’s looking at her sketches with a smile. Then she looks into Clarke’s eyes and the blonde can see her words were sincere. She blushes and says:

 

“Thanks Lexa. It means a lot to me.”

 

“Oh really? You’re pretty famous, you shouldn’t care about what I think about your art.” she jokes.

 

“How do you know I’m famous?”

 

“Bellamy talks about you all the time.” Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa chuckles.

 

“You look cute together.” Lexa says.

 

“Yeah, but you have to remember I’m the cute one.” Clarke jokes again.

 

“Oh, definitely. Bellamy’s not my type.” she laughs.

 

“And I am?” Clarke smirks.

 

The brunette winks and replies: “Maybe.”

 

“You look better today.” Clarke says.

 

“Are you flirting with me?” she asks jokingly.

 

“I’m serious.”

 

Lexa sighs and turns away. “You want to talk about it.” It's not a question. She can almost hear the blonde's thoughts.

 

“I just don’t understand.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“I want to. I’m your friend.”

 

Lexa’s eyes start scanning Clarke’s face.

 

“Why?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Why do you want to be my friend? You have friends. Normal friends.”

 

“You are normal.”

 

“You can’t help me.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m not gonna stop.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Then why?”

 

“Because I like you. I like spending time with you.”

 

Lexa nods after a while.

 

“What about Bellamy?”

 

Clarke’s confused. “What about him?”

 

“What does he thinks about it?”

 

“I don't care.”

 

“He doesn’t know.”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke looks at the girl and feels guilty when notices the hurt look on Lexa’s face.

 

“I understand. You’re ashamed.” Lexa’s stands up and turns to leave but Clarke stops her.

 

“No, Lexa, I’m not ashamed. I promise, I’ll tell Bellamy.”

 

Lexa nods and they both sit down again.

 

“You will tell me, right?” Clarke whispers.

 

“I will.” she promises. “But not today. I’m not ready yet.”

 

“Okay.” the blonde smiles softly.

 

They sit in silence. Clarke notices those homeless kids she saw a week ago.

 

“My dad and I used to make cookies for homeless people when I was younger.” Clarke whispers, her gaze focused on the people. She’s surprised when she feels Lexa’s hand on hers and a light squeeze.

 

“What happened to him?” Lexa asks.

 

“He’s dead. He died in a car accident.”

 

The brunette nods and squeezes her hand again. Clarke lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder. They just sit like this for so long in feels like hours. She knows she should go home, but she doesn’t want to. She wants to stay on this bench with Lexa. It feels strange and familiar at the same time. Strange, because Clarke hasn’t felt like this in a long time. Familiar, because it feels like she’s known her for years. Something about Lexa, something about being next to her, just feels right. She doesn’t know what it is, but it only makes her smile wider.

 

Clarke raises her head to look at Lexa. She looks so beautiful like this, Clarke can’t help but smile. The brunette notices it and smiles back. For a moment they just stare like this at each other, not moving, not saying anything. She’s never felt anything like this. Not with Bellamy, not with anyone else. Once she realizes that her smile fades. She secretly left her boyfriend’s apartment in the middle of the night just to sit on a bench with a girl she met last week. She quickly stands up, avoiding Lexa’s concerned gaze. She clears her throat and says:

“I have to go. It was good to see you again.”

 

“Are you okay, Clarke?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“Okay. See you soon?”

 

Clarke nods, turns away and leaves the park.

 

On her way home, she’s trying not to think about Lexa. Clarke knows she’s being stupid. That girl is a drug addict. A heroin addict. She should stay away from her. Nothing good can come from this. She has better friends than this, friends who are good for her. She should avoid Lexa at all costs.

 

But she doesn’t want to and she knows it isn’t fair to think about the brunette like that. Lexa’s been a great friend so far. She wants to help Lexa. She wants to get to know Lexa. She wants to go back to that park, find her and apologize for her stupid behavior. She wants to make sure her new friend knows how much she means to her.

 

She stops abruptly once she sees her boyfriend’s apartment. She sighs and enters. She goes straight to the bedroom and where she finds still sleeping Bellamy. She feels a little guilty, but she tries to smile. Bellamy is what she wants and needs. She slips into bed and immediately falls asleep.

 

 

 

 

Lexa leaves the park shortly afterwards and goes to her mom’s house. She’s confused. What just happened? Why did Clarke leave like this? Did Lexa do something wrong? The brunette doesn’t understand. She wants to text the blonde, but then she thinks it’s not a good idea. Maybe it’s better to give her some space. She decides to call Clarke in the evening.

 

Lexa’s hurt. She’s already accepted that nothing will ever happen between Clarke and her. She thinks it’s better this way, for her and for Clarke, but she can’t stop wishing she was the one who gets to sleep next to Clarke every night, who gets to hold her and kiss her. She wishes she was more than just a friend. She would never admit it but she’s scared of these feelings. She knows nothing good can come from this – Clarke’s dating someone else and she likes Lexa only as a friend. She’s scared of getting hurt. She’s scared Clarke will leave her. Like Costia. Clarke hasn’t seen her when she’s on drugs and Lexa’s sure that once Clarke does, she’ll leave. Who needs someone like this in their lives? Who needs someone who destroys everything she touches?

 

Lexa suddenly gets mad at herself for crushing on that girl. She’s mad at herself for not being a normal girl, someone Clarke could fall in love with. She’s mad for not being good enough. She’s so full of that irrational anger she can barely breathe. She knows what’s going on, she can feel it. There’s no way she could calm herself down now. She doesn’t want to feel anything, she wants to be numb. So instead of going home, first she decides to give Echo a call.

 

 

 

 

She gets home an hour later. She’s not angry anymore, she’s excited. So excited her hands shake. She thinks how stupid it was to stop doing it and she laughs. She’s so happy she’s finally going to do this, she can’t focus on opening the front door. She gets inside and finds her brother leaning on the wall. He was clearly waiting for her. She grins.

 

“Hey, little brother.”

 

“Where did you go?” he asks coolly.

 

“What?” she asks.

 

“Where did you go?” he repeats slowly. Lexa can see he’s mad. Lexa doesn’t care.

 

“I was in the park.” she replies with a smile.

 

“What were you doing there?”

 

Lexa decides to tell him the truth. “I was with Clarke.”

 

He obviously didn’t expect that. “With Clarke?" he raises his brow. "Yeah, sure.”

 

The girl gets more and more impatient. “Yes, Lincoln, with Clarke. You can ask her if you want.”

 

She wants to leave when he grabs her arm and says: “Stay away from her.”

 

“Let me go.”

 

“Promise me.”

 

“Fuck off, Lincoln, leave me the fuck alone!” she snaps. He finally lets her go and she goes to her bedroom. She takes a deep breath and smiles. Fuck Lincoln. She has better things to do right now. She searches her pockets until she finds a small bag.

 

“Hey baby.” she whispers with a smile. She doesn’t want Lincoln to hear. She doesn’t know if her mother’s home. She doesn’t care. “I’ve missed you.”


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke’s exhausted. She immediately fell asleep last night, but she woke up 2 hours later, right after Bellamy had left. Even though she’s tired she knows there’s no way she’ll fall asleep again, so she goes to the kitchen to make some coffee. When she’s done she decides to check her social media. She slowly sips her coffee while reading comments and messages. She hasn’t done it since she left DC. Bellamy and her mother think it’s because she doesn’t want to read all the negative comments she gets, but the truth is it doesn’t bother her anymore. Clarke isn’t the person she used to be, now she’s stronger. She’s not afraid of haters anymore. She fights back when she has to, and, sadly, it often gets her into trouble. And “trouble” means tabloids are more interested in her than they usually are. If her paintings make her famous, her attitude makes her a celebrity. But being famous annoys the shit out of Clarke. She’s happy she’s back in Polis, because it’s always been her safe place, a place where she can hide from journalists’ prying eyes.

 

She replies to some of the comments and sighs. She must admit, she’s disappointed. She thought that being back meant spending more time with Bellamy, but she was wrong. Her boyfriend hardly ever has time for her. Working for one of the biggest magazines in the state makes him so busy that they only see each other in the evenings. She’s happy for him, she really is. She knows how hard he worked to get this job. She’s proud of him, but she misses her boyfriend. She’d never tell him that though. She knows how hypocritical it’d be. After all, she was the one who left him 6 years ago. She still thinks it’s a miracle they’re still together, because they’d see each other less than once a month. Of course, it was really hard and they both were thinking about ending their relationship, but it never happened. She thought everything would get easier when she’s back. But she was wrong.

 

Even though she really was in love with Bellamy, she can’t help but feel that she only started dating him because he was someone she knew her mother would approve. Clarke wasn’t close with her mother, mostly because Abby couldn’t accept her daughter wanted to be an artist. She wanted Clarke to be a doctor and when she told her about her plans Abby was disappointed. But she’d always liked Bellamy, he was, he is, family. She still remembers the smile on her face when Clarke told her about their relationship. She knows Abby wants them to get married, her mother has mentioned it several times. And Clarke loves Bellamy, but she’s not going to marry him.

 

Bullshit. Clarke is in love with Bellamy. He is the one. And one day they will get married. When she is ready.

 

She sighs again. She doesn’t want to spend this day alone on the couch. She decides to call Raven and Lincoln. She’d call Octavia too, but she knows she’s busy with her new project. Luckily they both agree and 15 minutes later Clarke leaves Bellamy’s apartment and drives to the mall.

 

She’s incredibly lucky to have a friend like Lincoln. She met the boy almost 8 years ago. He was 11 and she was asked by his mother to baby sit him. It’s unbelievable she didn’t know Lexa until last week, because she’d look after her brother almost every weekend and they’d hang out a lot at his place when he grew up. Lincoln quickly became one of her closest friends. She absolutely loves him.

 

She spots her friends right away. It’d be difficult not to – she can hear Raven loudly talking to Lincoln about engines. She’s been obsessed with them since she bought used ‘66 Ford Mustang It’s obvious the boy isn’t really interested, but he’s too nice to interrupt Raven. Besides, she looks adorable when she’s excited. Clarke smiles and approaches her friends.

 

After 3 hours Clarke’s thankful Raven got hungry. Going out with Raven is fun, but exhausting, since the girl makes her go to every single shop they find. It wasn’t bad though - Clarke got some art supplies just in case she finds inspiration. She’s glad she has enough paintings ready for the exhibition, because she doubts she will paint anything any time soon.

 

It feels so good to have her friends back in her life again. It makes her realize how lonely she was without them in DC. She’s glad she still remembers every little thing about them. She remembers that Raven watches Mulan at least once a month. That Lincoln is obsessed with Cher, even though he would never admit it. That Octavia still wears her SpongeBob pajamas when she’s sad. That watching “All Dogs Go to Heaven” makes Bellamy cry.  She knows them so well that she feels like she never moved out.

 

They find a coffee shop and order drinks. They talk about things they just bought before Lincoln asks:

 

“Clarke, is this true you were in the park with Lexa last night?”

 

Clarke looks at him with a frown. “Yeah, how do you know that?”

 

He sighs deeply.

 

“Lincoln?” Raven is worried when he gets silent.

 

“She was gone and I was worried. I thought- I was angry, because she’d promised, you know? I thought she was with them again and when she got back- she’s so mad at me, she thinks I don’t trust her, she’ll leave again. I don’t want to lose-“

 

Clarke feels sorry for him. She can’t even imagine how hard it is for him. She knows that when he didn’t lose only his father that day. He lost his mother and sister too. She interrupts him: “Lincoln, calm down. Lexa might be angry now, but I promise you, she’ll forgive you. You could never lose her.”

 

“Yeah, Lexa loves you.” Raven agrees.

 

When Lincoln doesn’t say anything, Clarke says: “How about we go to your place and watch a movie? We’ll invite Lexa, your mom if she’s home.”

 

“Okay, I’ll apologize and we’ll watch a movie.” He gives them a faint smile. “Thanks, girls.”

 

They both smile back and they leave the coffee shop 10 minutes later.

 

* * *

 

When they enter Lincoln’s house 30 minutes later they find his mother watching tv.

 

“Hey, mom, how are you? You remember Clarke and Raven?” asks Lincoln and kisses her on her cheek.

 

She gives him a sad smile and says. “I’m good, sweetheart.” She’s not convincing. She faces them. “Nice to see both of you again.”

 

“You too, Mrs. Woods.” Clarke replies.

 

“Anya’s fine.”

 

“Okay, Anya.” The blonde smiles. She’s only seen the woman once, 2 years ago, before her husband died. She was beautiful and full of life, talking to her with a wide smile. Now she looks so tired, Clarke feels sorry for her. She focuses on her face that looks exactly like Lexa’s, but is much paler, on her eyes that are as green as Lexa’s, but they aren’t shining. They look empty.

 

“We’re gonna watch a movie, do you wanna watch with us?” her son asks.

 

“No, I’ll go to sleep. Goodnight, kids.” She gets up, but before she can leave Lincoln interrupts her. “Mom, is Lexa home? I need to talk to her.”

 

“She is, I think she’s sleeping. Please, don’t be too loud.” She leaves.

 

Lincoln takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m gonna go talk to her.”

 

“We’ll wait here.” They assure him.

 

He leaves the small living room. They sit in silence for a while until they hear a loud scream: “YOU FUCKING BITCH!” They run as fast as they can to Lexa’s bedroom where they find Lincoln and his sister. Clarke freezes. The brunette’s sitting on the floor and staring at the wall in front of her with a blank expression. She’s scratching her arms so hard they’re bleeding. Her pupils are dilated and her breath is short. It’s obvious she used something today.

 

“I THOUGHT I WAS WRONG AND I CAME HERE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND TELL YOU I TRUST YOU AND IT TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT!” He’s so mad he’s shaking. He lets out a humorless laugh.

 

“God, I’m so stupid. I thought you were done with this. I thought I had my sister back. And you were so happy last night, only because you were going to use again.” He comes closer to his sister who’s still staring at the wall. It makes him angrier and he snaps again. “BUT YOU DON’T CARE, DO YOU? YOU’RE A LYING, SELFISH CUNT. NOTHING MORE. YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING.” Clarke looks at him again and notices tears running down his cheeks. He takes a deep breath before he grabs his sister’s arm. “Get out.” Lexa’s gaze finally focuses on him, but her face is still emotionless. Clarke’s wondering how Anya can sleep, when Lincoln’s screams were so loud. Maybe she’s not sleeping. Maybe she’s as done as her son.

 

* * *

 

She’s definitely not sleeping. His shouting is too loud. She doesn’t know how it’s possible she didn’t see what’s going on with her daughter when she was in her room this morning. Maybe she did see, but she’s so used to seeing Lexa that like this her brain automatically ignored it. She doesn’t know anymore.

 

Anya can’t stop her tears from falling. She failed. She let her children down. Both of them. How could she let that happen? She should’ve known something wrong was going on with Lexa. And when she finally saw it she should’ve talked to her. She was mad at Lexa for what she’d done. She thought that she deserved to suffer. She didn’t understand that what Lexa had done was necessary. That she’d done it to help her mother, to save her. That’s why she ignored all the signs.

 

She’s a terrible mother. She knows it. She disappointed her children. She should be the one suffering, not Lexa, not Lincoln. Anya. But she knows it’s too late to do anything. She made Lexa believe her own mother hated her. She made her think she was a monster. She should be punished, not her children. Her innocent kids.

 

She understands Lincoln’s frustration. She used to feel it too, every single time. But now she’s too tired. She knows screaming won’t change anything.

 

She wants to disappear. She wants to fall asleep and wake up after it all ends. She doesn’t want to live like this anymore.

 

* * *

 

Raven comes closer again to stop Lincoln. “Leave her alone right now. It’s not safe for her to leave. Let her stay, she’ll leave when she’s- you know.” She ends.

 

Lincoln nods after a while and quickly leaves the room. “Help me lay her down on the bed?” Clarke asks Raven and the girl nods. They leave the room when they’re done and find their friend in the living room. They both give him tight hugs and sit down next to him.

 

“You don’t have to stay.” He whispers.

 

“Do you want us to go?” Raven asks.

 

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I have to do this alone.” He answers.

 

“Okay, just remember you’re not alone anymore.”

 

He nods and gives them a faint smile. “Thank you.”

 

They both hug him again and leave.

 

He sits in silence for almost an hour before he decides to go check up on his sister. He doesn’t know if the drug is still in her system, but he goes anyway. He finds her lying in her bed, facing the wall. She turns around when she hears his steps. First he notices her expression is not blank anymore. Then he notices tears in her eyes. She looks so sad his heart almost breaks. He’s not going to be nice to her right now though. He has to be tough.

 

“We have to talk.” Lincoln says coolly.

 

“Later.” She says and covers her face with a pillow.

 

“When, Lexa?” When she doesn’t answer he snaps: “Look at me. When? You’re always either on drugs or wishing you were. We’re talking now.”

 

He takes the pillow that’s covering her face and throws it on the floor.

 

“Fine. Let’s talk.” Even though her voice’s flat, her eyes betray her. He can see how hurt she is and hopes it’s because she somehow remembers his words. He knows it isn’t.

 

“You’re done with this, do you understand?” He sits down next to his sister.

 

Lexa sighs. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again.”

 

“I can’t believe you use again.”

 

“My answer is still no.” she replies and turns to face the wall.

 

“Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me and mum? Do you even care?” He whispers.

 

She slowly turns around. She loves him so much. She remembers very well the day her parents told her they were going to adopt a kid. The day he moved into their house was one of the best days of her whole life. She got not only a wonderful brother, but also a best friend. Now she’s looking into his eyes and all she can see is pain. She hates herself for hurting him so much, him and their mother. She feels guilty again. All she wants to do right now is leave this house. She still has some money left so she could call Echo again. She tries to get up, but Lincoln stops her. “Tell me.”

 

“I do care, Lincoln. I’m sorry for hurting you again. I’ll leave you alone, I promise.”

 

“I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stop doing this.”

 

“I can’t and you know it.”

 

He stands up abruptly. “Why? Just tell me why. Give me a reason you started doing this.”

 

“You know why.” She whispers.

 

“Honestly? No I don’t. I have no idea. Maybe you forgot, but we did it together and I’m not a fucking junkie. Tell me why.”

 

“This is the reason.”

 

“No, it’s not, Lexa!” he shouts. “You ALWAYS blame everyone and everything but you’re the one to blame. It’s your fault you’re addicted!” She clenches her jaw. “It was your choice, Lexa. Nobody made you do it and you know it. You don’t want people to think you’re not as strong, tough, emotionless or whatever as they think you are, am I right? It was more convenient to use drugs. But you know what? I see right through you. You’re not a fucking robot, for fuck’s sake! You’re allowed to have emotions.”

 

“But I don’t want to.” She whispers. After a moment she gets up slowly. She’s still weak, she doesn’t feel well, but she needs to leave this house right now.

 

“Where are you going?” Lincoln frowns.

 

“I’m leaving.” Lexa replies, before turning away.

 

He stands up. “If you leave now, don’t come back.”

 

“Maybe it’s the best option. For all of us.” She responds without turning around and leaves. She doesn’t see her brother started crying.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke and Raven leave Lincoln’s house they’re still shocked. They’re walking back to Clarke’s car. The blonde is shaking. She’s never seen Lincoln like this. She’s never seen Lexa like this. She feels sorry for both of them. They’re her friends, she loves them. She doesn’t want to see any of them like this ever again.

 

Raven sighs. “Poor Lincoln.”

 

“Poor Lincoln.” Clarke agrees. “Poor Lexa.”

 

“Yeah, I feel sorry for her too.” Raven takes a deep breath. “I know I’ve already said that, but I’m glad you’re back, Clarke. We all missed you so much.”

 

“I missed you all too.”

 

Raven takes a deep breath before she continues. “You’re my family, Clarke. You, Lincoln and the Cramp siblings. I must admit, I was a little mad at you when you left. I know it was selfish, but I was mad you decided to leave us. I was scared, you know? It was stupid, yes, but I felt like I was gonna lose you. I kept thinking: what if she will never come back? What if she likes DC so much she will stay there forever? It was childish, but I was so worried, you know? My parents are dead and you’re the only family I have. That’s why I’m so happy you chose to come back. It feels good. It feels right.”

 

Clarke smiles at her best friend. She knows Raven doesn’t like talking about her feelings and saying it wasn’t easy for the girl. She gives her a tight hug and whispers: “You know I love you, right?”

 

“Wow, Griffin. Don’t forget you have a boyfriend.” She jokes.

 

She loves making Raven smile, so she says: “Bell is cool, but he’s not as cool as you.”

 

She can feel the other girl grin. “Damn right. Okay, enough though. You’re ruining my reputation.”

 

Clarke laughs, before they both get into the car and leave.

 

* * *

 

It’s late when Clarke comes back from Lincoln’s place and Bellamy is already there. She finds him cooking something in the kitchen. She smiles sadly and hugs her boyfriend from behind.

 

“Damn, it smells so good.”

 

He turns around with a grin but once he notices the look on Clarke’s face his smile fades. “Are you okay, princess? You look like shit.”

 

“Way to woo your girl, Bell.” She jokes.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

She sighs. “We were at Lincoln’s today. Lexa was there.”

 

He studies her face for a second before replying: “He got upset because she’d used again, am I right?”

 

When she nods Bellamy takes a deep breath. “She’s nothing but trouble.”

 

“She needs help.”

 

“She doesn’t want it.”

 

“We have to try.” She adds after a while. “For Lincoln.”

 

He’s silent for a few minutes before he says: “Okay. For Lincoln.”

 

She takes her phone out of her pocket and calls Raven: “Can you come to my place? We gotta talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is much shorter than the 1st one, but I've been too busy with work and uni to write. I apologize for all the mistakes and typos. Please let me know what you think, I hope you're not disappointed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, over 120 kudos?! Thank you guys for your support. This chapter is much longer that ch2. I hope you like it!

Lexa leaves her old house not looking back, because she knows it would only make it harder not to come back and beg for forgiveness. It breaks her heart, but it has to be done. She will leave and she will never hurt any of them again. Lincoln and her mom deserve better lives, without her. She didn’t even get to say goodbye to her mom, but she knows Anya doesn’t care. She hates Lexa.

 

She takes her phone out of the pocket and gives Echo a call. They agree to meet in the other girl's apartment. She still has some time before she can meet Echo, so she goes to the park. She needs to think. Coming back to her own house isn’t an option for her anymore, so she will have to find a place to stay before it gets colder. She doesn’t want to sleep at Echo’s, she needs to find something else. She needs money too, if she wants to survive.

 

She checks her pockets to make sure she has enough money to get a bag from Echo. She finds more than enough. She’s relieved, because it means she won’t have to steal that much later. She hates stealing, but it’s the only way. She knows it’s wrong, but it doesn’t matter. She needs drugs. She doesn’t want to fuck dudes for money. She can sell her phone. She won’t need it anymore, she can’t text her brother, and she uses it only to text Lincoln and-

 

Clarke. She feels a pang of guilt and shame in her chest. She knows she fucked and that Clarke won’t want to be friends with her anymore. Costia left her too. Her ex-girlfriend didn’t want to be with someone who’s addicted. She wanted to be with someone her parents would approve, not with someone like Lexa. So she left, she left Lexa all alone. But she was too high then to care that her Costia had decided to leave. It took her 2 months to realize what happened, but it was too late. She had lost Costia forever, just like she lost Clarke.

 

* * *

 

 

2 hours later she’s knocking on Echo’s door. Luckily, it is close to the park, so Lexa isn’t late. Since she started using she’s always late. Lexa waits for a while before Echo finally opens the door and lets Lexa in.

 

“Hey” she says with a smile.

 

“Hi.” Lexa replies not looking at the girl. Echo invites her to her small living room and asks: “You want some tea?”

 

“No, thanks.”

 

“Coffee?”

 

Lexa shakes her head.

 

“What do you want then?”

 

“You know what I want.”

 

Echo smirks and says: “Okay, wait here.” She invites Lexa to take a sit in her living room and Lexa gladly agrees. Echo comes back few minutes later with a small bag. “Here’s your stuff.”

 

Lexa immediately brightens and asks: “How much?”

 

“Depends on how much you need. For you, though, it’s 150 bucks per gram.”

 

“What?! Are you fucking kidding me, Echo? You said 110 yesterday!”

 

“Sorry, Lexa, but you know how it is. That stupid cop, Murphy, arrested Gustus yesterday. He had my drugs.”

 

“They arrested Gustus?!” Gustus was the closest thing to a friend she has. She can’t lose him.

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry Lexa.” She sighs. “So, are you buying or not?”

 

“I don’t have enough money, I can give you 130 dollars.”

 

“No way, Lexa.”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. She needs to use. Right now. She will explode if she doesn’t. She tries again: “Look, Echo, we’re friends. Please, I’ll give you 130 dollars now, and i’ll give you the rest later.”

 

“I said no, Lex.”

 

Lexa starts slightly shaking. “Echo, I’m fucking begging you. I’ll pay you, I promise.”

 

“Sorry, but we both know your promises mean shit when it comes to drugs.”

 

Lexa groans loudly. She gets up and moves to leave, but stops abruptly. “Hold on.”

 

Echo looks at her in confusion. “What?”

 

“Murphy couldn’t arrest Gustus, you’d made a deal with him. You’d paid Murphy to make sure he wouldn’t arrest any of your people.”

 

Lexa doesn’t understand. Why would Murphy risk getting murdered by one of Echo’s people? He wasn’t that stupid. Then the realization hits her.

 

“You sold him out.”

 

“I did what I had to.”

 

“You betrayed Gustus to save your stupid ass!”

 

“I betrayed Gustus to save all of us. Murphy said he needed to arrest someone or he’d lose his job.”

 

“And why the fuck do you care?”

 

“Murphy makes sure nobody of us gets arrested.”

 

“Gustus was one of your best people, he was loyal!”

 

“There’s no such thing as loyalty in our world, Lexa. You know it.”

 

Lexa clenches her fists. “You’re fucking disgusting.”

 

Echo laughs humorlessly. “That’s rich coming from someone like you, Lexa.”

 

“Fuck you, Echo.” She clenches her jaw and leaves. She’ll make Echo pay for this. But later. She needs her drugs first.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s almost midnight and Clarke, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln are in the living room, in Bellamy’s apartment. It took them a while to tell Bell and O what had happened. Currently they’re sitting in silence, because nobody knows what to say. And nobody knows what Lincoln and Lexa talked about after Clarke and Raven had left, but Clarke’s silently hoping Lincoln will tell them. Octavia finally breaks the silence.

 

“Okay, Lincoln, so what are you gonna do?”

 

“Nothing.” He immediately replies.

 

“What do you mean?” Raven asks in confusion and looks at the rest of her friends. They’re all shocked. They’ve never thought Lincoln would give up on his sister.

 

“She chose drugs. I’m not gonna do anything, I don’t care anymore, she can rot in hell.”

 

“Linc, what the hell are you talking about? What do you mean she chose drugs? And what the fuck happened after we’d left?” Clarke asks.

 

“I made her choose: me or drugs. I told her to never come back if she leaves. And she did.”

 

“Lexa is… difficult, stubborn, and annoying, but she loves you, so why did she leave?” Octavia wonders.

 

“She will come back sooner-“ Raven starts but he interrupts her: “I told you – I don’t care anymore. It’s her life and if she wants to ruin it-“ He shrugs “it’s her problem.”

 

Clarke gets up abruptly. “Are you out of your mind, Lincoln?” she snaps. “She needs you and you kicked her out?! Where is she supposed to go now? She’s trying so hard for you and for your mom, why can’t you see that? She needs help!”

 

“She doesn’t want it!” he shouts.

 

“Why would she want it if the only one person she cares about gives up on her? You thought it’d be better to ‘make’ her choose instead.”

 

“’Cares’, yeah, sure. She only cares about drugs.” He’s clearly mad.

 

“This isn’t fair, Linc, and you know it.”

 

“It is fair, Clarke. Sorry, but you know shit.” Clarke is shocked when she realizes it was Bellamy who said that.

 

“What do you mean, Bell?” she snaps again.

 

“You have no idea how hard it is for Lincoln. You haven’t seen her when she started using, you’ve never seen how hurt Lincoln was. Or maybe you just don’t care, because Lexa’s your new best friend.” he says coolly.

 

“What the fuck, Bellamy? How can you say that? I care about Lincoln, I care about all of you! But Lexa is my friend too, and I want to help her!”

 

“She will destroy your life, Clarke. She will not stop. You can’t help her, it’s too late!” he raises his voice.

 

“You’re saying this only because you think she’s someone worse than you. Why? Because she has a problem she needs help with? Have you ever thought about how hard it is for _her_?” She turns to Lincoln. “And now she’s all alone, but you don’t care, do you?”

 

“It’s not ‘some’ problem, she’s a fucking drug addict!” Bellamy snaps. “She deserves nothing, and Lincoln is right. I’m glad he kicked her out of his life. She’s a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t care about her own family!”

 

“Don’t ever say that again.” Clarke warns him.

 

“I understand Lincoln, but what would you do if it was Octavia?” Raven asks calmly.

 

Bellamy freezes. “Octavia would never-“

 

“You don’t know that. And if she did what would you do? You’d kick her out, and ignore the fact that your sister needs help?”

 

Bellamy clenches his jaw. “Octavia isn’t Lexa. And Lincoln is better off without her. So is his mom.” He realizes he got up at some point, so he sits down again.

 

“I think Bellamy’s right.” Lincoln quietly says.

 

Clarke sighs. “Okay. Octavia?”

 

Octavia looks up when she hears her name and clears her throat. “Lexa needs help. But I don’t think _we_ can help her. I’m sorry Clarke.”

 

Clarke nods and she turns to Raven. “What do you think?”

 

“Sorry, Clarke, but I agree with Octavia. I don’t think Lexa would listen to me, we’re not close.” Raven says.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and sits down.

 

“Oh come on, Clarke. You have better friends. You don’t need someone like her. I know you’re friends with her because you want to help her-“ Bell says softly, but Clarke interrupts him.

 

“So you think that I’m friends with her only because I have some savior complex?! I want to help her, because she’s my friend, because I like spending time with her, because I know that she’s a good person!”

 

“Clarke, leave her the fuck alone!” he shouts. “Why can’t you understand that she’s not good for you?!”

 

“I don’t care what you think about her. I’m going to help her. She deserves better than this.” She stands up and leaves the room.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa will never admit it, but Echo’s betrayal hurts. She’s never thought the girl would do something like this. It was always the three of them: Lexa, Echo, Gustus. Together. They weren’t friends, but they’d always spend time together. She still remembers the day she met them. She bought heroin for the first time from Echo, after all. She bought pills of course, most of people start with pills. Nobody starts with needles. It means you have a problem if you start using them. It’s too late. You’re addicted.

 

_It’s her 24 th birthday today. It’s Friday evening and she probably should be partying. But how can she party after what she’s done? She doesn’t want to stay home though. She wants to be anywhere but here. Lincoln is still in hospital and mother is with him, so being here shouldn’t be hard, but it is. She’s suffocating here. She needs to leave. Now._

_She decides to go to a club. She still doesn’t feel like partying, but she definitely feels like getting drunk. So wasted she’ll forget about everything. She’s putting her clothes on when she gets a message. She knows who texted her. It’s Costia. She feels guilty for not spending her birthday with her girlfriend, but she needs to be alone. She knows it’s unfair and she feels bad, but chooses to go alone anyway._

_She leaves the house and finds the nearest club. She’s always liked it, its shitty alcohol and shitty punk music (just kidding. She loved punk. But their alcohol really was terrible). She sits at the bar and orders some vodka. She doesn’t like it that much, but she wants to get drunk as soon as possible, and she manages to do that after 6 th shot. _

_Unfortunately, some drunk asshole notices she’s drunk and decides it’s time to make his move. Lexa is not as intimidating when she’s drunk as she is when she’s sober, so the man apparently thinks he has a chance._

_“Hey sexy, nice tits.” He says with a disgusting smile. Lexa ignores him._

_“You wanna get outta here, babe?” He tries again._

_“Leave me alone.” She says coolly._

_“No worries. You’re drunk, I’ll take you home.” He reaches to take her hand, but she pushes him away._

_“I said leave me alone!” She mumbles. She tries to punch him, but she’s too drunk and she misses._

_“No need to be a bitch, baby. I should teach you some manners.” He successfully grabs her hand this time._

_“Leave her alone.”_

_Lexa turns around to see a girl behind her, looking at the guy with clenched jaw._

_“Chill, Echo, I just wanna have some fun with my beautiful new friend.”_

_Echo looks at a huge man next to her that Lexa didn’t notice until now._

_“Gustus, I think we should help him get out.”_

_“Sure.” He says and grabs the other guy by his collar._

_Echo’s gaze focuses on Lexa. “Where do you live? I’ll get you home.”_

_“I don’t know.” Lexa mumbles and Echo sighs._

_“It’s not safe for you here. You can crash at my place.” She helps the other girl get up and they leave together._

_Lexa wakes up 6 hours later with a huge headache. She tries to open her eyes, but it hurts too much. She groans._

_“Where the fuck am i?”_

_“In my house. I’m Echo, remember?” She hears a voice behind her. Lexa opens her eyes and turns around._

_“Yeah, uh, thanks for help. I should go now.” She gets up, but Echo tells her to sit down and hands her a glass of water. “Drink.”_

_Lexa slowly sips her drink and Echo goes back to her place. That’s when the brunette notices what the other girl is doing._

_“Holy fuck. Are those drugs?”_

_“Yeah.” Echo answers not looking up. “I hope you understand that I’ll have to kill you if you tell anyone.” Lexa gulps, but doesn’t say anything._

_They sit in silence until Lexa asks. “What do you have?”_

_“I have only heroin today. But usually I have some coke too.”_

_“I need something.”_

_Echo finally looks up. “What do you need?”_

_“I need something that makes you forget.”_

_Echo smiles and answers after a while. “I think I have something for you.”_

Lexa later found out that Echo had saved her on purpose. She had noticed the brunette getting drunk alone and Echo’s job is to find people like her and sell them drugs. And Lexa was one of them – lost and lonely.

 

For some reason, she isn’t mad at Echo because of this. Maybe it’s because at this point Lexa can’t imagine her life without drugs. She would’ve probably killed herself or something, because she couldn’t live with her guilt. Paradoxically, she used to think drugs saved her from suicide. But now that she thinks of it she doesn’t know what’s worse – killing herself or living this life. She doesn’t think she’d ever be able to do end this though. She feels like she’d be too weak to do this. Physically weak. She only finds strength to wake up every day when she’s sure she will use. She could stop eating, showering, for days, but once she gets money she feels alive again and nearly runs to Echo.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. It’s gonna be hard without Echo and Gustus.

* * *

 

 

Clarke is lying in bed, but she can’t fall asleep. It’s been a over month since Clarke saw Lexa for the last time. She’s sad and _so angry,_ because Lexa has been ignoring her the whole time. She has sent her several messages, but no reply. Clarke doesn’t understand the other girl’s behavior. She hasn’t tried calling the other girl yet, only because the other girl apparently needs space. Clarke decided to give her time.

 

Clarke didn’t realize how much she missed Lexa, until she realized she had been drawing Lexa pretty much every day. Part of her is happy, because she is drawing again, but she knows she shouldn’t be so attached to the other girl. Yes, they are friends, but she doesn’t have a notebook full of drawings of Raven or Octavia’s faces. Hell, she doesn’t even have a notebook full of drawings of her own boyfriend.

 

Speaking of her boyfriend. Bellamy isn’t even trying to hide how happy he is Lexa is gone. Same with Lincoln. They’re both glad Lexa has disappeared. It took her almost 3 weeks to admit that she hadn’t seen Lexa since that day at Lincoln’s place. When they found out they both hugged her and Lincoln said: “You’re a good person, Clarke, but you should stay away from Lexa.” Clarke doesn’t really care about Bellamy’s opinion, but she was disappointed to hear such words from Linc. She’s so mad at him she stopped talking to the boy. She couldn’t understand how he could give up on his sister.

 

Because of that situation, Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship is in crisis. Clarke can’t understand why Bellamy is so cold towards the other girl. She thought Bellamy was one of the kindest guys she’d ever met, but it turns out she was wrong. Bell not only hates Lexa for no reason, but also blames the girl for the crisis in their relationship. But Clarke knows it isn’t Lexa’s fault, it was Bellamy’s fault. Her loving boyfriend turned out to be an asshole.

 

She still has Octavia and Raven, but they both avoid talking about Lexa. Clarke knows they support her, but she still wishes they were more helpful.

 

There’s only one person she can talk to about the brunette – it’s Lexa. But this stubborn asshole keeps ignoring her. Clarke sighs deeply. The blonde is stubborn too. And she’s going to be Lexa’s friend whether she wants it or not.

 

She doesn’t know the true reason why she wants it so much. Of course, she loves spending time with her, but she feels like there’s something more. She doesn’t know what it is, but she’s going to find out. She just needs to know. Right now.

 

She almost smiles when she realizes it’s almost midnight. It means that it’s possible Lexa is in the park. She eyes her boyfriend who’s sleeping by her side and quietly gets up. She puts her clothes on and leaves the apartment. She’s glad it’s still that warm in September, but after all, she’s in California now. It’s not that surprising.

  
When she’s near the park she starts having second thoughts. What if Lexa isn’t there? What if Lexa IS there? What if it’s too early and Lexa will be there later? What if Lexa already left? She takes a deep breath. She’s not nervous. She’s literally scared she’ll punch the brunette in her face for being so stubborn.

 

After 5 minutes she decides to go and find their bench, but unfortunately, someone’s there. She finds some sleeping homeless person, but it’s too dark to see who that person is. She wants to walk away, but she stops. “What if this person is dying or something? I have to the cops or someone.” Clarke turns around and comes closer to the person. She stops again, realizing how dangerous it is. She decides to try to wake this person up. She clears her throat.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

No answer. She tries again, louder this time.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

The person moves her hand a little and yawns. Then Clarke hears a familiar mumble: “Okay, okay, I’m leaving, Jesus.”

 

“You’re here.” Clarke says with a grin.

 

Lexa turns around and looks at her with wide eyes. “Clarke.”

 

The blonde isn’t surprised she didn’t recognize Lexa. She has a black beanie on and no leather jacket. She doesn’t look as good as the last time they met in the park. She looks pale and tired again. She moves slowly to make some space for Clarke on the bench, because her back aches from sleeping on the uncomfortable bench. Seeing the other girl like this hurts Clarke.

 

She sits down next to Lexa, her eyes never leaving the other girl’s face. Lexa looks down at her hands and sighs.

 

“Why are you here, Clarke?” She asks quietly.

 

“I was looking for you. You stopped replying to my texts.”

 

“Your texts?” Lexa looks at Clarke in confusion.

 

“Yes? My texts? You gave me your phone number, remember?”

 

“I’m sorry, I sold my phone.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I needed money.” Lexa answers and adds after a while. “I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me ever again.”

 

“What are you talking about, Lexa? Of course I do, we’re friends.” Clarke says.

 

“But you saw me that day. I know you did. Why do you want to be friends with someone like me?”

 

“Oh my god, you sound like your brother. I want to be friends with you, because I kind of like you, why is it so hard to understand?” Clarke groans.

 

“Look at me, Clarke. I’m a mess. If even Lincoln says you should stay away from me, then you probably should.”

 

“Do you want me to?”

 

Lexa looks into Clarke’s eyes and answers after a minute. “No.”

  
The blonde smiles softly. “Then I’m not going anywhere and we’re friends again.”

 

Lexa chuckles. “Okay.”

 

“You’re not on drugs right now.” Clarke remarks.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I’m too broke to buy anything.” Lexa shrugs.

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

“Clarke.”

 

“No, it’s fine, I mean-“

 

“Stop.”

 

“What?” Clarke looks at her in confusion.

 

“Stop acting like this is okay. It’s not okay. I know that. So please, stop.”

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just-” Clarke mumbles.

 

Lexa sighs. “It all started over a year ago.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Lexa.”

 

“We’re friends, right? Friends are supposed to tell each other everything. And I promised I would.” Clarke nods. She doesn’t want Lexa to feel uncomfortable, but she has to know if she wants to help the brunette.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. “I killed my father.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy Blake wakes up in the middle of the night, just like he planned. Now he’s supposed to go to the nearest grocery shop that’s still open and get all the ingredients he needs. Then come back and make the best breakfast Clarke has ever eaten. He feels bad because of all of the arguments they’ve had lately, so he wants to make it up to his girlfriend. He smiles softly and turns around to make sure Clarke is still sleeping, but she’s not there. Bellamy frowns and quietly leaves the room to check if she’s in the bathroom, but he doesn’t find her there.

 

“Clarke?” He asks, but nobody answers. He decides to see if she’s in the kitchen, but she’s not there. He goes to the corridor and notices Clarke’s shoes are gone. He smiles thinking that the girl went outside, but he doesn’t find her there.

 

Clarke would never disappear just like this. He decides to call Raven and Octavia, but they both say the blonde isn’t with them. He’s about to call Lincoln when he realizes.

 

* * *

 

 

_For Lexa, seeing her father really mad is nothing new. She still remembers how hard he punched her when she was 11 because she got a B instead of an A. She still remembers when he broke her arm when she was 13 because she refused to go get him some wine. She still remembers when he beat her up when she was 18 and he found out she was gay. Her father has been abusing her, Lincoln, and their mother for so long, she doesn’t even remember when it started._

_They’ve always seemed to be a perfect family – her parents have always seemed to love each other very much. It isn’t a lie, because her mother loves her husband. She always picks his side. She always gets angry at Lexa and Lincoln for making her husband mad. She always justifies his behavior - his job stresses him out, she’s not a good wife, their children need to try harder._ _She loves him so much she refuses to acknowledge her husband is nothing but a monster. But for some reason she can’t bring herself to hate her mother._

 

_She’s in the kitchen, with Lincoln by her side, listening to their another argument. It’s not really an argument, it’s just her father yelling at mom for no reason. Nothing new. But this time something is different. She’s never seen him as angry as he is today. And she’s never been as scared as she is right now. She knows that this is the day she’s always known would eventually come. Her father is going to kill her mother._

_“Dad, please, stop!” Lincoln begs. He knows it too._

_The man ignores his son, still screaming at Anya who’s silently crying. They are paralyzed, until their father takes a knife. Lexa looks at her father in disbelief. Is he really going to do that? This is wrong, so wrong, so damn-_

_Lincoln runs to stop him, before Lexa can stop him._

_“Dad, no, you can’t do that!”_

_Their father focuses his angry gaze on his son instead. He just stares at him for a few moments. Lincoln thinks he must’ve calmed down and moves his hand to take the knife that the man is still holding. When he notices what his son is about to do, he punches him in the face._

_For a minute all she can hear is her mother’s sobbing and her father’s screams: “I’m gonna fucking kill you, you understand?_ _You’re fucking dead!” But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that Lincoln, her little brother, is lying on the ground and that her father is beating his son up. He’s going to kill Lincoln. This is all Lexa can think of. He’s going to kill Lincoln, then mom, and then her. He’s going to kill them all._

_She can’t let that happen. She can’t lose her little brother. She doesn’t even know when she took a knife her father previously dropped. She doesn’t even know when she stabbed her own father in his back._

“Before I could even realize what I did my mother called the cops. My mother told them I murdered him. They believed her and wanted to accuse me of murder. Luckily, Lincoln told them what really happened. I started doing drugs like a week later.” Lexa ends with a trembling voice and sighs. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be friends anymore. I understand.”

 

Clarke moves closer to the girl and hugs her. “You did what you had to, Lex. Of course I still want to be friends with you.” She whispers and Lexa rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder.

 

“I killed my father. I’m a murderer. I’m a monster.”

 

“Lexa, you’re not a monster. You saved your family.”

 

“If I saved them, why do they hate me?” Lexa says with a shaking voice.

 

“They don’t hate you. They love you.”

 

“Lincoln kicked me out of the house.”

 

Clarke feels so sorry for the girl. Not only she had to do something terrible, but also she has nobody who had her back. She’s all alone. “He’ll understand, one day. You still have me though.”

 

Lexa draws a shaky breath.

 

“It’s okay, you know? You can cry.” Clarke says softly.

 

“I don’t cry.” Lexa mumbles.

 

“It’ll make you feel better, Lex. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

 

Lexa pulls back. “Not now. Let’s talk about something else?” Lexa almost begs.

 

“Sure. Let me tell you about my month.”

 

Lexa spends almost an hour listening to Clarke. The blonde tells her about her exhibition, about her friends, all the things that have happened since they last talked. Even though most of these things are really boring, Lexa seems to be interested in everything Clarke has to say. She listens to her, sometimes asking questions about her work and about the squad. Mostly about Lincoln. Clarke doesn’t want to tell Lexa what Lincoln said about her, but she doesn’t want to lie either. So she tells the brunette the truth.

 

“See? He really does hate me.” Lexa whispers.

 

“He doesn’t. He’s just upset. He doesn’t understand.” Clarke says. When Lexa doesn’t reply, Clarke asks:

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

Lexa’s gaze focuses on Clarke again and she nods.

 

“Why did you get high that day?”

 

It takes Lexa a while to respond. “It doesn’t matter.”

 

“What do you mean?” Clarke frowns.

 

“I don’t need a good reason. I just get that feeling when I’m clean, you know? And then it gets worse and worse. Then the lamest excuse is good enough.”

 

“Does it happen often? You know, do you often try to end this?”

 

“Almost 15 times so far.”

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you mean it when you said you weren’t gonna stop?”

 

The brunette takes a deep breath. “Sometimes I wish I could, but I’m not sure if I could deal with all of this without drugs.”

 

Clarke lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “Just remember you’re not alone anymore, okay?”

 

“Thank you, Clarke.”

 

They sit like this for so long Clarke almost falls asleep. She asks with a sleepy voice: “What do you think you’d be doing right now if none of this happened?”

 

Lexa chuckles and says: “I’d probably be sleeping right now, because I’d need lots of sleep, as an English teacher.”

 

Clarke raises her head and looks at the brunette in disbelief. “What?”

 

“Why are you so surprised, Clarke? I actually graduated from Berkeley.” She admits.

 

Clarke giggles. “No fucking way.”

 

“I’m offended. I’m not stupid.” Lexa jokes.

 

“Hey, I’ve never said you were stupid! I’m just surprised.”

 

“It’s okay, I was just kidding.” She smiles and Clarke lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder again.

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Yes, Clarke?”

 

“I really like spending time with you, you know?”

 

Lexa grins when Clarke looks up.

 

“I really like spending time with you too.”

 

“It’s cold.”

 

The brunette sighs. “You should go home.”

 

“You promise you’ll meet me again soon?”

 

“I promise, Clarke.”

 

The blonde slowly gets up, but Lexa doesn’t move. “Where are you gonna go?”

 

“I’ll probably stay here.” The brunette says. “Don’t worry about me though.” She adds quickly with a sad smile. The truth is she has nowhere to go. She’s like those kids they saw when they met in the park last time. Homeless.

 

“You’re not staying here, Lexa. Let’s go. I’ll find you a place to sleep.” She grabs the other girl’s hand.

 

“Clarke, you don’t have to do this.”

 

“I know. But that’s what friends do, am I right?” She smiles and Lexa smiles back. Clarke can’t help but think how beautiful Lexa’s smile is.

 

Lexa gets up and they leave the park together, still holding hands. She thinks this is the happiest she has been since her father died. Holding Clarke’s warm and soft hand feels so good. It feels like a proof that the blonde really does care. That Lexa is important. That Lexa isn’t alone anymore.

 

“Where are we going?” She asks. “I hope you don’t want me to sleep in your house. You live with Bellamy, right? I don’t think he’d be happy to see me.” She notices Clarke’s smile fades when she mentions Bellamy, so she asks. “Is everything okay?”

 

Clarke remains silent.

 

“You can talk to me, you know? We’re friends.”

 

The blonde sighs. “We’ve been arguing a lot lately.”

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

Clarke doesn’t want Lexa to know that she’s the reason they’ve been arguing, so she says “no. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, Clarke. You’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

 

“Okay, we’re here.” She checks the flowerpots to find the keys. She opens the door and lets Lexa in.

 

“That place is not comfortable at all, to be honest, it’s my father’s old workshop. But a mattress is somewhere here. Is it okay?”

 

“It’s alright, really. Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa says looking deep into her eyes and Clarke smiles softly. The blonde looks so beautiful, smiling like this. Lexa wishes she wishes she could kiss her.

 

“It’s really early right now, so I guess I should go. I’ll visit you tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Today?”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

Lexa nods with a smile. “I can’t wait.”

 

“Bye, Lexa.”

 

“Goodnight, Clarke.”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke’s smiling all the way to Bellamy’s apartment. She missed Lexa so much, she can’t believe she got to see her again. She can’t believe she will see her again tomorrow. It’s too good to be true. Knowing that the brunette knows how much she cares about her and that she’s safe makes her really happy. There’s nothing more important than this.

 

She silently opens the door and takes her shoes off without turning the lights on. She doesn’t want to wake Bellamy up. She starts walking toward the door when she realizes it’s too late.

 

“Where have you been?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for all the mistakes and typos. Please, let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize you had to wait, but i was a little busy with work and school. Here it is though, finally.
> 
> IMPORTANT: I was rereading the story the other day and i realized that in chapter 1 Lincoln introduces Echo as his cousin and in chapter 2, i think, i introduced her as Lexa's drug dealer. Echo is NOT their cousin. I've already changed it in chapter 1.

Bellamy Blake isn’t that kind of a person that gets angry easily. It doesn’t mean he never does, there are just few things that make him mad. And this situation is one of them. Because how is he supposed to feel when he finds out his girlfriend sneaked out in _the middle of the night_ , not telling anyone about it, possibly to spend time with Lexa Woods, who’s _a goddamn drug addict_?

 

No, not “possibly”. Bellamy is 100% sure Clarke is with Lexa.

 

He can’t understand Clarke’s behavior. She knows very well how he feels about her new “friend”, and yet she chooses to ignore it. What’s wrong with her? Can’t she see that Lexa is dangerous? Lexa Woods should be in prison. People like her should be separated from normal people. And Clarke should be here right now, with him, not with… with _her_. She just came back from DC, they don’t spend much time together, so why is she wasting it with that girl?

 

But the most important question is: why won’t Lexa leave the blonde alone? Why is she so interested in her? Maybe it’s not about Clarke herself, but about her money. Yes, that’s definitely the reason. She needs money to get her drugs. She’ll take the money and then leave.

 

(Bellamy hopes this happens soon.)

 

(Bellamy isn’t jealous. Not at all.)

 

He’s sitting in his dark living room. “His”, because Clarke still refuses to call this apartment theirs. She never calls it home, it’s just “Bellamy’s apartment”. It doesn’t feel like Clarke either. There aren’t any… stuff (Bellamy has no idea how people call those things)… his girlfriend uses to paint, and her clothes are still in her suitcase. He wishes Clarke would feel like this is their place, like she’s home. Maybe she just needs some time. But it doesn’t matter now.

 

Finally, he hears the door open. He gets up from his chair, trying to make no noise. He’s trying to be calm, but he fails this time. He snaps.

 

* * *

  

Clarke almost has a heart attack when she hears Bellamy’s voice, full of barely controlled anger.

 

“Jesus fuck, Bell, are you trying to kill me?” She asks breathing heavily and turns the lights on.

 

“Where have you been?” He asks, raising his voice a bit.

 

“I went for a walk.” She lies.

 

“For fuck’s sake, don’t lie to me!” He snaps. “You were with her, weren’t you? I told you to stay away from her.”

 

“Oh, you ‘told me to’? I don’t belong to you, Bellamy. I can do whatever I want to! I don’t have to fucking tell you anything. What the hell is your problem?!” She shouts.

 

“You know what my problem is, you know it very well. You are supposed to be here, with me.”

 

“Sorry, Bell, but you don’t get to tell me what I’m supposed to do, just because you’re my boyfriend.”

 

“’Just because’? So being my girlfriend means shit to you?”

 

Clarke groans. “No, Bellamy. But I obviously mean shit to you, if you think it’s okay to tell me what to do!”

 

“Because you’re my fucking girlfriend!”

 

“Your girlfriend, not your daughter!”

 

“You know it’s wrong Clarke. You wouldn’t have lied otherwise.” Bellamy takes a step towards Clarke.

 

“This is exactly the reason I lied! You get angry for no reason!” Clarke shouts, not caring about the neighbors.

 

“’No reason?’ She’s not good for you!”

 

“You know what? Fuck you. I’m tired.” She says, rubbing her eyes, turns around, and goes to the bedroom.

 

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t be so tired now if you were sleeping, not hanging out with that cunt.” Bellamy yells, his back to Clarke.

 

She comes back after a minute with a pillow and a blanket. “Don’t call her that ever again.” She warns, her jaw clenched. “I’m sleeping on the couch. Goodnight.”

 

“I’m not done yet.”

 

“Well, I am.” Clarke replies and turns the lights off.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke woke up 2 hours ago is already angry. Her back aches and she’s still mad at Bellamy for being an ass. She doesn’t understand her boyfriend’s behavior. Not only he treats Lexa like shit, has no time for Clarke at all, he now treats his girlfriend like he owns her. This is not Bellamy she knew before she left. This is not Bellamy she fell in love with 7 years ago. This Bellamy is an asshole, who thinks he’s better than everyone. She realizes maybe it’s time to end this. What’s the point of being with him if he treats her like that? What’s the point if her boyfriend is more like a stranger than someone she’s been best friends with for over 20 years?

 

Maybe if she breaks up with him now, there will be still a chance for them to be friends? Probably not.

 

All she wants to do today is sit on the couch with a remote in one hand and a glass of wine in the other one. She decides to give Lexa a call and tell her she doesn’t feel like meeting her today. She knows the girl doesn’t have a phone anymore, but fortunately, there’s a still working phone in the workshop. She calls, praying that Lexa will answer the phone, and she does.

 

“Hello?” Clarke hears Lexa’s quiet voice.

 

“It’s Clarke. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like coming over today.” Clarke says.

 

All she can hear is Lexa’s disappointed “oh”, so she quickly adds: “I know I promised, I’m sorry, Lex.”

 

“It’s alright, Clarke. We’ll meet another time. If you want, that is.”

 

“I’d love to. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

 

“You don’t have to, Clarke. Do you wanna talk about it?” Lexa asks, concerned.

 

“No, I don’t feel like it. I’m just gonna stay at home and watch shitty tv shows.” Clarke sighs.

 

“Okay. I hope you start feeling better soon.”

 

Clarke smiles faintly. “Thanks, Lexa.”

 

“Bye, Clarke.”

 

“Bye.”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is drinking her third glass of wine when she hears someone knocking on the door.

 

“Who the fuck…?” She mumbles and gets up, silently hoping it’s not Bellamy, who’s knocking because he forgot his keys. When she opens the door and finds Lexa on her doorstep.

 

“I know you said you didn’t wanna talk about it but I thought I could bring you some pizza and then go. So… yeah.” She explains with a shy smile.

 

“What kind of pizza?” Clarke asks hesitantly, not letting Lexa in.

 

“No pineapples, I swear.”

 

“You can stay then.” The brunette grins when Clarke lets her in.

 

“It’s only 11:30 and you’re already drinking?” She jokes when she walks into the living room, noticing a bottle of wine. “Tough day?”

 

“Tough night.” Clarke answers and sits down on the couch with a loud groan.

 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about it.” The brunette says and sits down next to the other girl. “But we can watch the new season of Orange is the New Black.”

 

Clarke turns around to face the girl with a raised eyebrow. “And drink wine?”

 

“And you can drink wine.” Lexa agrees.

 

Clarke happily takes the bottle and drinks straight from it. “You’re not trying to get me drunk, are you?”

 

“Of course not. Are we watching or not?”

  
“You’re not scared Bellamy will come back and kick your ass? He’s not a fan of yours.” Clarke asks.

 

“I am, but my friend is upset and I couldn’t ignore it.” Lexa says.

 

“You know you’re the best, right?” Clarke smiles. “Wait, no. If you give me a back massage, you’ll be the best.”

 

Clarke is surprised when Lexa suddenly gets up. “You’re already leaving? What about the pizza? She frowns.

 

“Chill, I’m not leaving. I’m gonna give you that massage.”

 

“Oh my god, you really are the best.” Clarke lies down on the couch and Lexa gets on her knees. She can feel Lexa’s hands on her back and she closes her eyes.

 

“Jesus, you’re so tense.” The brunette remarks. Clarke shrugs and explains. “Bellamy’s an ass.”

 

“Using my hands to forget about your boyfriend, huh?” Lexa jokes.

 

“Trust me, if I was trying to forget about Bell, these talented hands of yours would be lower than that.” Clarke mumbles and immediately freezes. Did she really just said that?

 

She feels relief when Lexa laughs. “Wow that was smooth.”

 

“It’s just that famous Griffin charm.” She laughs.

 

“It’s not that famous, because I’ve never heard of it.” Lexa teases.

 

“Shut up and get back to work.” Clarke jokes.

 

“Okay, ma’am.”

 

Lexa’s massaging Clarke’s back again. She sighs. “I want to apologize.”

 

Clarke looks at the girl in confusion. “Apologize?”

 

“Yes. I shouldn’t have broken down like that last night. I’m sorry you had to listen to- I’m sorry you were there when it happened.”

 

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you told me, if it made you feel better.”

 

“It did, but I should not have been so weak.”

 

“Weak? I don’t think you were being weak. I think it was very brave. You know, to tell me all those things.” Clarke raises her eyebrow.

 

“It won’t happen again.” Lexa says, avoiding Clarke’s gaze.

 

The blonde sighs. “It’s alright if you don’t wanna talk about it. Just remember I’m here for you, okay?”

 

“Okay. Thanks.”

 

* * *

  

Bellamy is now sitting on the floor in his sister’s apartment, drinking coffee. He’s been there for almost three hours now, after he decided not to go to work today. He knows how irresponsible it is, but he can’t focus on work after his argument with Clarke. He spent 10 minutes explaining Octavia what had happened and she spent over 2 hours yelling at him and then ignoring his presence to show him how mad she is. He knows she’s the only person who can help him now, so he doesn’t leave, silently praying that Octavia will start talking to him again soon. So he waits.

 

After 20 minutes Octavia finally changes her mind and decides she can help her brother.

 

“You’re an idiot, you know?” She sighs.

 

“I know.” He tells her honestly.

 

“I have no idea what’s wrong with you. Why the hell are you acting like this?”

 

“I just don’t like Lexa, okay?” He shrugs.

 

Octavia snaps. She’s so done. “You don’t have to like Lexa, but you can’t treat Clarke like shit for spending time with her!”

 

“She lied to me!”

 

“Honestly, I would’ve lied too. Why do you care so much? Lexa’s not a bad person and you know it. And Clarke just wants to help her.”

 

“I just don’t want Clarke to be friends with her. Okay, maybe she’s not a bad person, but how am I supposed to know she won’t try to give Clarke drugs too? Maybe she’s dealing too.”

 

“God, you’re so stupid. We both know Lexa would never do that. Hell, she refused when we asked her to get some pot for us! So tell me the truth.” Octavia hisses, slowly losing her patience.

 

“Oh my god, it’s just that she’s- she is gay and Clarke’s bi.” He finally admits.

 

“What the fuck, Bell? You think Clarke’s cheating on you?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean I know Clarke would never do that to me, but I’m not sure about Lexa.”

 

“That’s ridiculous, Bellamy. I know it might be hard to believe, but yes, a lesbian and a bisexual can be friends. I can’t believe you’ve been saying all that shit about Lexa only because you are jealous. Don’t you think you should apologize?”

 

“Apologize? There’s no way I’m apologizing.” His eyes widen in disbelief.

 

“Then Clarke will never forgive you. You know how much Clarke likes her, how much she cares about her. If you don’t do that, you’ll ruin your relationship. Do you really want to lose Clarke because you’re a jealous asshole?”

 

Bellamy sighs. “No. You’re right. I should apologize.” He says. He knows his sister is right. He really did snap for no reason, blinded by jealousy. It wasn’t Clarke’s fault, it wasn’t even Lexa’s fault. He, Bellamy, is the only one to blame.

 

* * *

 

 

“I think I’ll have to break up with Bellamy.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

 

“I don’t want to do that, but I think that I have to. I will have to if he doesn’t change.”

 

“Maybe you should break up with him then.” Lexa says and Clarke turns to look at the girl with a raised eyebrow. Lexa’s hands stop working and she’s the one who sighs now. “It’s just- you deserve to be with someone who respects you, someone who trusts you. Someone who thinks you’re the most wonderful person ever.” She explains. Clarke lays her head on the couch once again and closes her eyes. She can feel Lexa’s hands on her back again, this time moving much slower. She whispers. “He used to think that, you know? I don’t think he does anymore.”

 

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.” Lexa says. “I hope he realizes that before it’s too late.”

 

“Why? You don’t like Bellamy.”

 

“I’ve never said that. Bellamy doesn’t like me, even though he used to.”

 

“Before you got addicted?” Clarke asks.

 

“No, I mean before you came back.”

 

Clarke frowns. What Lexa just said is weird, because Bellamy always says he dislikes Lexa only because of her addiction. It obviously can’t be the reason, because Lexa said he liked her after she got addicted. It must be something else. Clarke turns around to look at the girl. “You think he’s jealous?”

 

Lexa chuckles. “I don’t think he has any reasons to be jealous, Clarke.”

 

“Why not? You’re beautiful.” Clarke says with a smile, her eyes never leaving the other girl’s face.

 

Lexa blushes and turns away. “You shouldn’t have drunk that much wine, Clarke.”

 

“It’s not wine, Lexa. Don’t forget I’m an artist. I know what I’m saying.”

 

“Well, thanks.” Lexa says with a smile.

 

“Your eyes are very beautiful. They’re so green, like broccoli.” The blonde turns around, so she’s lying on her back now. She’s smiling softly at the other girl, who laughs. “Like broccoli? You always get that poetic when you’re drunk, Clarke? Besides, I don’t think they’re that kind of green.”

 

“No, but I’ve never been good with words. That’s why I paint, not write poems or some shit. I bet you’re much better than me, aren’t you, miss Woods?” Clarke teases and Lexa blushes again.

 

“Let’s watch the damn movie.” Lexa says and Clarke laughs, laying her head on the other girl’s shoulder. Lexa shyly wraps her arm around Clarke’s waist.

 

They end up watching some boring movie, because Clarke didn’t feel like watching Orange is the New Black. Lexa isn’t really interested in watching it, but she doesn’t say anything, simply enjoying the blonde’s presence and the warmth of her body. It feels so good, being in someone’s arms. Lexa hasn’t felt this way for so long, she doesn’t even remember the last time someone spent time with her simply because they enjoyed her presence. It’s so easy to spend time with Clarke, without all that guilt she feels whenever her family is around. Clarke’s never judged her, she’s been nothing but supportive, even though she’s never had to. She’s Lexa’s probably the closest friend she’s ever had. Yes, a friend, because Lexa knows that nothing more will never happen between them, but moving on isn’t easy. Especially now, when Clarke’s softly rubbing Lexa’s belly, and the brunette for a moment forgets how to breathe.

 

_What is she doing is she trying to ruin me oh my god._

She isn’t going to ruin their friendship with her stupid feelings though. She’s already lost Costia, she isn’t going to risk what they have now.

 

She meant it when she said she hoped Bellamy would change his behavior. Clarke seems to be happy with him, or at least she used to be. She knows she would never be able to give Clarke what Bellamy can – a normal life, full of happiness. And Lexa wants Clarke to be happy, more than anything, because this is what Clarke deserves. Lexa will not ruin Clarke’s happiness because of her crush. She doesn’t need another reason to feel guilty.

 

She moves her head slightly to look at the other girl and finds Clarke studying her face with a smile and Lexa smiles back.

 

“I wish I could see you like this more often, you know? Smiling.” Clarke whispers. “I want you to be happy. After all those things you’ve been through you deserve it. You deserve to live without that guilt. I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive yourself.”

 

Lexa stops breathing for a moment. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to forgive herself, but with Clarke looking at her like this, she almost believes it’s possible.

 

She stares at Clarke, not saying anything, with her lips slightly open. Their faces are much closer now that Clarke raised her head from Lexa’s shoulder. So close the brunette can feel the other girl’s breath on her lips. She notices that the blonde stopped rubbing her belly and she moves her hand to cup Clarke’s cheek. Lexa looks into her gorgeous blue eyes, looking for any sign showing that Clarke doesn’t want Lexa to be this close. She finds nothing but a gaze so intense Lexa’s head starts spinning.

 

This is when Lexa realizes she can’t take it anymore, so she tilts her head and kisses Clarke slowly, giving her time to pull away. But Clarke doesn’t, she kisses her back almost immediately. She captures the blonde’s bottom lip between hers and it’s all that matters to Lexa right now. The feeling of Clarke’s warm lips on her own, still a little chapped. Her hand on Lexa’s neck, softly pulling her closer. The sound of Clarke’s heart beating as fast as her own. Clarke’s breath on her lips when Lexa breaks the kiss to change the angle. All she can think about is how much she wishes this kiss would never end, because she is sure she would die if Clarke stopped kissing her. She forgets she just promised she wouldn’t ruin Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship and  that Clarke probably doesn’t feel the same way about her, because Clarke is kissing her and it’s _so damn good_.

 

Lexa has kissed lots of girls in her life, but she’s pretty sure this is the only kiss she’ll never be able to forget. Nobody has ever made her feel as important as Clarke did the moment she kissed Lexa back.

 

She’s so lost in the kiss she barely notices that someone’s calling the blonde from the corridor. “Clarke?”

 

Clarke immediately pulls away with wide eyes. “Oh my god, it’s Bellamy.”

 

Somehow Lexa’s face gets paler than before. But before she can do anything Bellamy walks into the room with flowers in his hand.

 

“Here you are.” Bellamy says. “Oh and you’re with Lexa. That’s good.”

 

“What?” Clarke can’t believe her boyfriend really said he was happy Lexa is here.

 

“Yeah. I wanted to apologize.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I was acting like an idiot last night. I don’t know why it happened, but you don’t deserve that treatment. I’m just really sorry and I hope you forgive me.” He turns his head to look at Lexa now. He forces a smile and says. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t being fair to you. Clarke cares about you and I couldn’t accept it for some reason. But it’s alright now, I hope we can be friends again.”

 

Lexa’s jaw drops. “Well, um, okay? I mean, thanks. For apologizing.”

 

“I’m sure Clarke told you what I said about you, since you’re friends now, and I just wanted to say I’m ashamed and I’m sorry.”

 

Lexa turns around to look at Clarke, but the other girl is has eyes only for her boyfriend, smiling at his softly. Lexa watches the blonde with sadness, but quickly looks away, hoping Bellamy didn’t see that.

 

“Um, it’s alright. I’ll leave you guys alone, I’m sure you wanna talk. Bye.” And she leaves the apartment, not looking at Clarke again.

 

_She has a boyfriend. She loves him. She probably kissed me back only because she was sad. Or because she wanted to forget about Bellamy. She doesn’t like me that way._

She can’t go back to the workshop. She can’t go there ever again, because she knows she ruined everything with that kiss. Instead, she decides to visit probably the only person that can help her now.

_God, I’m so stupid._


	5. Chapter 5

_Oh my god, why am I so stupid? Why did I kiss her, holy shit, I’m so fucking stupid, she probably didn’t even enjoy the kiss._

_But she kissed me back._

_She was probably just trying to be nice or something._

_Do all my friends kiss me just because they’re nice?_

 

Lexa stops abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk. She thinks about it for a moment, but then she shakes her head and starts walking again.

 

_It doesn’t matter, she’s dating Bellamy anyways._

She knows she shouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that Bellamy and Clarke made up saddens her. There’s no way Clarke will-

_Will what? Date me? Why would she want to date me? There’s nothing I could give her, I could only ruin her life._

_But she likes me and she wants to help me._

 

_She can’t help me. Nobody can help me._

_But she likes me._

_I don’t even know if she likes girls, maybe she just wanted to know how it feels to kiss one._

_I don’t know, it seemed to be pretty real._

_OK, she’s probably bi then. Maybe she did enjoy the kiss. But I bet she kissed me back to forget about Bellamy anyways. It’s not a big deal._

_But I’m in love with her. It is a big deal._

_But she’s not in love with me. She’s in love with Bellamy._

 

She snaps out of her thoughts once she realizes she’s already there. She has these old wooden door in front of her, once again. She was sure she’d never see it again, but here she is, right in front of it.

 

* * *

 

_“Remember when you were a kid and you thought-_

_“Shut up, Linc.” Lexa silences her brother. She’s 16 now. She doesn’t believe in those stories anymore._

_Lincoln only chuckles._

_“Are you sure he isn’t home?” Lexa asks. “We’ll get in trouble if he is.”_

_“Don’t worry. It’s Friday. He’s probably busy getting drunk with his ‘friends’. We’re safe.”_

_Lexa takes a deep breath. They were supposed to come back home 2 hours earlier, but Lincoln convinced her to stay a bit longer in the library. They always spend most of their free time there, not wanting to come back home and have to deal with their parents. Lexa felt a little guilty at first, because it meant they had to leave their mother alone with him, but their mother didn’t seem to mind it, she still doesn’t. She is not only used to spending time with this monster, she loves him. And Lexa can’t forgive her that._

_“Okay, let’s go then. We have to be quiet though.” She slowly opens the door and walks in. She doesn’t turn the lights on, because she doesn’t want to wake their mother up. She can hear her brother follow her, but doesn’t turn around. He closes the door and that’s when Lexa notices that the lights in the living room are actually on._

_Her first thought is to run away. Turn around, grab Lincoln’s hand and run away, before it’s too late. But she doesn’t. She’s paralyzed, she’s unable to look at her brother to see if he noticed it too. Something tells her he did though._

_Then her father appears right in front of them with a belt in his hand. She’s scared, so scared she wants to cry, but she doesn’t. She’s going to show him that she’s strong. He knows she’s not._

_“You were supposed to be back 2 hours ago.” He says. Lexa knows that tone very well. He pretends he’s calm, but she knows he’s furious._

_“We were doing homework in the library, dad. I’m sorry we’re late.” Lincoln says, bowing his head._

_“Do I look like I give a shit?” He asks, but when nobody answers he snaps. “I asked if I look like I give a shit, Lincoln!”_

_Both Lincoln and Lexa flinch at the sound. “No, dad.” He mumbles._

_“That’s what I thought.” He moves closer to his son, raising his hand._

_“No, dad, wait, it’s my fault. Please, dad, it was my fault.” Lexa says, trying to stop him and taking a step forward. She thinks he will ignore her, but he doesn’t. Instead, he punches her so hard in her face she falls._

_“Shut the fuck up!” Her father yells and she flinches again. She looks up and finds her crying mother, standing next to her, watching them in silence._

_Lexa knows she won’t help. She never does._

 

* * *

 

Lexa hopes this time she will help. But when she knocks, she immediately regrets it. She knows it’s a huge mistake, but she couldn’t stop herself. She hasn’t been here for so long, and her last visit wasn’t really worth remembering. But she has to try, she needed help. Even if she kicks her out. After 3 painfully long minutes the doors open and she hears her sad voice.

 

“Lexa, what are you doing here?”

 

Lexa sighs. “Hey, mom.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you going to tell me why you were such an ass or not?” Clarke asks, sitting on the couch with Bellamy.

 

Bellamy sighs. “Do I have to? It’s kinda embarrassing.”

 

“Don’t you think it’s fair?”

 

She turns her face to look at her boyfriend and realizes that he is, he really is, embarrassed. Clarke almost laughs. Almost.

 

“I was jealous.”

 

“Bellamy, this is-“ Clarke starts, but then she realizes what he just said and her eyes widen. “You were what?”

 

“I know it’s stupid, okay? I was scared. I didn’t want you to fall in love with Lexa or something, and then leave me. I know, I should’ve known you’d never do anything like this, but I was so insecure, and Lexa is so gay and pretty.” He says, clearly ashamed. “But I know that just because you’re bi and she’s gay doesn’t mean that you’d cheat on me. I’m sorry, Clarke.”

 

Clarke feels guilty, because it turns out Bellamy was right. 20 minutes ago she was in fact cheating on her boyfriend on this couch. She not only kissed Lexa back, she enjoyed the kiss as well. She didn’t stop it and she didn’t want Lexa to stop. She’s pretty sure that if Bellamy didn’t interrupt them, she’d be still kissing Lexa right now, because it was such an amazing kiss.

 

She can’t tell Bellamy though. Not now. It would break his heart. Instead, she fakes a soft smile and hugs her boyfriend.

 

* * *

 

 

Anya Woods wakes up late, like she usually does. Just like every day, since her husband died. She used to be that person who always gets up early, mostly because she didn’t want to give him a reason to get mad at her. He used to think sleep is for lazy people, so she always made sure to wake up with him. But now he’s gone and she realized that sleeping is not that bad. The more she sleeps the less time she has to think.

 

She goes to the kitchen and she finds a cup of coffee on the table. She smiles softly. Lincoln has always been a good kid. He is the only person that cares about her. She takes the coffee, even though it’s already cold, and decides to watch TV. She isn’t paying attention though, she just stares numbly at the TV, waiting for a good moment to go back to sleep again. She needs to make sure Lincoln safely comes back home and then she can go to sleep. Hopefully, she’ll fall asleep immediately, not bothered by thoughts of her dead husband and almost dead daughter.

 

She focuses on the tv, not wanting to think about Lexa. She misses her daughter too much. She knows it’s too late though, she lost her daughter forever. She doesn’t blame her. She understands why Lexa started doing drugs, she understands why Lexa left. She, Anya, is the one to blame. She hated her own daughter, she blamed her for killing him. Even though he was a monster and he had it coming. But back then, she didn’t understand why. Now it’s too late. She’ll never have her Lexa back.

 

She knows Lincoln won’t be back early today, so she decides to drink another coffee and then watch tv again. She goes to the kitchen, where she finds a note. She must’ve missed it in the morning somehow.

 

_Mom, please don’t forget to take your meds this time. I’ll be back in a few hours._

_Lincoln_

 

She smiles softly. Such a good boy.

 

She’s about to ignore what her son asked her to do, when she’s interrupted by a knock. She frowns. It can’t be Lincoln. She doubts his friends decided to visit him, because they all knew Lincoln is working. Who is it then?

 

She realizes that person, whoever it is, is still waiting for her to open the door, so she slowly moves to the corridor. She finally opens.

 

She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to feel right now. Relieved, because she’s alive? Happy, because she’s here? Mad, because she left? She isn’t even sure if it’s really happening. She wants to make sure that it really is her, she wants to hug her, but she doesn’t, too scared her daughter would push her away. Instead she whispers:

 

“Lexa, what are you doing here?”

 

It doesn’t sound good. It sounds like she doesn’t want her here. But Lexa doesn’t turn away, she doesn’t leave. She sighs and says: “Hey, mom.”

 

“You shouldn’t be here. If Lincoln finds out-“

 

“I’ll leave before he comes back, mom, I promise.”

 

Anya takes a moment to study her daughter’s face. She looks tired, but still much better than the last time. She isn’t shaking, so she’s not on drugs. Why is she here then? Lincoln will get so mad when he finds out…

 

Lexa sighs again. “I should not have come here. Bye.” She’s about to leave, but her mother stops her.

 

“Wait. What do you need?” When Lexa hesitates, Anya asks. “How much do you need?”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I’m not here because I need money.”

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

Lexa opens her mouth to answer, but she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t really know why she’s here. Her mother’s words don’t surprise her at all, but it still hurts. Apparently, she can’t even visit her own mother just because she feels like it.

 

Anya sighs. “Hold on.” She disappears and comes back after a minute with a wallet. She opens it and hands Lexa few bills. “Here. You should go before Lincoln’s back.”

 

“I don’t need your money.” The younger woman shakes her head and gives the money back.

 

“What do you need then?” Anya snaps.

 

Lexa looks at her mother in disbelief. “Well, I needed you, but-“ She shrugs, not able to finish the sentence. “Don’t worry. You will not see me again.”

 

She turns around and leaves.

 

* * *

 

Lexa slowly walks into the workshop. She’s so exhausted, all she wants is go to sleep, even though it’s not late yet. She needs to forget about Clarke and her mother, she needs to rest. She’s not that lucky though.

 

“Lexa.”

 

The brunette immediately recognizes this voice and sighs. She slowly turns around. “Clarke.”

 

The blonde is sitting on the mattress and biting her nails.

 

“We have to talk.”

 

Lexa nods, still standing next to the door, not sure what to do. “Okay, let’s talk.”

 

“It was a mistake. That kiss- it didn’t mean anything.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I have a boyfriend.”

 

“I know.”

 

Clarke sighs and runs her hand through her hair. “God, Lexa, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you back. Fuck, I have a boyfriend. I don’t know why-“

 

“Clarke, it’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not, Lexa. I don’t like- I mean, I do like you, but-“

 

“Not like this, I know.” It’s nothing new for Lexa. She knew it. It still hurts though.

 

“I’m sorry, Lex.”

 

Lexa is so angry at herself right now. She shouldn’t have kissed her. What if Clarke decides they can’t be friends anymore and she will lose her too, the only friend she has left? She can’t tell Clarke the truth, it would only make things harder.

 

“It’s alright, Clarke. It’s not like I have a crush on you or something. You’re a great friend, but that’s all. I’m sorry I kissed you.” Lexa says, hoping Clarke will believe her.

 

And it looks like she does. Clarke gets up. “Okay. Let’s just forget about it.”

 

“Can we still be friends?”

 

“I think so.” Clarke sighs. “I have to go now. Goodbye, Lexa.” She leaves.

 

_Yeah. We’re definitely gonna be friends now. The best fucking friends ever. Good job, Lexa. You ruined everything._

 

Lexa sighs. She knows there’s nothing she could do right now. She should give Clarke space.

 

* * *

 

It’s official. Clarke Griffin has a crush on her friend, Lexa Woods. And it’s shit. Not because Lexa is a girl. Clarke has always known she was bisexual. Not because Lexa is a drug addict, because, even though Clarke knows it’s wrong, it doesn’t change anything. It’s because Clarke has a boyfriend. And because there’s nothing she can do about this crush.

 

The blonde doesn’t want to break up with Bellamy anymore. Yes, she was thinking about it a week ago, but she’s not so sure anymore. Bell has changed since they talked about it. He isn’t that controlling asshole anymore, he’s a loving boyfriend he used to be. Her boyfriend. Her Bellamy. They manage to spend much more time together now that he doesn’t work that much anymore, and Clarke doesn’t have to start working on her paintings yet. She’s grateful for that, because yes, she might be falling in love with Lexa, but she still loves Bellamy.

 

She was hurt when Lexa said the kiss didn’t mean anything, even though she’d said pretty much the same thing. She was disappointed, because the kiss felt so real, and it made Clarke feel so good, she couldn’t believe it was just a kiss, no feelings. Clarke isn’t sure if Lexa said the truth, but the blonde is glad Lexa said that. It would make things much more complicated than they already were. And to make things even less complicated Clarke decided (again) to avoid Lexa. It’s going to be easy (right?). Clarke will stop meeting Lexa, she’ll fall out of love, she’ll start meeting her again, and everything will be alright again. She’s been avoiding her friend for a week now, not meeting her even though she promised she would. She misses Lexa, of course, but she thinks it’s better for both of them.

 

Except that it’s not that easy. Nothing is easy. The truth is that after everything that happened between Clarke, Lexa, and Bellamy going back to normality isn’t easy. Of course it isn’t, because Clarke hasn’t stopped thinking about Lexa since she felt the brunette’s soft lips on hers. Because even though Clarke loves Bell, it doesn’t feel the same anymore. Nothing feels the same anymore.

 

She’s in the living room, drawing and waiting for Bellamy to come back home. They’re going to order pizza and watch a movie. It might sound boring, but it’s something they haven’t done in a while, and they both missed it. They’re both happy they finally got an opportunity to just be together.

 

Bellamy’s voice interrupts her though, calling her from the corridor, so she closes her sketchbook, ignoring the fact that she’s been sketching Lexa’s face for hour.

 

He kisses her and she kisses him back, trying to ignore her own disappointment, because his lips aren’t as soft as Lexa’s.

 

He holds her in his arms, while watching “Titanic” again, and she’s trying not to think about how gentle Lexa’s arms were.

 

He looks at her with a smile, and Clarke is trying, she really is, to stop thinking about Lexa’s green eyes, the most beautiful eyes she’s ever seen, and that soft smile she loves so much.

 

She falls asleep with her head on his chest later that night, and Clarke is once again trying not to wish she was with Lexa now instead.

 

* * *

 

“Last week I promised my today’s guest would be someone special, and well, she definitely is someone special. Talented, rich, beautiful, and famous. Even here in California it’s a rare combination, it’s so hard to find someone both talented and beautiful.” He chuckles, thinking his jokes are funny. “Guys, please welcome Clarke Griffin!” That ugly guy says, trying to sound excited. Lexa rolls her eyes, but she immediately smiles once Clarke appears on the screen. Clarke is smiling and waving, looking absolutely gorgeous, and Lexa can’t help but smile even wider. She hasn’t seen the blonde in a while and she’s missed her a lot.

 

She is so proud of Clarke, she deserves to be famous.

 

After Clarke left her in the workshop 3 weeks ago, she went back to her mother’s place, accepting the money this time. She has spent most of her mother’s “gift” already, but she has enough to survive next 2 weeks. She still spends nights in the workshop, and it doesn’t look like Clarke’s planning to kick her out of there any time soon, so she doesn’t have to worry about finding a new place to sleep, and she’s very grateful. It’s getting colder and colder. She still needs money though, because she needs heroin again, but that’s alright as long as she has a place to sleep. She thinks about selling the mattress, but she quickly stops. It’s Clarke’s. She’s not stealing Clarke’s things, even if it means no drugs for her.

 

“Hello, Mark.” Clarke says and sits down next to the ugly guy.

 

“Tell us a little bit about yourself. When did you realize you wanted to be an artist?”

 

“I feel like I’ve always known. I’ve always liked art, and I’ve always wanted to be like my favorite artists.” Clarke answers politely.

 

“That’s amazing.” Mark says with a fake smile.

 

“This asshole’s not even trying to sound interested.” Lexa murmurs.

 

“Thank you.” Clarke smiles.

 

Mark asks a few more questions before asking: “Clarke, tell me what inspires you the most?”

 

Clarke’s grin widens. “Well, I think the question is who inspires me the most. It’s always people that inspire me, not only because my paintings are mostly portraits. The paintings you can see in the gallery in Washington are darker, I guess, because I missed them. I missed my people. Now I have them back in my life and that’s why my recent paintings are brighter and more colorful. Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Lexa, they all make me a lot happier.”

 

Lexa grins. She hasn’t heard anything like this in a long time. She is one of the people that make Clarke Griffin happy. She, Lexa Woods, makes someone happy. Incredible.

 

“Alright, thank you very much, Clarke, and good luck.”

 

“Thanks for having me.”

 

“See you next time.”

 

Clarke disappears and Lexa gets up, still smiling. Clarke mentioned her during the interview. It means even though they haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks, the blonde still liked her, still wanted to be friends with her. It means Lexa didn’t ruin anything, she didn’t lose her friend.

 

Lexa leaves the bar, deciding that it’s time to celebrate.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke leaves the studio it’s already dark, but it doesn’t stop a large group of people from waiting for her. They spot her immediately, and get really loud.

 

“Clarke, oh my god, it’s Clarke Griffin!”

 

“Clarke!”

 

“Clarke, I love you!”

 

Clarke chuckles. She truly loves her fans. She doesn’t think of herself as a celebrity, so seeing how many fans she has always surprises her. She’s only an artist and yet she has fans all over the country, dreaming about meeting her. They’ve always supported her, even though she’s never done anything for her fans. Yes, it sounds bad, but she’s painting for herself. No one else.

 

She spends a few moments taking photos with her fans until Bellamy interrupts.

 

“Clarke, can we go? I’m tired.”

 

Clarke smiles and nods. She knows he hates Clarke’s meetings with her fans. She says goodbye to them and leaves with Bellamy.

 

* * *

 

20 minutes later she’s in her boyfriend’s apartment, with her hand still on the doorknob and Bellamy’s lips on her neck.

 

“Let’s go to the bedroom, Clarke.” He murmurs and then kisses her again.

 

“I don’t feel like it, Bellamy.” She says.

 

“Oh come on, Clarke, it’s been weeks.” He says and then kisses her lips.

 

Clarke doesn’t kiss him back though. She doesn’t want his lips. She doesn’t want to be in his arms. She doesn’t want him. Kissing Bellamy doesn’t feel good anymore, because she’s not in love with him anymore. She’s in love with Lexa. That thought makes her so happy she almost smiles. Clarke is in love with Lexa.

 

_But Lexa isn’t in love with you._

She knows she will never have Lexa. The brunette is not in love with her.

 

She still should talk to Lexa about it. Right now.

 

Bellamy stops kissing her with a frown. “Clarke?”

 

“I’m sorry, Bell. I have to go.” The blonde pushes him away and leaves.

 

* * *

 

She’s been standing at the doorstep for at least 5 minutes now, not knowing what to do or what to say.

 

_“Hey Lexa, I know I said that kiss was a mistake, but I was wrong and I’m kinda in love with you”?_

Or maybe: _“Hey Lexa, I was kidding, let’s make out.”?_

Clarke isn’t sure, but none of them sounds good enough. She’s not even sure why she’s here. It’s a bad idea.

 

_Come on, Griffin, just do it._

She knocks and Lexa opens a few seconds later. The brunette’s face appears in front of her and suddenly Clarke knows. She knows why she’s here.

 

“Clarke.” She says.

 

The blonde doesn’t say anything. She closes the distance between them and presses her lips against Lexa’s. She moves her hands to Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer. She relaxes when Lexa kisses her back.

 

Clarke pulls away though, disappointed. It wasn’t as exciting as their first kiss. She could feel Lexa was much more distant than the last time. Did she not enjoy it? Did she mean it when she said they shouldn’t have kissed? She frowns and looks into Lexa’s eyes. She sighs.

 

“You’re high.”

 

Lexa shrugs, but then looks at her shyly. “It’s okay if you want to leave, I understand.”

 

“I’m not leaving. Unless you want me to?”

 

Lexa shakes her head almost immediately.

 

“I’ll stay then.” She says.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later they’re lying on a mattress. Clarke is on her back, watching Lexa, whose gaze is focused on their intertwined fingers. That’s what they’ve been doing after Clarke decided kissing Lexa isn’t a good idea. The blonde isn’t disappointed though, because she finds this almost as pleasurable as kissing Lexa. Or at least doing it the first time.

 

“I was watching your interview today.” Lexa starts, still not looking at Clarke. The blonde notices that the other girl’s pupils aren’t as dilated as they used to before.

 

“You were?”

 

“You said I make you happy.”

 

“Because it’s true.” Clarke admits.

 

“Thank you.” Clarke looks at the brunette with a frown, but before she can ask, Lexa continues. “Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for staying. Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but thank you.”

 

Clarke moves her hand to Lexa’s cheek and strokes it cheek gently, which causes the other girl to close her eyes. “I could never give up on you. I think that the biggest problem is that you’ve given up on yourself.”

 

Lexa slowly opens her eyes to look at Clarke. “Thank you for being the only one who’s never given up on me then.”

 

Clarke doesn’t say anything, she just leans in to kiss the brunette and Lexa immediately kisses her back. The blonde pulls away after a while.

 

“Much better.” She whispers and Lexa chuckles.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry you had to wait and i'm sorry this chapter is so short, but i decided it's better to write shorter chapters so i can post them more often.
> 
> Anyways, happy new year!

Lincoln Woods is woken up by a loud knock on the door. He groans loudly - it’s still dark outside, so it must be rather early. Without opening his eyes, he begins looking for the phone, to check what time it is. He groans again, when he realizes it’s only 8:13 am.

 

He gets up and slowly moves to open the door.

 

“Bellamy? Is everything okay?” He asks, alarmed.

 

“Yeah… well, it’s not. Have you seen Clarke today?” Bellamy asks, very worried.

 

“Clarke? No, I haven’t seen her yet. Why? What happened?”

 

Bellamy lets out a deep sigh. “I don’t know. She left last night and I haven’t seen her since.”

 

“Look, you know Clarke. She’s probably alright.” Lincoln says, trying to calm him down. “I can help you find her if you want. We should talk to Octavia and Raven.”

 

“Thanks, Lincoln. I know that-“ Bellamy takes a breath. “I’m sorry for asking, but do you think you could help me find Lexa? I have a feeling that she could help us.”

 

“You’re probably right. But let’s talk to the girls first, I don’t wanna talk to Lexa unless it’s necessary.” He answers after a long moment.

 

“Thanks. I know it’s hard for you.”

 

“Are there any other places-“ Lincoln frowns. “Maybe she’s in the workshop?”

 

“You think so? She hasn’t been there since her father died.” Bellamy raises his eyebrow.

 

“I think we should try. Go talk to O and Raven. I’ll get dressed and go to the workshop.”

 

* * *

  

“Clarke, wake up, I can’t breathe.”

 

Clarke wakes up immediately. Why does her pillow have to be so rude? Was it necessary to wake her up? She raises her hand trying to silence it.

 

“Clarke, what the fuck? Stop hitting me!” The pillow protests.

 

Wait. Pillows don’t talk. Pillows are also much more comfortable. And they aren’t that hot. She frowns, opens her eyes, and slowly raises her head. Her eyes widen when she realizes that it wasn’t a pillow, but Lexa’s face.

 

“Shit, Lex, I’m so sorry.”

 

Lexa smiles softly. “It’s alright. It actually felt pretty nice before you decided to suffocate me.” She jokes. “I mean, it’s not that I spent hours like this. I woke up like 5 minutes ago. I’m not a creep.”

 

Clarke chuckles and rests her forehead on Lexa’s, but she immediately pulls away, replacing her forehead with her palm.

 

“Lexa, why are you so hot?”

 

Lexa smirks. “Wow Clarke, thanks. You know I already am in bed with you, right?”

 

“No, you idiot. You have a fever!” She sits down next to Lexa and cups her cheeks.

 

“I’m fine, Clarke.” Lexa says, taking Clarke’s hands in hers.

 

“You have to see the doctor.” The blonde says, while trying to get up to get dressed, but Lexa doesn’t let her.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa moves to sit next to Clarke.

 

“What if it’s something serious?” the other girl asks, clearly annoyed.

 

“It is something serious. It’s called heroin addiction.” Lexa rolls her eyes. “I’ll be alright, Clarke.” She releases one of Clarke’s hands and moves her own to the blonde’s waist, pulling her closer.

 

Clarke kisses her forehead softly. “You promise?”

 

Lexa looks into her eyes and smiles sadly. She wishes she could. She wants to tell Clarke she will always be here for her. She wants to tell her that she will stay alive, but she doesn’t. She can’t. And they both know that.

 

“I’ll do my best.” She says instead. She sighs and smiles again. “We should probably get up. Do you know what time it is?”

 

“No, hold on.” She takes her watch from the floor next to the mattress where she left it the night before. Then she sits down next to Lexa again, closer this time, and smiles when the other girl opens her arms to hold her close. “It’s only 10 am. We can cuddle a little more.”

 

“We can’t, I’m hungry.” She teases and it makes Clarke groan.

 

“Lexa, please, I don’t wanna get up.” She wraps her arms around the brunette’s waist and hides her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

 

“Come on, Griffin, move your ass.” The brunette teases again.

 

Clarke sighs and mumbles. “Fine. But you’re an asshole.”

 

Lexa laughs. It’s so easy to laugh when Clarke is around, to be with the blonde. It makes her think that maybe she can be happy after all, happy without drugs. For the first time in over a year she can imagine her life without heroin. For the first time ever she can imagine herself being happy. She could get a job, a house maybe. She has always wanted to have a small house with a huge garden. And dogs. She would definitely have a few of them.

 

Lexa wonders if Clarke likes dogs.

 

She smiles even wider. Maybe if she stopped doing drugs, she would have a chance with Clarke. She doesn’t think she does now, even though they’ve kissed, and they’re currently cuddling. It probably doesn’t mean anything to Clarke. It can’t mean anything. She deserves better than this, better than dating someone like Lexa, a murderer and a drug addict.

 

_Maybe someone like Bellamy?_

Lexa’s smile immediately fades. She forgot about him. Only someone stupid would choose Lexa instead of him. Clarke is not stupid.

 

The blonde looks at her and frowns when she notices Lexa’s sad smile.

 

“You alright?” Clarke asks, but that’s when a familiar voice interrupts them.

 

“Clarke? Are you here?”

 

They both immediately look at the door, that’s slowly opening. Lexa doesn’t need to look at Clarke, because she knows that the blonde looks just as shocked as Lexa herself. They know they should not be that close, that they should pull away before it’s too late but they’re both frozen, because they both know what’s going to happen now.

 

Lincoln, after a few long moments, opens the door and slowly gets inside. It takes him about 5 seconds to realize that Clarke is in the workshop. It takes him 2 more seconds that the blonde is perfectly fine, in his sister’s arms. Lexa looks at Lincoln with wide eyes and quickly pulls away.

 

“Lincoln-“ she starts.

 

“What the fuck?!” Lincoln looks at Clarke and asks angrily, completely ignoring his sister.

 

“Calm down, Lincoln. Nothing happened.” Clarke says calmly and stands up.

 

“Nothing happened? For some reason it’s hard for me to believe you.” He spats and Lexa moves to stand next to Clarke.

 

“You don’t have to believe me. I don’t have to tell you anything.” Clarke says, clearly irritated.

 

“You’re right. You don’t have to. I guess it doesn’t matter that I’m your friend.” He says. Clarke wants to say something, but he doesn’t let her. “What about Bellamy? He was worried. But he shouldn’t have, because you are alright, having fun with _her.”_

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Lincoln-“

 

“Don’t.” He interrupts her. “Really, Lexa? Did you really have to fuck Clarke? She has a boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!” He lets out a humorless laugh. “But it’s not like I expected anything better from you.”

 

“We didn’t-” Lexa tries again.

 

“I said, shut up!” The boy snaps and takes a step forward. Lexa flinches and instinctively takes a step back.

 

“Lincoln!” Clarke yells, trying to stop him. “What the fuck?!”

 

Lincoln freezes. He glances at Clarke, then at his slightly raised hand, then at his sister again. Lexa is staring at him with wide eyes, slightly shaking. He notices that Clarke is standing much closer to Lexa right now, as if she is trying to protect her. Lincoln realizes what he was about to do and takes a step back.

 

“Shit, Lexa, I’m sorry.” He whispers, ashamed shame. “Look, I didn’t mean to, okay? I just got mad. Lexa, I’m sorry.” He wants to come closer, comfort his sister, hug her, anything, but he doesn’t. He knows he messed up this time. Instead, he silently apologizes again and quickly leaves.

 

Clarke turns around to look at Lexa, but the other girl seems not to notice that. She’s staring at now closed door and breathing heavily.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke says and comes closer. When Lexa doesn’t do anything to stop her, she tenderly cups her cheeks. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. I won’t let him hurt you.”

 

The brunette finally looks at her and shakes her head. “I have to go.” She takes her clothes from the floor and puts them on.

 

“Lexa-“

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I have to-“ She says while looking for her shoes. “Bye, Clarke.”

 

“Lexa, please don’t do this.” Clarke begs.

 

“Don’t do what?” The other girl snaps.

 

“Don’t push me away.” She says, her voice breaking.

 

Lexa stops dead in her tracks and looks at the blonde. “Jesus fuck, you have a boyfriend! Leave me alone and go back to your perfect life!” She shouts, then turns away and leaves.

 

* * *

  

“Echo, let me in.” Lexa says and knocks even louder. “I know you’re inside.”

 

She’s been standing at Echo’s doorstep for at least 10 minutes now, but the other woman won’t show up, ignoring every call. Lexa sighs. “Echo, please.”

 

She’s about to leave when she hears Echo’s quiet voice. “I’m not opening, I know you’re here to kill me.”

 

Lexa looks at the door in disbelief. “Kill you? I’m not killing you, even though I probably should. You know what I need.”

 

Echo finally opens the door. “And you think I believe you?”

 

“You most certainly do, you opened the door.” Lexa says impatiently. Echo sighs and lets Lexa in.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is heartbroken. Lexa’s words hurt her more than she’d admit, even though Lexa was right. Clarke does have a boyfriend after all. And she cheated on him. She fell in love with someone else. Now, she’s going to do the right thing – she’s going to break up with Bellamy. Not because she thinks she’ll be with Lexa. She doesn’t think Lexa and her could ever be in a relationship, because she doesn’t think the brunette will come back to her. And she’s not going to be the one to say sorry first. She didn’t do anything wrong, she doesn’t have to apologize. She’s not giving up on Lexa, but she doesn’t want to be the only one who cares. She wants Lexa to prove that Clarke means something to her too. That’s pretty mature, isn’t it?

 

She thinks it’s time to leave the workshop, she doesn’t want to be here when Lexa comes back. She takes her phone out of her pocket and calls Bellamy. He picks up almost immediately.

 

“Clarke? God, I was so worried. Where the hell are you? I’ve been looking for you with Lincoln. Have you seen him? He stopped answering my phone calls.” Bellamy says, relieved.

 

“Bellamy, we need to talk. Can we meet in your apartment?” Clarke says, trying to sound calm.

 

She’s not calm. She’s freaking out. She’s about to break up with her boyfriend. Her Bellamy.

 

“Sure. Are you okay Clarke?” He asks.

 

Shit.

 

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’ll be in your apartment soon.” She says and quickly ends the call.

 

* * *

 

When she gets there, Bellamy is already in his apartment. He appears right after she opens the door.

 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I know I should’ve stopped right after you said no. I’m really sorry.” He says, trying to hug her. She awkwardly pulls away, and gets inside.

 

“I need to tell you something.” She opens her mouth, but the door opens again, revealing Lincoln this time.

 

“Where the hell have you been, buddy?” Bellamy asks, but Lincoln ignores him, his eyes focused on Clarke. “Never mind. Clarke’s here already, but thanks for helping me.” He grins, unaware of the looks Clarke and Lincoln kept giving each other. “Are you guys hungry? I can cook something if you want. Or we could just order pizza. What do you think?” He frowns when Clarke and Lincoln both ignore him. “Guys?”

 

Lincoln lets out a shaky breath. His gaze jumps from Clarke to Bellamy, and then to Clarke again, with tears in his eyes.

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised to update more often the other day, so i'm updating. no clexa, but it's disgustingly fluffy. Let me know what you think!

“I’m not gonna lie, you fucked up today.” Clarke says, sitting down next to Lincoln on a couch in Bellamy’s living room. They’re alone, because Clarke’s boyfriend thought they were going to need lots of alcohol, and went shopping. Both Lincoln and Clarke know he only did that to give them time to talk, and they both appreciate it.

 

“I know.” Lincoln mumbles.

 

“She was scared of you.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You should talk to her. Of course, you can talk to me, Raven, or Octavia, but we both know it won’t help you as much as talking to Lexa.” Clarke says, placing her hand on his shoulder.

 

“No, I’m not talking to her.”

 

“Why not?” When he doesn’t reply she whines. “Are you sure you’re not actual siblings? You’re both so fucking stubborn! What do you want then? If you don’t wanna talk to her, then what do you want?”

 

“I don’t know, okay?! I just- I don’t want her to be scared of me.”

 

“Then you have to talk to her, Linc, if you want her back.”

 

“I know. I’m so ashamed.”

 

“She loves you. You know she does. She’ll forgive you.”

 

“She won’t. I gave up on her.”

 

“You will never find out unless you talk to her.”

 

Lincoln sighs. “You’re right. I’ll talk to her. Maybe if she knows we still love her, she will stop doing drugs.”

 

“Maybe. Just don’t try to make her stop again, okay? It won’t help.”

 

“Okay.” Lincoln says. “Clarke, is there something between you and Lexa?”

 

Clarke sighs. She’s been waiting for him to ask this question since this conversation began. She doesn’t want to lie, Lincoln is one of her best friends, but she knows she can’t tell him the truth. Not yet. So she turns away to hide her face from him and answers: “There’s nothing between me and Lexa. We’re just friends.”

 

“But you slept with her. And you were cuddling.” He tries again.

 

Clarke knows it won’t be easy to fool him, but she uses the worst excuse ever anyways. “She was upset, because she misses you and your mom. And we didn’t- I didn’t sleep with her. I promise.” Well, that wasn’t a lie.

 

“Okay. Because that’d suck. I mean, Lexa is awesome, but you have Bellamy.” He smiles and Clarke chuckles nervously. “Yeah, exactly. I have a boyfriend.”

 

_Shit._

 

* * *

 

 

Lincoln leaves a few hours later and decides that he should immediately talk to Lexa. It’s hard for him to believe that it took him so long to see that he was an asshole. He kicked his sister out, he wasn’t there for her, he left her when she needed him the most. He blamed Lexa for destroying everything, but he was actually the one to blame. She deserved much better than that.

 

He went back to the workshop, but Lexa wasn’t there. It doesn’t surprise him, she always goes on those very long walks when she’s upset. And in this town there’s only one perfect place for walking. That’s why he’s currently in the park, looking for his sister. Clarke told him that Lexa likes to be where there’s more trees and bushes. Lincoln doesn’t know if it’s because she’s trying to hide from the cops or because she just wants to be left alone. Probably both.

 

He’s lucky, he finds her there. She’s sitting and for a moment he thinks she’s awake, but then he realizes she’s sleeping. She looks so innocent, so calm, waking her up feels bad. So he sits down next to her instead. He wishes he had a blanket, because she looks cold. He thinks about giving her his jacket, but he knows it would immediately wake her up, and he doesn’t want that, but he doesn’t want her to sleep like this either, so he finally changes his mind. He softly touches her shoulder and whispers: “Lexa?”

 

“5 minutes, Linc.” She mumbles, her hand searching for a pillow to cover her face. She doesn’t find it though, she frowns, and slowly opens her eyes. She then realizes where she is and what happened, and looks at her brother angrily.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I wanna talk.” he says, almost shyly.

 

“I don’t wanna talk to you.” She tries to leave, but he stops her.

 

“Please, Lex.” He sighs. “I’m sorry. I really am. For everything. For not being here for you, for fighting with you all the time. I just thought that if I did, you’d stop doing that. That I’d have you back.” “I miss you, Lex.”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and turns away, so she doesn’t look at him. “You were right to feel like this. I left you and mom.”

 

“No, I didn’t. I should’ve supported you, I should’ve kicked you out. Clarke was right. You needed me and I left you all alone.”

 

“Yes, but i-“ She starts, but Lincoln interrupts her.

 

“No, Lexa. I won’t let you think it’s all your fault. It isn’t. I’m sorry for being a terrible brother.”

 

“Well, I wasn’t the best sister ever either. Thanks though.” She smiles sadly.

 

“So, are we good now?” He asks with hope in his voice.

 

“Can I ask you something?” She asks, finally looking at him.

 

“Sure.” He says, but it’s obvious he’s not that sure.

 

“Does it happen often?

 

“What?” He frowns.

 

“Do you get that angry often?”

 

“I don’t think so. But I- I think mom’s scared of me. It sucks, because I’ve never got mad at her, you know? I’ve never hit her or anything. I don’t know what’s going on. Is it her or she’s right? I don’t understand.” He explains, embarrassed.

 

“You should talk to her.” Lexa sighs.

 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

“I’ll go with you.”

 

“Thanks, Commander.” He teases and she rolls her eyes.

 

“Stop calling me that.”

 

“Hey, does Clarke know this story?” He asks with a grin.

 

“Don’t.” She sends him a glare and it makes him laugh.

 

“I should tell her.”

 

“I’ll end you.” She says seriously.

 

“But it’s so cute.” He says, trying to tickle her, but she doesn’t let him.

 

“It’s embarrassing.” She sighs. “And I don’t think Clarke cares. I fucked up.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I got mad at her and told her to leave me alone.” She bows her head.

 

“Talk to her. She still cares, you know?” He says, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

 

“I’m not sure. Why would she? She has Bellamy.” She lets out a humorless laugh.

 

“You like her.” It’s not a question.

 

“I do.” She admits.

 

“Did you really sleep with her?”

 

“I didn’t. I promise.”

 

“Okay. Does she like you?” He asks. He hopes Clarke does. She would be good for Lexa, even though he knows he shouldn’t think like this since Clarke has a boyfriend. But he knows Clarke would make his sister happy.

 

“She doesn’t. I’m only a friend.” He notices she’s trying to hide the sadness in her voice, not to show how much it hurts her, but he knows her too well. He knows.

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“She told me.”

 

“Wait, what? So you told her about how you feel?” He frowns.

 

“No.” She sighs. “I kissed her.”

 

“Did she kiss you back?” He probably should be angry, but he isn’t. He wants Lexa to be happy.

 

“Yes. But then Bellamy came back home and I left. We talked later and she said she doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

 

He nods. “What are you going to do?”

 

“I’ll go. I’ll apologize.”

 

“And?”

 

“And what?” She asks, confused.

 

“You should fight, Lexa! Don’t give up just because you think you’re worthless. You’re not.” He wants to convince her, but he doesn’t think it’s working.

 

“She deserves better than this.”

 

“You’re just scared, because you think she’ll leave like Costia.”

 

“Don’t.” She warns him. “Costia was right to leave.”

 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” He stands up. “You should fight for Clarke though. Come on. Let’s go home.”

 

She doesn’t move. “Lincoln… I’m not ready to stop. Not yet.”

 

“It’s alright. I’m not gonna get mad at you again. I promise. I don’t support this, but I’m gonna support you.” He smiles at his sister softly. What he and Lexa have is special, and he doesn’t want to lose it again.

 

“Thanks. But I’m taking my blue blanket back.” She teases.

 

“No way. You left it. It felt lonely. It’s mine now.” He pretends to be hurt and Lexa chuckles.

 

“It’s not.”

                                                 

“It is.”

 

“Fuck off, Lincoln.” She punches him in his arm softly.

 

“I’m telling Clarke why we call you commander.”

 

“You know what? I actually hate that blanket.” She says and Lincoln laughs.

 

(Lexa gets the blanket anyways.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, it was supposed to be fluff!  
> I'm sorry you had to wait again, but I was really busy with school (I know. I always say that) and then the 3x01 happened and i kinda died.  
> I think you'll like the next chapter more than this one, because we'll all finally get what we want.  
> Anyways, don't forget to leave a comment.

_„Mommy, do you think Lexa will like it?” Lincoln asks. He thought it was a good gift for his sister, but he isn’t sure anymore. Lexa told him he didn’t have to get her anything, but he still wanted to. For secret reasons._

_Anya smiles. She’s always been grateful that her children loved each other so much. People warned her that it could be difficult for Lexa to accept she wasn’t an only child anymore, but nothing like this happened. Seeing how much they care about each other and seeing them protecting each other makes her feel so proud. She bends over and kisses her son’s forehead. “She will, I’m sure. It’s blue and it’s a gift from you. She’ll love it.”_

_“You think so?” He asks with tears in his eyes._

_“I do.” She adds, seeing how sad Lincoln was. “You know, maybe you should give her the blanket right after she wakes up?”_

_“Really?!” He asks with a huge grin. “I’m gonna wake her up, mom!”_

_“No, wait, let her sleep!” She says with a smile, but it’s too late – Lincoln is already running towards his sister’s bedroom with the gift in his hand._

_“Lexa! Lexa, wake up!” He sits down next to her on a small bed in Lexa’s bedroom and Lexa wakes up with a quiet groan._

_“What’s going on, Linc?” Lexa mumbles, but she doesn’t open her eyes._

_“It’s your birthday! You have to open your gift. Come on, Lexa.”_

_“Five minutes.” She mumbles._

_“Wake up or I’ll tickle you.” He warns, but she ignores him. He sighs dramatically and says: “I didn’t want this to happen, but I have no choice.”_

_“Okay, okay, I’m awake.” She says hurriedly and slowly sits down. Lincoln grins again and hands her a big package._

_“Happy birthday, Lex. This one is from me.”_

_“I told you you didn’t have to.” She smiles softly._

_“You got one for me too. It’s only fair.”_

_“Thanks, little brother.” Lexa says, not noticing that Lincoln isn’t smiling anymore._ “Little brother?” She definitely will stop playing with me, I’m just her little brother.

_She slowly unwraps the package and smiles when she finds a blue blanket. “Thank you. It’s perfect.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Of course it is. Are you okay?” She asks, finally noticing her brother’s smile faded._

_“Yes, I- I was just worried.” He answers shyly._

_“Why?”_

_“Because you’re 11 now and you probably won’t want to play with him anymore, like on tv. You’ll be too old to play with me and you’ll suddenly get interested in boys and makeup. I don’t wanna lose you, you’re my sister and I love you. So i got her this blue blanket and-“_

_“You got it?” She interrupts him._

_“Yes, i used almost all money I’d gotten for my birthday from uncle Gustus, but it was worth it.”_

_“Thank you, but it you didn’t have to.” She can’t help but smile._

_“But what if-“_

_“I love playing with you. And other boys are gross. I’m not going anywhere.” She reassures him and then laughs when he hugs her tightly._

* * *

 

It’s been 2 weeks since Lexa moved back to her mom’s house. It’s been better than she thought it would be. She wakes up every day early, right after Lincoln leaves to school, but before her mother wakes up. She visits Echo, she uses, spends a few hours in the park, doing nothing but watching people around her or reading (hardly ever, because it’s hard for her to focus on anything, but she does). Then she comes back home, where Lincoln is already waiting for her, and spends time with him. They watch movies, they talk, they play video games – they just enjoy being together again, like they did when they were younger.

 

Lincoln knows what Lexa does when he’s at school, but they don’t speak about it. He promised he would support Lexa and he does. Losing her again would be too hard for both of them. Anya isn’t as happy as her son is though. She is okay with Lexa living with them again, but she thinks her daughter should spend less time with her brother saying that she doesn’t “need another drug addict in her family.” Of course, both Lincoln and Lexa ignored Anya.

 

It’s also been weeks since Lexa last talked to Clarke. They haven’t made up yet, even though Lincoln has been telling Lexa to apologize every day. She doesn’t know why she hasn’t done that yet. Wasn’t she right? Clarke does have a boyfriend. He’s better for Clarke than Lexa will ever be. He loves Clarke, he has a beautiful apartment, a great job. Lexa has nothing and is a mess.

 

Of course, Lincoln finds it very annoying. “Jesus fuck, Lexa, just go talk to her. Why are you so stubborn?”

 

And every time Lexa says: “I’m not ready yet and I’m not stubborn. I’m just… I need some time.” Which always makes Lincoln want to kick her ass.

 

He knows it will take his sister months to finally talk to Clarke, so he decides to help her a little - he invites Clarke, Octavia, and Raven over. He did invite Bellamy as well, but he said he would be busy working on his new article. Having Lexa, Clarke, and Bellamy in one room would be really awkward anyways – especially for Clarke. And for him too. He still doesn’t know how he would feel if his sister and Clarke started dating. He doesn’t want Clarke to break up with Bellamy, because he loves them both. But he wants Lexa to be happy. And apparently, Lexa needs Clarke. He doesn’t know how Clarke feels about his sister. She obviously cares about her, but does she like her as much as Lexa does? Would she ever hurt Lexa?

 

Of course not. Clarke is a good person.

 

Luckily, the girls agree to come over (it’s probably because none of them knows that Lexa lives with him again.) He calls them and they all appear 2 hours later, with movies and 3 huge boxes of pizza (Raven and Octavia really do eat a lot). He smiles as soon as he hears familiar bickering.

 

“We can’t be friends anymore, O. You betrayed me. How could you say that Mulan 2 is better than Mulan? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Raven asks very seriously.

 

“Excuse me, but Mulan 2 is a fucking masterpiece. The songs were much better and I loved those badass princesses. You know shit.”

 

“I’m done, you’re not getting any pizza.” Raven says, as she walks into the living room.

 

“I bought the fucking pizza!” Octavia yells, offended.

 

“Hello to you too, guys.” Lincoln says with a smile. He finally notices Clarke, who smiles and sits down on a couch. They’re soon joined by O and Raven, who are still arguing.

 

It takes them a while to choose a movie. Lincoln doesn’t really care, he’s too busy watching Clarke. The blonde looks tired and sad, and he thinks maybe it’s not the best moment to invite his sleeping sister to watch a movie with them. He asks her quietly: “Are you okay?”

 

She turns around and gives him a sad smile again. “I’m good.” She sighs and asks: “Have you talked to her?”

 

He smiles, but his smile is much wider than hers. “I have. We’re good now.” Lincoln decides he shouldn’t play any games with Clarke now and surprise her, so he decides to tell her the truth. “Actually, she’s here.”

 

Clarke’s eyes widen and she asks, much louder than she would want to. “What?!” Octavia and Raven stop bickering for a moment, focusing on Clarke. “Why didn’t you- Does she know I’m here?!”

 

“She doesn’t. She’s sleeping.” He says with a humorless laugh.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Lincoln?”

 

“I know, and I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. But I wanted you guys to make up.”

 

“Well then maybe she should apologize first.”

 

“I know, but she keeps saying that she’s not ready yet, because she knows she fucked up, and it’d probably take her years to finally talk to you.” He sighs. “I think she’s doesn’t wanna talk to you yet, because she’s scared you’re giving up on her.”

 

“I’m not. I like her, and I don’t want that to happen. But this time I want her to be the one who will apologize.” Clarke says.

 

“So you’re not mad?”

 

“I’m not. Wake her up and tell her we have pizza.”

 

“Thank you.” He smiles softly and yells: “Lexa!”

 

“What?” They hear a muffled sound from Lexa’s bedroom.

 

“Food!” He yells again. The door opens after a few seconds and they hear Lexa’s voice.

 

“Why can’t you just come to my room and ask, instead of yelling? You know, like a normal person?” She yawns, and when she opens her eyes she notices that her brother isn’t alone. Her eyes go wide when she realizes who’s sitting next to Lincoln. “Uh, hey guys.”

 

They’re all looking at Clarke now, waiting for her to say something, but the blonde ignores them all, suddenly interested in what’s happening in the movie. When the silence gets too uncomfortable, Lexa asks: “Clarke? Can we please talk?”

 

“I’m busy, I’m watching a movie.”

 

“What about after you’re done watching a movie?

 

“I’ll think about it.” Clarke answers, not looking at the brunette.

 

Lexa clenches her jaw and looks at her brother again. “I’m not that hungry, I’m going back to sleep. It was good to see you, guys.” She disappears before Lincoln can stop her.

 

“You were supposed to talk, remember?” He tells Clarke.

 

“Yeah, but I don’t want her to think I’m that easy.” She says and takes another slice of pizza.

 

* * *

 

 

It takes Lincoln almost an hour of begging to finally convince Clarke to talk to Lexa. She takes some pizza and wordlessly walks into Lexa’s bedroom. The brunette really is sleeping, but wakes up when Clarke sits down on her small bed and starts eating.

 

“I thought that slice was for me.” Lexa starts.

 

“Nah.” Clarke says, not looking at the other girl.

 

Lexa sighs. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I know I’m an ass.”

 

“You are.” Clarke says, still concentrated on eating.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

 

Clarke sighs, deciding she’s not hungry anymore. “I’m not that mad.”

 

“You’re not?” Lexa frowns.

 

“I’m not. I was, because you were right, but not anymore.” Clarke says, lying down next to Lexa.

 

“Clarke-“

 

“No, you were. I have a boyfriend. But- well, it wasn’t nice when you said that. I mean, I’m aware what I’m doing is wrong, but actually hearing it- it made it feel… I don’t know… _real_ , you know? Like, fuck, I really do have a boyfriend and I really did kiss you. I love him, and I’m hurting him.”

 

Lexa just nods firmly. It’s nothing new. She knows Clarke loves Bellamy, she’d never-

 

“This is why I have to break up with him.”

 

_Wait, what?_

 

“Why?”

 

“It isn’t fair, Lexa. I don’t know what it is that we have, but it isn’t fair. I can’t be with him and do this, whatever we’re doing.”

 

_Oh my god oh my god oh my god. God is real._

“If this is what you want.” Lexa says, trying not to sound too excited.

 

Clarke turns to face the brunette. “What do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your decision.” The brunette says. “I just- I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too. But I’m still angry. It took you almost a month to finally talk to me.” Clarke says. “I have to go.” She gets up, but Lexa’s voice stops her.

“Clarke-“

 

“I have this exhibition next week. You can come, if you want.” Clarke says, not looking at the other girl. “Can you please do something for me?”

 

The brunette frowns. “What is it?”

 

“If you decide to come, please don’t use, okay? This one time.” She asks, this time looking at Lexa.

 

“I won’t, I promise.”

 

Clarke nods and leaves, and Lexa thinks maybe she still has a chance.


	9. Chapter 9

 

“Okay. You’ve got this, Clarke. You’ve got this.” Clarke repeats again, trying to calm her racing heart. She’s never been as nervous as she is right now. It’s not her first exhibition, but the very first one in her hometown. Her whole family, her friends, her boyfriend, they all will see her paintings in a gallery for the first time ever. People she’s known her whole life. She knows they will be honest with her, and she doesn’t know if it’s a good thing, because, in her opinion, her latest paintings simply suck.

 

She couldn’t focus on anything, but what was going on in her life. Falling in love with Lexa, ruining her relationship with Bellamy, the whole moving back to Polis thing, all these things make her feel helpless. And she fucking hates feeling helpless. This is why her paintings are full of anger, and she doesn’t know if she likes it.

 

She actually knows. She doesn’t like it at all.

 

She is in the gallery, standing in front of one of her paintings, so lost in her thoughts she doesn’t even know what painting she’s looking at, with a glass of wine in her hand. It hasn’t started yet, so she still has a few moments for herself.

 

“It’s gonna be a great event, don’t worry, Clarke.”

 

Well, not anymore.

 

Clarke sighs and faces John Murphy, the owner of the gallery. “I hope so.”

 

“I know it will, you’re one of the most popular artists in the country. Your works are in my fucking gallery. Fuck.” He says with a smile. He has always liked Clarke, even after she started dating his worst enemy, Bellamy Blake.

 

Clarke fakes a chuckle. “I still don’t understand how it happened that you own a gallery. You’ve never seemed like someone who likes art.”

 

“I had to choose between being a lawyer, like my mother, or a cop, like my father. I decided to become a disappointment.” He smirks.

 

“Yeah, I know something about disappointing your family.” Clarke says. Her mother, Abby, hasn’t accepted the fact her daughter didn’t want to be a doctor, and it’s one of the reasons they hardly ever talk. “How’s your father though?” Clarke has met Alex Murphy a few times, unfortunately. Even though he was a nice man, he was still a cop, and meeting him always meant trouble for young Clarke, Raven, and Octavia.

 

“He’s fine. Busy working on something drug related.”

 

Clarke gets curious, but she doesn’t ask for details, because Murphy’s assistant announces it’s time to let people in.

 

Oh fuck.

 

* * *

 

Surprisingly (Clarke is the only one that’s surprised), the exhibition has been going smoothly. The guests seem to be enjoying themselves and her paintings. They made sure she knew that, because she received many compliments and sold five of her works. She doesn’t even know how many times she has thanked Murphy so far, because it definitely is a huge event and Polis will never forget it.

 

Still, she can’t help but be a little upset. Actually, Clarke is very upset, because the person she was most excited to see today isn’t here. She was ready to forgive Lexa, she was ready to give her another chance (even though Clarke knew Lexa had been right), but apparently Lexa doesn’t care as much as she thought. She isn’t angry though, she’s sad, because she misses the brunette a lot. And Lexa promised to be here.

 

“Jesus, Clarke, will you finally relax?” She hears Raven’s voice from behind her. Does Raven know? But how? How does Raven know that she misses- “People love your paintings, there’s nothing to worry about.” Oh.

 

Clarke sighs. “I’m relaxed, Rae.”

 

“You call this relaxed?” Raven snorts. “You must be fun at parties”

 

“You know I am. We’d party together all the time, dumbass.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

 

“Yeah, but we haven’t in months. Dumbass.” Raven says.

 

Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes again. “I actually regret inviting you. You’re officially my least favorite friend. Where’s the golden trio?”

 

“Well, the Blakes are fighting again, because Octavia stole the last brownie and Bellamy wanted to eat it, and Lincoln is hitting on some girl.” Raven shrugs.

 

“What? Bellamy doesn’t even like brownies.” Clarke asks, raising her eyebrow. “You know what? I was kidding. You definitely are my favorite.”

 

“I thought Lexa was your favorite.” The brunette teases, but then frowns when her best friend stops smiling. “You invited her, didn’t you?”

 

“I did.” Clarke turns away, to hide her disappointment from Raven, but the other girl knows her too well. They have known each other all their lives and Raven knows Clarke better than anyone, even better than Octavia and Bellamy, who are usually too busy bickering to see that there’s something wrong going on with Clarke. But Raven knows. Raven can see it all. “She promised she’d be here.”

 

“Okay. What is it between you two? I know we haven’t hung out much lately, but even I can see you like her.”

 

Clarke takes a deep breath. She knows she should deny it, but she’s tired of lying. She wants to be finally able to talk about it to someone, someone who will tell her what to do. But she doesn’t have to say anything, her silence is enough for Raven.

 

“You totally do like her.” Raven silently says.

 

“I do.” Clarke finally admits.

 

“Does she know?”

 

“I- I don’t know. We’ve kissed a few times, but I’ve never told her how I feel.”

 

“What?! You’ve kissed?! What about Bellamy?” Raven widens her eyes, her voice a bit louder.

 

“I’m going to break up with him.” Clarke says after a moment of silence.

 

“And then what?” The brunette asks, her voice quiet again.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You’re going to tell her you like her, she’ll become your girlfriend? Clarke, she’s-“ She lets out an irritated huff.

 

“I don’t know, Raven! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what will happen. I know I like her, but I don’t know how she feels about me.” Clarke says, her voice comes out louder than she wanted to.

 

Raven gives her some time to calm down before asking: “Do you want to be with her?”

 

“I would- I’d totally see myself dating her.” Clarke admits, struggling to find the right words.

 

“Aren’t you scared?”

 

Clarke frowns. “Scared? Why would I be scared? I know she looks quite scary, but I promise, she’s not as-“

 

Raven rolls her eyes. “No, you idiot. She’s an addict. What if something bad happens? What if she gets arrested? Or dies? I hear like half of heroin addicts dies.”

 

“Thanks, Raven, I feel much better now.” Clarke says, sarcastically.

 

“Yeah, but isn’t it her second year or something? Maybe she won’t die yet.” Raven doesn’t give up.

 

“Raven, could you please shut the fuck up?”

 

“Why are you annoying my girlfriend again, Reyes?” Bellamy’s voice interrupts them, as he comes closer and grabs his girlfriend’s hand.

 

The brunette gives Clarke a knowing look and then her gaze focuses on Bellamy. “I’m not. She loves me. She just admitted I was her favorite.”

 

Bellamy pouts. “And I’m not?”

 

“I’m pretty sure Clarke will explain everything to you. I gotta go find the sexier Blake.” She glances at the blonde once again and leaves.

 

“But I’m right here!” Bellamy says, but she only snorts without stopping. “What was Raven talking about?”

 

“Nothing. It was Reyes being Reyes.” Clarke smiles weakly.

 

“Are you sure? You look tense.” He says and grabs her by her hips. “You should relax.” He whispers before he leans to kiss her neck, but she pushes him away. “Bellamy, there are other people in this gallery, please behave.”

 

He takes a step back with a smirk. “Okay. I need to go now, because Murphy needs my help, but you know where to find me, if you want to relax.” Bellamy gives her a quick kiss and leaves.

 

Clarke decides to go grab a snack, but something happening near the front door catches her eye. She frowns and goes there to see what’s going on. Is someone trying to ruin her event? Clarke hopes this is not what is going on, she worked way too hard to let anyone ruin this event. Her event. Her night.

 

“I’m telling you, your name isn’t on the list. You can’t be here.” One of two security guards Murphy hired is apparently arguing with someone.

 

“And I’m telling you my name should be on this fucking list. If you don’t believe me, go ask Clarke.” Clarke hears a familiar voice and her heart stops beating for a moment. She’s here.

 

“I’m not going anywhere. Get out before I kick you out of here.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Look-“

 

“Let her pass.” Clarke interrupts.

 

The guard turns around, surprised. “But-“

 

“I said let her pass.” She repeats.

 

The man finally gives up and moves slightly to his right to let Lexa in, irritated.

 

Lexa ignores him and gives Clarke a small smile, the smile she loves so much, the smile that never fails to give her butterflies. “I’m sorry, I’m late, Clarke.”

 

Clarke nods, not waiting for an explanation. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“Me too.” Lexa says, softly. She looks around the gallery. “Do you want to show me your paintings? I don’t know much about art.”

 

“Really? I thought you wanted to be an English teacher. You should know a lot about art.” Clarke jokes as they start their walk.

 

“I was more into poetry than art.” Lexa admits.

 

“What about now?” The blonde asks, curious.

 

“Well, I was definitely more into reading before drugs started killing my brain cells.” Lexa jokes, but the other girl doesn’t smile. Clarke thinks about what Raven said earlier that night. There is a possibility Lexa will die, and Clarke knows that, seeing how Lexa looks worse and worse every time they see each other. She would never admit how much it annoys her that Lexa talks about it like it’s nothing. Like it’s just a joke, like she doesn’t believe she can actually die because of drugs.

 

The brunette notices that Clarke got silent and, knowing the reason why, she immediately moves on to a new topic. “I like this one.” She steps closer to one of Clarke’s works. “These colors look great together.”

 

“Thank you.” Clarke says. Her eyes don’t even leave Lexa’s face to see which work the other girl is talking about. As if she’s scared that the brunette will leave the moment she lets her out of her sight.

 

“There’s no need to thank me, Clarke, it really is great.” Lexa says, as she grabs one of Clarke’s hands and squeezes it slightly.

 

“Thank you for being here. And thank you for keeping your promise. I know it’s not easy for you.”

 

“It’s not, but I promised.” Clarke smiles and Lexa’s grin widens, seeing how happy Clarke is because she’s here. Clarke is happy because of her. “Show me more paintings. I wanna know why Clarke Griffin is so famous.”

 

“Oh, shut up, Lexa.” Clarke rolls her eyes playfully. It takes Lexa only few minutes of walking, talking, and laughing, to make all the stress Clarke felt disappear, even though they’re not holding hands anymore.

 

But not for too long.

 

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Clarke, but can we please talk for a few minutes?” Clarke immediately stiffens when Cage Wallace speaks. She hasn’t noticed him until now.

 

She faces him with an irritated sigh. She hates him so much, she feels like throwing up. She hates his voice, his disgusting smirk, his face that reminds her of mashed potatoes that her cat had thrown up on her new dress when she was a child. Clarke Griffin isn’t a person that daydreams of murdering someone often.

 

“I’m busy, Cage.” She says with a clenched jaw. Lexa senses that Clarke is getting more and more annoyed and puts one of her hands on Clarke’s shoulder.

 

“It’s only a moment, I swear. Then you can come back to your… beautiful friend.” He says, his gaze moving to Lexa. Clarke’s blood boils when he starts checking her out. She knows it’s stupid, but she can’t help but feel a little jealous, even though she has no right. Lexa isn’t hers.

 

But when her eyes leave Cage’s and focus on the brunette’s instead, when she meets her worried gaze, she almost believes that Lexa is.

 

She won’t give that satisfaction to that asshole though. She knows that everything he does, he does to make her angry, to make her lose control. It’s not going to happen. Not this time.

 

“Lexa, could you please give us a moment?” She says.

 

“Are you sure?” Lexa asks with a frown.

 

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m gonna be okay.” Clarke reassures her, and when Lexa nods and leaves, she looks at Cage again with disgust.

 

“What the fuck do you want?” She nearly growls.

 

“I just wanted to see how you’re doing in Polis. I can see that quite well. It’s a huge gallery.” Cage says, that stupid smirk never leaving his face. “I bet it took a lot of dick sucking to have your terrible works here, am I right?”

 

Clarke moved closer to him, trying hard not to punch him. “Why? Are you jealous? Your paintings are so bad that even sucking dicks doesn’t work?”

 

“I have some of them in one of the biggest gallery in Washington, as you probably know, Clarke.”

 

“Well, it would be fucked up if you had to suck your father’s dick, since he owns the gallery.” Clarke lets out a humorless laugh.

 

Cage stops smiling, suddenly angry. “Be careful, Griffin. I’m in Polis now, and you can bet your ass I’ll find something to destroy your career.” He quickly recovers, and a second later the smirk is back. “See you soon, Clarke.” He turns around and slowly leaves.

 

Clarke lets out a deep sigh. Fucking Cage, ruining her mood again.

 

She looks around the gallery until she spots familiar brown hair, near a table with snacks and glasses of wine. Clarke never thought it was possible to look so fucking gorgeous wearing only white shirt and a pair of tight black jeans. Until now. Clarke feels sparks of excitement in her pants. She knows what she needs. Bellamy was right - nothing will help her relax better than a quickie.

 

She feels herself getting wetter at the thought. She doesn’t care that she’s in her public place, that it’s her exhibition. All she cares about is that need to relax, to feel something other than stress and anger. She nearly runs and when she is finally near enough she grabs one of cold hands.

 

“Clarke, what-“

 

She answers in a low voice. “I need you. Now.”

 

* * *

 

  
Clarke isn’t sure how they made it to this room, because her mind was so clouded, she couldn’t think straight. It took them quite a while to find an empty one, but they did. She quickly shuts the door and begins to take her clothes off.

 

“I need you. Please.” She looks up to see if there’s resistance in these beautiful eyes she loves so much, but she’s met with nothing but hunger. She smirks when the white shirt and black jeans join her dress on the floor a moment later. She doesn’t get to say anything though, because that’s when her back meets a cold wall, and but it doesn’t matter, nothing does, except for these almost equally cold hands on her hips and warm lips on hers.

 

She doesn’t waste any time and opens her mouth to let a warm tongue in. Their tongues fight for dominance for a bit, but eventually Clarke gives up. She likes being in control, but not this time. Now she needs to be fucked, she wants to be fucked so hard stress will disappear again, so hard she’ll forget about Cage, about the exhibition, about all her problems, and even her own name. Clarke moans when sharp teeth bit her bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood. She exposes her neck to give a better access when her jaw and then neck is kissed.

 

“Fuck, you’re so hot, Clarke.” She hears a husky voice near her ear. “Have you got any idea how sexy you look right now? How much I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you today?” Clarke groans when a cold hand palms squeezes her breast and then pinches her nipple. She was never into dirty talk, but oh god, she’s pretty sure just hearing this hot voice is enough to make her come. “I've been thinking about having my hands all over you, touching you, about hearing you moan my name all day.” The other hand moves down Clarke’s body and stops at her naked inner thigh, caressing it softly, even though there is nothing soft about bites she feels on her neck. “About taking you, fucking you against a wall.”

 

Clarke lets out another moan, her fist full of brown hair. “Then, fuck me. Fuck me before I go crazy.”

 

Instead of touching her where Clarke needs the most, a cold hand grabs her chin to make her look into wild eyes. “Patience, Clarke. I’m gonna have my fun first.”

 

The blonde groans loudly, not caring if someone hears them. All she can think about right now is hot tongue working on her hard nipple. Clarke feels herself getting hotter and more desperate. She needs to come.

 

“I need you inside.” She breathes out. “They’re gonna start looking for me soon.”

 

She hears a chuckle. “I know. It makes this even hotter.”

 

Clarke opens her mouth to say something, she’s interrupted with a passionate kiss. One swift move later her underwear is on the floor, exposing her dripping cunt.

 

“But I don’t wanna get inside. I want to taste you.” Soft lips brush against Clarke’s.

 

“Fuck- Do whatever you want, I’m yours, just- god, please make me come.” Clarke begs and she’s rewarded with a touch on her clit. It’s too soft to satisfy her, but her head is thrown back anyways. She closes her eyes, and lets out a long moan.

 

“God, you’re so ready for me to fuck you, Clarke.” When the blonde opens her eyes, she looks down to meet dark ones gazing at her with arousal. She’s never thought seeing other person kneeling in front of her, ready to eat her out, would make feel like this, feel her cunt become so wet, hot, and swollen. “But I haven’t heard you scream my name, yet.”

 

“I can’t take this anymore, plea-“ She doesn’t get to finish a sentence, because the warm tongue is finally working on her clit, and oh god, it feels so damn good.

 

Clarke whimpers again, when a finger starts teasing her entrance. “You’ve been a good girl, so I’m not gonna tease you, baby.” And then she finally feels two fingers inside, and Clarke knows that that combined with having her clit licked so fucking good will make her come soon. Her grip on hair tightens, trying to bring mouth lashing against her throbbing bud closer.

 

“Shit, babe, I’m so close.” She says, gasping for air, when the fingers curl, hitting that spot in her that makes her see stars. She curls her toes, ready to release.

 

“Come for me, Clarke.” And she does.

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Clarke? We have to leave soon.” Bellamy asks as he approaches his sister and Raven. He’s been looking for Clarke for several minutes now. First he thought he simply lost her in the crowd, but he can’t find her now that people start to leave the gallery either.

 

“I saw her talking to Lexa like half an hour ago.” Octavia says with a frown. “But I don’t know where Lexa is either.”

 

“Maybe they left together to talk or something. Clarke was upset that Lexa was late.” Raven says remembering her conversation with Clarke.

 

“Maybe.” Bellamy agrees with a sigh. He promised Clarke, but he still wishes Clarke never met Lexa.

 

* * *

   
“Damn, Lex, that was amazing.” Clarke says. Her hands are around Lexa’s neck, and the other girl is holding her tightly, because she’s too weak to stand on her own. She takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm her racing heart, and finally manages to say: “But I’m not done with you yet, Commander.”

 

“Oh my god, who told you?” Lexa asks, closing her eyes and slightly pulling away.

 

Clarke frowns. “Who told me what?”

 

“They told you why people call me commander, didn’t they?” Lexa says, her eyes still closed.

 

“They haven’t, but now I’m curious.” Clarke doesn’t wait for Lexa to say something, but kisses her instead. “But it can wait. Like I said, I’m just getting started.”

 

Lexa kisses her back, but quickly pulls away again. “Clarke, I fucked you. You haven’t even started.” She sighs and starts collecting her clothes. “But not today, Clarke. It’d take me like 2 seconds to come, and I want you to have your fun too.” She says with a smirk.

 

“You already think I’m that good? I haven’t touched you yet.” Clarke chuckles and grabs her dress from the floor.

 

“Drugs do that to you, apparently.” She says with a smile as they both put their clothes on. “Maybe next time, Clarke.”

 

“Oh, so there’s going to be a next time?” Clarke smiles smugly.

 

“I hope so. You haven’t seen all my tricks yet.” Lexa winks.

 

“Behave and I may let you show me these tricks.” She smirks and Lexa laughs again.

 

None of them knows that Cage has been listening to what they were doing and talking about through a closed door with a smirk.

 

I’m finally gonna destroy this bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first fic I've ever posted, so it's obviously my first smut too. Let me know what you liked and what you didn't, what I can do to improve, do you want more smut etc. Thanks and sorry you had to wait so long.
> 
> (I'm posting it on my phone, so if there's anything wrong with formatting, I'll fix it later.)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the tags. Fuck this. Nobody dies.
> 
> I don't know what to do with this story. I don't want angst anymore, i want this fic to be happier. i'm so heartbroken because of lexa's death that thinking about her being unhappy makes me wanna cry. but it's such a complicated, sad story, and lexa won't be truly happy unless she stops doing drugs, and i don't want to rush things between them. i don't really know what to do.
> 
> to all those who are going to keep reading my fic(s), even though i know how much it hurts - thank you. to all those who aren't, because it's too painful - thank you and i understand.
> 
> i'm sorry this chapter isn't that good and i'm sorry it's so short, but honestly, i hope you understand how hard writing anything is right now.
> 
> I miss her so much. She deserved much better.

Clarke Griffin officially fucked up.

 

It’s worse than that time she was caught having sex in an empty classroom in high school.

 

It’s worse than that time she accidentally scratched her teacher’s car.

 

Clarke fucked up and she wasn’t aware how much until now.

 

* * *

 

[30 minutes earlier _._ ]

 

_It takes a while for Clarke to stop panting heavily. She’s again in Lexa’s arms, her face hidden in the crook of Lexa’s neck and, she has to admit, it feels as good as being eaten out by the brunette. Lexa is watching the blonde with a knowing smirk._

 

_“Shut up.” Clarke mumbles._

 

_“I didn’t say anything.” Lexa says, her smirk still in place._

 

_“Stop smirking like this.”_

 

_“How do you know I’m smirking? You’re not looking at me.” Lexa teases._

 

_“I just know you are, you asshole.” Clarke sighs. “What are we gonna do now?” She finally looks up to meet Lexa’s gaze. “I know it isn’t- I know it’s wrong, but I cannot stop this. I can’t stop wanting you.”_

 

_“Clarke…” Lexa starts, pulling away slightly. “You should stop wanting me.”_

 

_“You don’t want me.” It isn’t a question._

 

_“I do.” Lexa tells her quickly. “I just- I don’t wanna be selfish. It would be better for you if we stopped doing this. They’re right, Clarke. I’m not good for you. And I- I just want you to be happy.”_

 

_“Then don’t leave me.” Clarke says, cupping Lexa’s cheeks._

 

_“Is this what you want?” Lexa whispers. Clarke’s heart breaks when the brunette’s eyes start filling up with tears._

 

_“I want you, Lexa. I want the good things, the bad things, I want everything.” Clarke says, never breaking eye contact with the brunette._

 

_“Being with me isn’t easy, Clarke. I don’t want to be left alone again once you realize that.” The blonde pulls her closer. She knows how hard it was for Lexa to tell Clarke that, to open up like this._

 

_“I’m not going anywhere, Lex. We’ll get through this.” Clarke kisses Lexa’s trembling lips softly._

 

_“Together?”_

 

_“Together.”_

 

* * *

 

_They leave the room separately after promising they will see each other soon. Clarke quickly notices the gallery isn’t as crowded as before. She takes a look around, looking for familiar faces of her friends until she spots Raven. She takes a few steps towards the other girl when Bellamy’s voice stops her._

 

_“Clarke.”_

 

_The blonde takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She feels too guilty to look in her boyfriend’s eyes. She can’t live like this anymore. She has to tell him the truth. “Bellamy, we need to talk.”_

 

_“Yes, we do.” He says._

 

_Clarke opens her eyes abruptly and turns around to look at Bellamy. He’s smiling widely._

 

_“We do?” Clarke frowns._

 

_“Yeah. But you first.” Bellamy says, still smiling._

 

_“No, it’s alright. Go first.” She says._

 

_“Clarke, I-” He laughs nervously. “I don’t know how to start. I had this speech prepared, but I’m so nervous, I forgot everything I was supposed to say.” He smiles shyly. “I’m just gonna tell you how I feel. I love you. I hope you know that. And if you don’t, because I probably don’t say that often enough. But yeah, I love you. I always have. I’m in love with you. It’s been so many years and I’m still falling for you, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”_

 

_He takes one of her hands and smiles again. Nobody cares about her works anymore, everyone is looking at them. Octavia, who’s smiling softly at both of them with pride in her eyes. Raven, who looks just as surprised as Lincoln who’s next to her. Lexa, her Lexa, who already knows what’s about to happen and is looking back at Clarke, giving her a sad smile._

 

_When Clarke looks at Bellamy again, he’s holding a black box. He opens it slowly and kneels down. “And I don’t want to stop. Will you marry me, Clarke?”_

  


Oh shit. Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath, not knowing what to do. She knows she can’t say yes. She has to be fair. Fair to Bellamy, to Lexa, to herself, but she can’t say anything. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

 

“Clarke?” Bellamy asks, looking both worried and impatient. “Is everything okay?”

 

Clarke closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She feels like crying. She doesn’t deserve Bellamy. He loves her and he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with her, and she cheated on him. She’s an idiot, and she doesn’t deserve him.

 

“Clarke-“ He starts again, but she interrupts. “I’m sorry. I can’t marry you.”

 

She ignores surprised and shocked gasps, focusing her gaze only on her boyfriend who’s still kneeling in front of her.

 

“It’s alright, Clarke. We don’t have to, I can wait. We’ll get married when you’re ready.” He reassures her quickly, standing up.

 

“We will never get married. We have to break up.” Clarke whispers.

 

“Break up?” Bellamy repeats.

 

“I’m sorry, Bell.”

 

He frowns. “But why? I thought you were happy. I thought now that you’re here everything would be fine. What’s going on? You don’t love me anymore?”

 

Clarke looks to her left to see that the small crowd is still watching them curiously. “Can we talk in private?”

 

“No, I asked you a question!” He says, his voice louder than before.

 

The room goes silent, nobody is whispering anymore.

 

“No. I don’t love you anymore.” She admits with tears in her eyes. She hates that she has to hurt him like this, but she can’t lie to him anymore. She might not be in love with him, but he’s still one of her best friends.

 

He laughs humorlessly and looks around the gallery. He doesn’t notice that Lincoln and Raven are trying to make others leave to give Clarke and Bellamy some privacy. Only Octavia, Lexa, and Cage, who’s smirking triumphantly, don’t move. Bellamy shakes his head, as if he doesn’t believe it’s really happening.

 

“Okay. I- uh, I have to go.” Even though he’s on the verge of tears he’s still trying to smile, trying to hide how hurt he is.

 

“Bellamy-“ Clarke says, trying to stop him.

 

“No, it’s fine. I just- bye, Clarke.” He leaves quickly, without turning back.

 

She turns away from where he was standing a minute ago to find Lexa’s gaze. She’s looking back at her, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. When she notices fresh tears on Clarke’s cheeks, she closes the distance between them and takes her hand.

 

“Let’s get out of here.”

 

* * *

 

“Why did you do that?” Lexa whispers. They didn’t really know where to go, so they ended up going to the workshop. It’s been empty since Lexa moved back to her mom’s house. They’re cuddling on the mattress, Lexa’s front to Clarke’s back, her hand on the blonde’s waist. “I thought you loved him.”

 

“You know why.” Clarke answers quietly. “I can’t love him.”

 

“Why not? He’s good for you.”

 

“We talked about this, Lexa. Would you want me to marry him?” The blonde asks.

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

Clarke shakes her head slightly. “I wouldn’t be happy if I married him.”

 

“Why not?” Lexa asks again.

 

“You know why.” Clarke repeats. She takes a deep breath. “I cheated on him.”

 

“I’m really sorry about that. I shouldn’t have.” Lexa pulls away slightly, but Clarke grabs her hand to keep her in place.

 

“Shouldn’t have what?” Clarke asks, closing her eyes.

 

Lexa intertwines her fingers with Clarke’s. “I shouldn’t have- you know.”

 

“I told you, Lex. I wanted it. I still do.”

 

When Lexa doesn’t say anything Clarke asks. “How do you feel?”

 

Lexa frowns. “I’m okay. Still a little shocked, but-”

 

“It’s not what I meant.” Clarke interrupts. “Are you sure you didn’t use before coming to the gallery?”

 

Lexa huffs. “Of course I didn’t. I promised, didn’t I?”

 

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.” Clarke says, sheepishly. “I just thought you’d look worse than that.”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. “Can we talk about something else? It’s easier when we don’t talk about it.”

 

“Sure, sorry.” Clarke apologizes.

 

“I think I’ll need to use tomorrow. Is that okay?” Lexa asks.

 

“I want you to stop using, but I don’t want you to do this because I told you to. I want it to be your decision.”

 

“I will. Soon. I promise, I’ll stop doing drugs.” Lexa says.

 

“Okay.” Clarke nods.

 

“So you don’t regret it?” Lexa asks shyly and Clarke chuckles.

 

“I don’t. I loved it.” She admits.

 

Lexa kisses her neck softly and Clarke feels her smile against it. “So did I.”

 

“We both enjoyed it, so we should make sure it happens again. What do you think?” Clarke whispers and faces Lexa, who’s still smiling. The blonde doesn’t wait for her to answer. She leans in to kiss Lexa, but the door opens abruptly and they separate quickly.

 

“What the fuck, Clarke?” They hear Octavia’s angry voice. She’s gets inside, Lincoln right behind her.

 

“I’m sorry, she made me bring her here.” Lincoln says quickly, but the girls all ignore him.

 

“How could you do that to Bellamy?! He fucking loves you, he asked you to marry him, and you- you’re cheating on him?! With her?!”

 

Clarke stands up quickly and takes a step forward. “O, please calm down.”

 

“Calm down?! Are you fucking serious?! How long have you been cheating on him?” Octavia asks with a clenched jaw.

 

Clarke visibly gulps. “We kissed a few weeks ago for the first time.” Clarke admits quietly. “We- we had sex for the first time today.”

  
“And was that before or after my brother proposed?”

 

“Octavia-” Lexa starts, getting up slowly.

 

“Shut up!” Octavia snaps and Lexa flinches. “Answer me!”

 

“Before.” Clarke admits, ashamed. She knows she fucked up and Octavia is right to be mad at her.

 

The room gets silent. Lexa and Lincoln are watching the two girls quietly.

 

Finally Octavia shakes her head, laughing heartlessly. “You both disgust me.” She says, looking at Clarke and then at Lexa. “Stay away from us.” She spats, turns away, and leaves Clarke, Lexa, and Lincoln frozen in shock.

 

* * *

 

In Washington, Carl Emerson turns his laptop on, getting ready for work. It’s late and he’s not in the office, but he needs to find something to write about. He doesn’t want to get fired after 2 months of working, he’s worked too hard for that. Working for a tabloid isn’t exactly what he dreamed of as a child, but it’s a great opportunity for a young journalist like Carl.

 

He only needs something to write about.

 

“Okay, whose life should I ruin this time?” He asks himself.

 

His phone starts beeping. He picks it up and he immediately knows that Cage Wallace will answer this question.

 

“What do you have for me, Cage?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, over 600 kudos? I think this fic is doing good, for my first one. Thanks for reading, for all those kudos, and for leaving comments, it means a lot.

“Fuck, Clarke, what do we do now?” Lexa hasn’t stopped pacing around the since Octavia left. Lincoln followed the younger brunette few minutes later. “She’s gonna tell everyone, I’m sure. What if they hate you? And it’s all my fault?”

 

“Lexa-” Clarke starts, but Lexa won’t let her interrupt.

 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry I ruined everything.”

 

“Lexa, you didn’t-”

 

“Don’t try to-”

 

“Lexa, no,” Clarke says, raising her voice a bit. Lexa finally stops. “I won’t let you take the blame.” Lexa opens her mouth to say something, but Clarke silences her again. “It was my fault. I’m the one who cheated on him. I’m the one who lied to him. I kissed you. I-”

 

“Clarke-” Lexa starts with a pleading tone.

 

“You can’t blame yourself for everything.” Lexa sighs. Clarke takes another step and gently takes Lexa’s hand.

 

“But what if Octavia-”

 

“Then I will face the consequences,” Clarke says.

 

“We will,” Lexa corrects her.

 

“Bellamy wasn’t your boyfriend.”

 

“No, but if I remember correctly I fucked his girlfriend. I think I should at least apologize.”

 

Clarke sighs and lets go of Lexa’s hand. “No.”

 

“Why not?” Lexa asks, surprised.

 

“I don’t want you to talk to him.”

 

“But-”

 

“Lexa, no. Let me deal with this.” Clarke interrupts her again.

 

“I don’t understand.” Lexa admits with a frown.

 

“You don’t have to.” Clarke says and quickly leaves without turning around, leaving shocked Lexa alone.

 

* * *

 

Clarke knows where to find Octavia. Their friends would always make fun of Bellamy, but the truth is Octavia is just as overprotective as her older brother. Octavia has probably already told Bellamy everything, but Clarke doesn’t blame her. She doesn’t have a right to do that - Bellamy deserves to know about Lexa and her. She feels guilty, because she isn’t the one who told him the truth.

 

She has to do this alone. She is too worried Bellamy would try to harm Lexa in any way to let the brunette talk to him. She knows him. He won’t let it go that easily.

 

She wants to come in without knocking, she still lives there after all, but decides not to. She wants to give him a choice, he doesn’t have to talk to her, if he doesn’t feel like it. She knocks instead.

 

It’s Octavia who opens the door.

 

“What do you want?” Octavia asks coldly. She doesn’t let the blonde inside.

 

“I wanna talk to Bellamy.”

 

“You now want to talk to him?” Octavia says, her tone harsh.

 

“Octavia, please, let me talk to him.”

 

“O, let her pass.” Bellamy’s standing right behind his younger sister.

 

Octavia finally moves, so Clarke can get inside. Bellamy sits down on the large couch in the living room, his gaze hardens as he watches Clarke.

 

“Tell me, Clarke, did you have fun at Lexa’s?” He asks, looking almost amused, but Clarke knows it’s just his defence mechanism.

 

“Bellamy, look-” She starts, but he interrupts her.

 

“No. You’ll listen to what I have to say and you will answer my questions.”

 

“Okay.” She answers. She doesn’t sit down next to him. They’re alone, Octavia decided to give them some space and leave the apartment. Clarke is grateful for that.

 

“How long?” He finally asks, after a few minutes.

 

“She- we kissed for the first time that day when you apologized for your behavior.” Clarke admits. Telling him the truth is the best she can do.

 

“How many times did you fuck her?”

 

“Once.”

 

“Sure.” He clenches his jaw. “I apologized. I felt bad for not trusting you and for treating her like shit. And you’re telling me I was right the whole time? I believed you when you said she was a good person and you’re telling me she’s been fucking you for weeks?”

 

“I told you we-” Clarke lets out a sigh.

 

“I don’t give a shit, Clarke. Is this why you didn’t want to have sex with me? Because she kept you satisfied?”

 

“We didn’t- we did that once. Last night.”

 

“Are you in love with her?”

 

Clarke doesn’t know what to say, but for Bellamy her silence is enough.

 

“You really did fall for her, didn’t you?” He laughs, but his laugh is so cold she actually flinches. He doesn’t notice that. “Did she say it back? No, wait. Was she high when she said that?”

 

“Mind your own business.” Clarke snaps.

 

“You didn’t tell her, did you? You’re scared she’s only using you for money?” He grins.

 

“She’s never asked me for anything.” Clarke says harshly. She’s already tired of talking to him, but she doesn’t leave. He’s right to treat her like this.

 

“Okay, you know what? I don’t care what you do. If you want to let her ruin your life, it’s your choice.” His wicked smile fades.

 

“You know nothing about her.” Clarke hisses with a clenched jaw.

 

“She’s an addict. She’ll always choose drugs. It’s not like I care, you’re both lying bitches anyways.”

 

“I know you’re angry and you’re right. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I should’ve told you right after it happened for the first time. I don’t know why I didn’t. I’m sorry.” She takes a step closer, but stops when he sends her a glare.

 

“I don’t care how sorry you are. I don’t want to see you ever again.” He tells her in a low tone.

 

“You won’t,” the blonde assures him.

 

“Your suitcase is in the kitchen. All your things are already there.”

 

“Thanks,” she nods.

 

“Get out.”

 

And that’s what Clarke does.

 

* * *

 

Clarke leaves her suitcase in the workshop, but Lexa isn’t there. She decides to go grocery shopping, hoping the brunette will be there when Clarke is back. She wants to apologize. She hates arguing with Lexa, even though it wasn’t really an argument. She’s going to get her her favorite candy and they’ll eat all of it while watching a movie. Clarke is excited, because they hardly ever get to do something so domestic. It feels like they are a real couple. As if she isn’t going back to her father’s old place, to a girl that isn’t even her girlfriend.

 

When she’s back, Lexa is indeed waiting for her, sitting on her mattress.

 

“Hey, Lex.”

 

Lexa doesn’t react, it seems as if she haven’t noticed Clarke’s presence yet.

 

“Lexa?”

 

The other girl finally looks up and Clarke sighs.

 

So much for a movie night.

 

“You did that, didn’t you?” Of course she did.

 

Lexa doesn’t even bother to hide it, she simply nods. She slowly lies down on the mattress. Clarke takes a few steps closer, bends over, and cups Lexa’s cheek.

 

“Try to rest, Lex.” She kisses the brunette’s forehead. She feels a little disappointed. She knows it’s stupid, Lexa told her the night before she’d do this, but she can’t help it.

“This was the last time, Clarke. I swear.” Lexa mumbles and Clarke thinks she has no reason not to trust her.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Cuddle me?” Lexa almost begs.

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke doesn’t know how she managed to fall asleep, but she did at some point. She’s still holding Lexa, the brunette’s back to her front, who is still asleep. Clarke is sure she’ll never not be surprised how young Lexa looks in her sleep. Like she’s the purest thing in the universe.

 

She doesn’t want to wake her up, so the blonde reaches to her pocket to find her phone. She decides to text Raven.

 

_4:31 PM_

_Clarke: hey did you talk to octavia_

 

Raven replies almost immediately.

 

_4:32 PM_

_Raven: yep. lmao girl when i told you to go with it i_

_thought you’d wait more than 30 minutes._

 

_4:33 PM_

_Clarke: youre not mad?_

 

_4:33 PM_

_Raven: damn right i am. you fucked up. but this is_

_between u and bell._

 

_4:34 PM_

_Raven: it was your choice._

 

_4:34 PM_

_Raven: does she make you happy?_

 

_4:36 PM_

_Clarke: i dont think ive been this happy in years tbh_

 

_4:37 PM_

_Raven: and i want you to be happy. if you need her to_

_be happy, i’m fine with it_

 

_4:37 PM_

_Raven: i mean it’s gonna suck because i’ll probably have to_

_choose between you and bell but i’m still happy for you_

 

_4:38 PM_

_Clarke: im sorry i put you in this situation._

 

_4:38 PM_

_Clarke: ive never wanted this to happen_

 

_4:38 PM_

_Clarke: i just wanted to help lexa_

 

_4:39 PM_

_Clarke: i didnt mean to fall in love with her_

 

_4:41 PM_

_Raven: i know you didn’t. but i’m still here for you, ok? and_

_don’t worry about me and the blakes_

 

_4:43 PM_

_Clarke: thank you_

 

_4:43 PM_

_Raven: don’t thank me. I’m still gonna kick your ass._

 

Clarke snorts quietly.

 

_4:44 PM_

_Clarke: and thanks for that too_

 

_4:46 PM_

_Raven: just be careful. Okay?_

 

_4:47 PM_

_Raven: I know she isn’t a bad person, but i don’t want her to hurt you_

 

_4:47 PM_

_Clarke: i will. Thanks_

 

_4:49 PM_

_Clarke: love you_

 

_4:50 PM_

_Raven: i know ;)_

 

Clarke laughs again, careful not to wake Lexa up, who is still peacefully napping in her arms.

 

She decides to send Lincoln a quick text as well, to let him know they’re both fine. When she’s done, she feels Lexa move in her arms.

 

“Lex?” Clarke asks quietly, but Lexa doesn’t answer. Clarke thinks the brunette is still sleeping when she hears a quiet groan.

 

“How do you feel?” Clarke whispers and kisses Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“Like shit,” Lexa mumbles. She slowly turns over to face Clarke. “I’m sorry.”

 

“We should talk.”

 

Lexa immediately stiffens, but relaxes when Clarke places a small kiss on the brunette’s clenched jaw. “Okay.”

 

“Did you mean it?” Clarke asks and Lexa frowns, not sure what the blonde is talking about. “When you said you were gonna quit?”

 

“I did,” Lexa reassures her. “I mean, I think I can try.”

 

Clarke raises her eyebrow. “You think? You promised.”

 

“I was high when I said that.”

 

“So you’re not gonna do that?” Clarke raises her voice.

 

“I didn’t say that. It’s just- it’s not gonna be easy.” Lexa whispers.

 

“I know. And I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

 

“It’s okay, you’re right to be angry.”

 

The brunette leans closer and kisses Clarke’s lips softly.

 

“No, I don’t. I should’ve known it would be hard for you. I want to support you, not to make it all worse.”

 

“I’ve tried so many times, you know? It never worked. It just seemed to be pointless.”

 

“Would it be pointless now?” Clarke asks quietly, studying Lexa’s face.

 

The brunette thinks about it for a moment. “No. This time I wouldn’t be alone in this.”  



	12. Chapter 12

Clarke abruptly wakes up a few hours later, even though she doesn’t remember falling asleep. It’s already dark. She blinks a few times and turns to her right, where she finds Lexa, who seems to be sleeping. She smiles softly at the other girl and leans over her to grab her phone from the floor. When her body touches the brunette’s, she notices Lexa is slightly shaking.

 

“Lex?” She asks quietly, “are you okay?”

 

“Yes, I’m fine,” Lexa reassures her quietly and Clarke nearly jumps. She touches the other girl’s forehead. It’s hot and sweaty.

 

“Why didn’t you wake me up? I want to help you,” Clarke says just as quietly.

 

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

 

“Still, you should’ve done that. Do you need anything?”

 

“Just water.”

 

Clarke quickly gets up and turns on the lights. She grabs a bottle of water from a small table in the corner and comes back to bed. She takes a look at the girl lying on the mattress. Lexa is slightly shaking and covered in sweat, her forearms are red from scratching.

 

“Do you want me to help you up?” The blonde asks and Lexa nods weakly. She softly puts her arm around Lexa’s shoulder, trying to hold her head up, so she can drink. It’s not easy, the brunette is too weak to sit straight and Clarke has no choice but to hold her. When she’s done Clarke lays her down slowly and frowns. What is she supposed to do now?

 

“Do you want something to eat?”

 

The brunette moves her head, obviously trying to shake her head. It wasn’t a good idea - she pales even more, trying to get up.

 

“Clarke, I’m gonna-”

 

The blonde immediately realizes what is going on and runs to the small bathroom to find a bowl, but it’s too late - Lexa throws up on the floor.

 

“I’m so sorry, Clarke,” she apologizes when she’s done.

 

“It’s okay, I’ll take care of this.”

 

She goes back to the bathroom and wets two towels. She uses one of them to clean Lexa’s face and leaves it on her forehead and helps Lexa drink water again. Then she cleans the floor, leaving the bowl next to the brunette.

 

“I’m really sorry,” Lexa mumbles.

 

“It’s okay,” she reassures her, as she lies down next to the brunette. She lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder and whispers in her ear, “you’re going to be fine, Lex.”

 

Lexa nods weakly and Clarke kisses her cheek. “I lo-”

 

“No, Clarke, don’t. Not yet,” the brunette says, pulling away a bit to look at Clarke.

 

“Why not? You don’t?”

 

“I do. Damn, Clarke, I really do, but I don’t want you to regret saying it later,” Lexa explains.

 

“I’m not gonna regret it,” Clarke says, “But I’m gonna wait if this is what you want.”

 

“Just- could you stay here with me? It’s gonna be easier when you’re here.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Clarke reassures her. “Do you want me to hold you?” She asks and Lexa nods quickly.

 

They spend a few hours like this, with Clarke occasionally helping Lexa drink and opening or closing the window, because the brunette’s always either too cold or too hot. She keeps telling Lexa to try to sleep a little, but she can’t. Her heart aches for the brunette, she hates seeing Lexa like this. She wants to help, but she doesn’t know how.

 

Clarke has never felt this helpless.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been 2 hours since Clarke woke up and it’s only been getting worse. It isn’t the first time Lexa is trying to quit, so it’s nothing new for her, but it feels just as bad. Everything hurts, she can’t move, she can’t feel straight. All she can think about is leaving this place, finding someone who could help her and shoot up. But she can’t. She can’t disappoint Clarke like this. She promised and she won’t use.

 

Another 2 hours later and it’s gotten worse than before. She doesn’t know where she is anymore, she’s barely aware of Clarke’s presence, even though the other girl keeps asking her if she needs anything. She never answers. All Lexa needs is for Clarke to leave her alone so she can die in peace. And Lexa is sure it will kill her this time. She won’t survive this. If she was strong enough to get up, she would probably kill herself before the withdrawal does. Maybe she is already dead, because her body stinks like a rotting flesh. She knows Clarke can feel that and she knows lying next to her can’t be pleasurable, but she’s too tired to apologize for that.

 

Clarke leaves for a couple of minutes and comes back with a bottle of champagne or wine (Lexa isn’t sure) and valium. She immediately takes a handful of pills and drinks the alcohol. It doesn’t make her much better, but it’s better than nothing. She wants to thank Clarke, but again, nothing comes out of her mouth.

 

The next few hours are blurry and Lexa doesn’t remember anything. Perhaps she fell asleep, but she’s not sure. She’s cold again and somehow manages to ask the blonde for another blanket. Clarke carefully wraps her in it and spoons her from behind, even though the smell is even worse than before.

 

The brunette throws up again, Clarke gives her water, the pills, and alcohol. And then again. And again, and again, and again, until she finally manages to fall asleep.

 

Day 2 is harder for her than day 1. She can’t stop coughing and throwing up. It’s pretty much all she does. When the cough gets so bad she can’t breathe, Clarke makes her some tea and it helps a bit.

 

Lexa is sure she won’t make it, she needs to use. She’s ready to give up. She starts begging Clarke to get her some heroin, because she can’t move and she needs it to end finally. She doesn’t need much, she’ll use once. This one last time. It shouldn’t be bad, right? But Clarke doesn’t, she’s deaf to Lexa’s pleading and the brunette is grateful for that.

 

Lincoln visited her at some point. The brunette remembers him telling Clarke that they should take Lexa home, but the blonde argues that Lexa is too weak to move. He eventually agrees. He cups his sister’s cheeks and kisses her forehead before leaving, but his breath and his touch are too warm, and Lexa is hot enough. It only makes Lexa angry. She falls asleep right after he leaves.

 

Lexa wakes up next morning and she feels much better. She finally isn’t too tired to move. She swallows her pills and this time drinks water. She doesn’t throw up that often and she stopped coughing. She even asks Clarke if she could help her take a shower, but Lexa is still too weak to stand on her own. She showers when Lincoln comes over. He holds her still, while Clarke washes her hair and sweaty body. Lincoln again insists on taking Lexa home, but none of them has a car and using public transport wouldn’t end up well. Instead, he gives them clean sheets, cooks a meal for Clarke, and leaves to get more alcohol and valium. Lexa falls asleep again.

 

When she wakes up a few hours later, she finds Clarke sleeping right next to her. Now that she can think straight she realizes, how hard these 3 days must have been for Clarke. It’s been difficult and yet, the blonde is still with her, helping her, taking care of her. Still, Lexa can’t stop wondering if the blonde will eventually give up like Lincoln did.

 

She wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist, hiding her face in the crook of the blonde’s neck. She’s trying not to wake Clarke up, but the blonde does anyways.

 

“Hey,” she mumbles weakly when Clarke opens her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

 

Clarke snorts. “I should be asking you this question. You look like shit.”

 

“Fuck off, I’m still hot as fuck.” Lexa smiles against her shoulder. They haven’t gotten to talk much these days and it’s the first time they talk in three days. “I’m better now.”

 

“Are you still nauseous?”

 

“Not as much as before.”

 

“Are you cold?”

 

“A little, but it’s pretty warm in your arms.” Clarke grins and places a small kiss on her forehead.

 

“How much do you think it’s gonna take?” Clarke asks.

 

“A couple of days. Four, maybe five, but it’s gonna get easier.” Lexa whispers. “You don’t have to be here with me all the time though.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “I want to be here for you, you idiot. I don’t want you to be alone in this.”

 

“Thank you. For everything. I know this isn’t exactly what you signed up for.”

 

“This is exactly what I signed up for. I told you, remember? I want the good things and the bad things.”

 

Lexa sighs. “I’m sorry. I know I stink.”

 

“It’s okay, I got used to it.” Clarke teases and Lexa smiles again.

 

They spend the rest of their day talking. They talk about everything - their dreams, their past, their future. Lexa tells Clarke she wants to get a job and stand on her own legs. She wants to get better and ask Clarke on a date. They talk about it, about their dream first date. They talk for hours, until they both fall asleep again.

 

In the morning, Lexa feels good enough to take a shower again. They shower together. This time Clarke’s help is enough, but Lexa still has to lean on the blonde for support.  They later brush their teeth together and Clarke braids Lexa’s hair. Usually Lexa hates being so dependent on people, but the blonde has never made her feel uncomfortable about it.

 

She later takes some valium again and drinks a whole bottle of wine. She falls asleep after that, but when she wakes up, she can finally eat. She hasn’t eaten in four days, but only manages to eat a handful of corn flakes. It’s not much and she almost throws up again, but it’s a success and it makes Clarke smile.

 

They spend together another two days, when Lincoln finally convinces Clarke to let him take Lexa home. When Lexa tells him that she isn’t going anywhere without Clarke, they both reassure her that the blonde can stay with them. It’s Raven that drives them there. Apparently, Raven doesn’t hate them, and it makes Lexa happy knowing that Clarke didn’t lose all her friends.

 

She falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow, too exhausted to stay awake. Before she falls asleep she feels Clarke lie down next to her on her small bed and the blonde’s arms around her waist.

 

Lexa slowly gets better. She eats more. She is finally able to get up on her own and join her mother, Lincoln, Raven, and Clarke in the kitchen, and eat dinner with them.

 

She still needs valium and alcohol though. She didn’t know where Clarke got the pills until the blonde admits she got in touch with her mother again, even though Abby is mad at her daughter for breaking up with Bellamy. Abby is a doctor and apparently Clarke asked her to check up on Lexa, and she then prescribed valium. Lexa is overwhelmed, because she knows that talking to her mother isn’t easy for Clarke, and it makes her cry. The blonde holds her the whole time.

 

Clarke’s been so good to her and she’s not going to ruin it. She will not hurt Clarke.

 

They have sex for the second time six days after their first time. It's different. They don't fuck, but make love. There's no roughness, no dirty talk. Lexa worships every inch of Clarke's body. She wants to show how much she loves the blonde and how grateful she is. Lexa is still too sensitive and too tired and she doesn’t let Clarke touch her. Instead, she pleasures the blonde with her fingers for hours, until she can't take it anymore and Lexa herself is falling asleep on top of Clarke.

 

* * *

 

 

Abby visits her again a week after she stopped doing drugs. She checks up on Lexa and gives her valium, but not as much as before, saying she doesn’t want the brunette to get addicted. Lexa doesn’t either, so she doesn’t protest. She then joins Clarke in the kitchen without saying goodbye to Lexa.

 

They cuddle on the couch later that day. They’re home alone - Anya went for a walk and Lincoln decided to go out with Raven. They’re watching old disney movies, because Lexa loves those more than anything.

 

The brunette can see that there’s something bothering the blonde, but she doesn’t push, hoping that Clarke will eventually open up to her. And she’s right.

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Yeah?” Lexa mumbles against Clarke’s chest.

 

“My mom- uh, she’s worried.”

 

“Worried?” Lexa frowns.

 

“Well, I kinda told her about us and she wants you- us, actually, to get tested,” Clarke explains sheepishly.

 

Lexa pulls away a bit to look at Clarke. “Tested.”

 

Clarke nods, avoiding the brunette’s gaze.

 

“Okay,” Lexa agrees.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yes. I do that once in a while anyways,” Lexa informs her.

 

“But there’s not any risk that you actually are sick, right?” Clarke asks, carefully.

 

“I don’t think so… I mean I always have clean needles and all that shit.” Lexa thinks for a moment. “Yeah, I should be fine.”

 

“Okay. Thank you,” Clarke says, relieved that Lexa isn’t offended by her request.

 

“It’s okay. If it makes you and your mom less worried. I should be fine to go tomorrow,” Lexa shrugs.

 

Clarke grins and kisses the other girl.

 

* * *

 

 

Lincoln Woods hasn’t been this happy since he got his sister back. Of course, he doesn’t think it’s over and that Lexa really is done with drugs. It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, he’s just trying to be careful, but still, he can’t help but be happy for his sister.

 

It’s Saturday and even though he doesn’t have to get up early, he decides to do so anyways. He quickly dresses up, grabs his wallet, and leaves the house. Lexa should feel good enough to eat something greasy, so he goes to the nearest supermarket to get some pasta. He’ll cook spaghetti for Lexa, because she loves it. He thinks about getting Lexa’s favorite candy, but it might be too much for her stomach, and he’s not going to risk it. They will eat spaghetti and watch movies, just like they used to when they were younger and one of them got sick.

 

He decides to stop by a newsstand and get a newspaper for Lexa. She still reads those, for some reason. What a nerd.

 

He picks Lexa’s favorite magazine when a different title with a huge heading all over its cover catches his attention:

 

AMERICA’S FAVORITE ARTIST SHOCKS AGAIN: CLARKE GRIFFIN LEAVES HER BOYFRIEND FOR A JUNKIE

 

Lincoln can feel himself getting paler. He quickly grabs the tabloid and reads the beginning of the article.

 

_Let’s be honest - Clarke Griffin’s shocking behavior is almost as famous as her paintings. We have already seen her dragging journalists on national television, getting drunk in public, and most recently picking a fight with a fan (the artist claims the fan sexually assaulted her, but an actual proof doesn’t exist). What has she done this time? According to our trusted source, Griffin (25) is cheating on her boyfriend, Bellamy Blake (age unknown; works for Polis Magazine)._

_Apparently, a peaceful life with her loving boyfriend was too boring for her. Her new lover is a girl named Lexa, who has quite a reputation in Polis. We don’t know much about her, but according to our source, she was suspected of murdering her father over a year ago and is a known heroin addict._

_We don’t know when their romance started, but it most certainly happened when Griffin was in a relationship with Blake. Is Lexa the reason why Griffin rejected Bellamy’s proposal during her exhibition? Did Griffin get bored of Blake? Or maybe she wants to show everyone how edgy she is?_

_We will write more about Griffin’s affair tomorrow, so stay tuned!_

Lincoln closes his eyes slowly. This is not gonna end up well.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit, over 700 kudos?! thank you all so much for reading this fic, it means so much to me.

Clarke wakes up with a loud groan. She slowly opens her eyes and blinks a few times, trying to focus her eyes on her phone, which is currently next to her pillow, vibrating loudly. She wants to ignore it, hoping the person will hang up, but she doesn’t want to wake Lexa up, who’s as always peacefully sleeping with her head on Clarke’s chest. She groans again and picks up the phone, not looking at the caller’s id.

 

“This better be important,” she mumbles.

 

_ “Oh, you bet your ass this is important.” _

 

“Bellamy?”

 

_ “Yeah. Bellamy. Your ex boyfriend you apparently got bored of and decided to break up with to show how edgy you are,”  _ he says, his voice cold.

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Clarke asks with a frown.

 

_ “Come on, Clarke. Don’t you think I deserve an apology? How could you play with my feelings like this?” _

 

“Look, I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

_ “I guess I really do mean shit to you.” _

 

“Bellamy, what? Of course not, it’s-”

 

_ “Not that I care about her, but is this all that Lexa is? Does she know why you’re with her?” _

 

“I still have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. And my relationship with Lexa is none of your business.”

 

He laughs dryly.  _ “You know what? Fuck you, Clarke,”  _ he says and hangs up. What the fuck just happened?   


 

“You okay?”

 

Clarke nearly jumps at Lexa’s sleepy voice. “Jesus fuck. You scared me.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. Are you alright though?”

 

“Yeah, it’s just-” she frowns again, remembering her conversation with her ex boyfriend. “Bellamy called. But it was- he kept saying some weird shit.”

 

“‘Weird shit’?”

 

“Yeah,” she says, too focused on thinking about calling Bellamy to give Lexa a proper answer. She sighs, deciding not to call him. He wouldn’t pick up anyways. She places her phone on the bed, next to her pillow, and then glances at Lexa, who’s watching her in silence. Clarke kisses Lexa’s forehead and the brunette smiles softly. “Come on, nerd. I’m hungry, let’s make breakfast.”

 

“But it’s comfy here. Your boobs are comfy.”

 

“Thanks, but I’m hungry. And we have to get up, because we’re going to the park after breakfast.”

 

Lexa lets out a loud whine.

 

* * *

 

_ Hey, Clarke, look! Everyone knows you’re fucking my sister! _

  
No, too harsh.

  
_ Hey, Clarke, you hungry? I kinda am. Have you seen this article about you and Lexa already? Anyways, would you like a sandwich? _

  
Nope.

  
Lincoln enters the kitchen, hoping Clarke and Lexa are still sleeping, so he has a few more minutes to figure out how to tell Clarke about the article. He knows the blonde won’t be happy about it. She hates when tabloids write articles about her and she hates dragging people she cares about into this mess. He needs to tell her about it calmly, so she won’t freak out.

 

Unfortunately for him, the girls are sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. He smiles at them nervously.

 

“You’re up already?” Lexa asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“We need to talk,” he says, not bothering to answer Lexa’s question. The sooner he tells Clarke what happened, the better. Right?

 

“Sure, what’s up?”

 

He doesn’t answer his sister’s question again. He searches his bag for a moment and then hands Clarke the tabloid. “You should read this.”

 

Clarke’s eyes widen when she sees the cover. Lexa watches her curiously before looking at it over Clarke’s shoulder. “What the fuck?”

 

“Who the fuck told them?” Clarke whispers and begins to read the short article quietly. “‘Did Griffin get bored of Blake? Or maybe she wants to show everyone how edgy she is?’ This is what Bellamy was talking about in the morning. He’d seen this article,” she realizes. “‘A girl named Lexa, who has quite a reputation in Polis’?! What the fuck?! How dare they write something like this about you?” She shakes her head in disbelief. “I’m gonna fucking sue them.”

 

“Clarke, calm down, there’s no need.”

 

“No need? Lexa, they had no right-”

 

“Clarke, everything they wrote about me is true. Why would you sue them?”

 

Clarke wants to argue, but she knows that Lexa is right. Instead she sighs and says, “Fuck, Lexa, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault,” Lexa reassures her.

 

“Fuck, they had no right- I’m really sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. I’m not mad at you.”

 

“You’re not?”

 

“Of course not,” she says and kisses Clarke’s cheek softly. “You should talk to Bellamy though.”

 

“You’re right,” she sighs.

 

She grabs her phone from the table. She bites her lip. “I’m only gonna make it worse,” she mutters under her breath, but calls him anyways. She waits a few seconds, but nobody’s picking up. She tries a few more times, but Bellamy is either busy or ignoring her calls.

 

“Send him a text,” Lincoln says.

 

She nods, thinking of what to say. She eventually settles on something short and simple. Bellamy hates her anyways.

 

9:21 AM

Clarke: hey bell. i didn’t know about the article. I just want

to tell you that i’m really sorry. it’s not why i broke up with

you. It just didn’t feel the same anymore. I hope you know

that.

 

9:24 AM

Clarke: take care   


 

“He’ll probably ignore it anyways,” she says, placing her phone on the table.

 

“Just give him time,” Lincoln says. “He knows you, he knows you’re not like that.”

 

“What if he doesn’t? What if he and Octavia will hate me forever?” Clarke asks, her eyes watering. “They’re my best friends, I don’t wanna lose them.”

 

“I don’t know what will happen. But you’ve been friends with them for so long. Give them time and then try to talk to them,” Lincoln answers softly.

 

“You’re right,” Clarke mumbles. Even though she would rather talk to them as soon as possible, she knows he’s right. “I need to call Murphy. He’s probably seen what happened and I bet he’ll try to kick my ass.” Clarke knows Murphy won’t be happy about what the tabloid said about her. He loves attention, but not that kind of attention. She grabs her phone from the table and finds Murphy’s phone number. He picks up almost immediately.

 

“Hey, Murphy, we need to-”

 

“Clarke? I was about to call you. I need your paintings ready as soon as possible.”

 

“I know and I’m- you what?”

 

“Look, I got like fifty emails this morning asking about you.”

 

“Wait, what? Haven’t you read that article yet?”

 

“Clarke, fuck the article,” Murphy says, barely containing his excitement. She hasn’t heard him this happy since- she’s actually never heard him happy. He’s always either grumpy or less grumpy than usually.

 

“I don’t understand,” she whispers with a frown.

 

“Oh, come on. ‘Clarke fuck-everyone-and-everything Griffin is back’, or at least that’s what everyone on twitter is saying. People missed this side of you. They got interested again,” he explains.

 

“But-”

 

“Look. This next event is gonna be a fucking success. Trust me,” he says and pauses for a bit. “Anyways, gotta go. Go, paint some cool shit, Clarke, and make us both rich.” He hangs up.

 

“Wha t did he say?” Lexa asks as soon as Clarke puts her phone in her pocket.

 

“I don’t really understand what’s happening, but apparently people want more paintings,” she explains.

 

“That’s fucking awesome!” Lincoln says with a wide smile, but it quickly disappears. “Wait, why aren’t you happy?”

 

“Murphy said that people had emailed him, because of the article. Because they think I’m some, I don’t know, bitch who uses people for sex or something,” she explains. “This is not who I am. I’m not a fucking celebrity, I’m an artist. I want people to get excited about my paintings. If they care about me only because some shitty tabloid is talking shit about me and people I care about then they can suck my dick. I don’t care about that kinda attention.”

 

“What kinda attention?”

 

They all jump at the sound and turn around to find Raven grinning at them, obviously proud that she managed to scare them.

 

“Raven? How did you get in?” Lexa asks.

 

“Well, there’s this thing you have called door,” Raven explains and Lexa rolls her eyes. “I was gonna visit you yesterday, but I didn’t wanna take that risk. That fucking smell might’ve still been here. I’m glad it disappeared, Woods,” she teases.

 

“Fuck off, Reyes,” Lexa says trying to stop herself from laughing.

 

“Anyways, I hear you’re famous again, Clarke,” Raven says and Clarke groans, hiding her face in her hands. “And because I can see you’re not happy about it, I’m taking you out.”

 

“I don’t feel like it,” Clarke shakes her head. “And I promised Lexa we’d go to the park.”

 

“I don’t wanna go to the park,” Lexa says.

 

“Thanks, Lexa,” Clarke says.

 

“Oh, come on, we haven’t gone out together in years. You have 15 minutes to get ready.”

 

“I’ll need 15 hours to get ready,” Clarke mumbles.

 

“14 minutes.”

 

“Ugh, fine,” Clarke says, getting up. “But you’re buying me food.”

 

“Sure, babe. Now move your sexy ass.”

 

* * *

 

30 minutes later, after Clarke and Raven left, Lincoln finds his sister in her room, lacing her trusty combat boots. “What are you doing?” he asks with a frown.

 

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Lexa answers, not bothering to look up.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“There’s something I need to do.”

 

“How important?”

 

Lexa sighs, knowing he won’t give up easily. “Very important.” She gets up and grabs her hoodie from a chair and puts it on.

 

He nods. “I’m going with you, then.”

 

“No, you’re not.”

 

“Why not?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“You don’t trust me?” she asks, even though she knows the answer. She knows he will never be able to trust her like he used to when they were children and Lexa hates it. She misses what they were and she knows that what she’s doing now isn’t exactly making things better between them, but this is something she has to do. And she has to do this alone. She’s been thinking about this for days, weeks maybe, and now that she finally has a chance to do this, nothing and no one can stop her.

 

“Just tell me where the fuck you’re going,” he says, his voice a bit louder now.

 

“Answer my question.”

 

“I just wanna make sure you won’t fuck this up, Lexa.” His tone is sharp and Lexa knows it’s because he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t trust her.

 

“I won’t,” she reassures him. “Now, I have to go.” She leaves him alone in her bedroom.

 

* * *

 

It took her little over 20 minutes to get here, since she had to walk. She couldn’t ask Lincoln for money to get a bus ticket, because she knows he would immediately assume the worst. So she took a walk, mentally preparing herself for what’s about to happen, for what she has to do. She would lie if she said she wasn’t scared, because, fuck, she’s terrified. She knows how huge the risk is. She knows that this time she will not avoid getting in trouble. But this is something that must be done, even though it means she will fuck her life up again.

 

But knowing that she will finally get the revenge she’s dreamt about is worth it. Yes, maybe she is petty, but the bitch has it coming.

 

She takes a deep breath, hoping he’s home, and finally knocks. Three times.

 

He opens almost immediately, as if he is waiting for someone. She scans the face that appeared in front of her, watching how his expression changes from surprised to angry. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know whether she’s waiting for him to punch her or scream at her. But she’s waiting.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” His voice is cold, but not loud. Not that she’s surprised, he has every right to hate her.

 

She finally sighs and decides to answer his question.

 

“We need to talk, Bellamy.” 


	14. Chapter 14

If somebody saw Lexa right now, they’d think she’s most definitely suicidal. Because how else would you explain the fact, that she willingly went to her girlfriend’s (though she isn’t sure if she can call Clarke that) ex boyfriend, who hates her more than anything, not to mention that he probably wants her dead?

 

Or at least that’s what it looks like, judging by the fact that he’s currently looking at her with hate and disgust.

 

“I don’t wanna talk to you. Leave,” he says even though he’s not even trying to close the door.

 

Lexa sighs. “Can I get inside? We really have to talk.”

 

He snorts. “Oh I don’t know. I wouldn’t want you to steal something, just like you stole my girlfriend.”

 

She almost laughs, because it’s definitely one of the weakest drags she’s ever heard, but it’s not time to act like an asshole. Instead she explains, “you’re right to be mad at me, but there’s this thing you’ll definitely find interesting and you won’t regret it.”

 

“So you’re not here to talk about Clarke?” his expression changes from anger to confusion, but he recovers quickly.

 

“I am. I just want you to listen to what I have to say about Clarke and then I’ll tell you the rest.”

 

“And why would I agree to that?” he asks, raising his eyebrow.

 

“Because you’re a great journalist, who wants to prove everyone he’s more than Clarke Griffin’s ex.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m so glad we did that, Reyes,” Clarke says as she puts her bags on a chair in KFC. They changed their plan - they decided to go shopping first, and then they were too tired to find something better than KFC.

 

“I know, man, I feel like we haven’t seen each other in months,” Raven says, sitting down next to the blonde. “But here we are. Sitting in KFC with bags full of chocolate and gummy bears.”

 

“Normal people, after two hours of shopping, usually have bags full of clothes with them.”

 

“I feel like I’m 13 again. The only difference is that we weren’t here alone when we were 13.”

 

Clarke sighs. “I’m sorry about that.”

 

“About what?” Raven asks with a frown.

 

“Octavia and Bellamy should be here with us.”

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

“Of course it is. You forgot that I broke Bellamy’s heart? Fuck, I cheated on him.”

 

“Okay, maybe it is kinda your fault, but no worries. Everything will be okay,” Raven reassures her.

 

“You lost them because of me too,” Clarke says, suddenly guilty. She hasn’t really thought about how Bellamy and her break up affected Raven and Lincoln, but she finally realizes that it can’t be easy for them either.

 

“We all lost them, but it’s not permanent. They’ll come back.”

 

“I just wish I could talk to them and apologize, you know? I know it wouldn’t make any difference, because I can’t change the past, but I want them to know, you know?”

 

“Yeah. I get it. But I don’t think there’s anything you can say that won’t make things worse.”

 

“I just wanna talk to Bellamy.”

 

* * *

 

“You should talk to Clarke.”

 

Bellamy laughs. He actually laughs. It’s something he hasn’t done since Clarke decided he wasn’t good enough for her. “Why would I? She cheated on me. With you. I don’t wanna talk to neither of you.”

 

“Because I can see that it hurts her almost as much as it hurts you. You’re best friends, for fucks sake.”

 

“And what am I supposed to tell her? ‘I kinda hate you for breaking my heart, but Lexa and you have my blessing?’” he mocks and Lexa tries really hard not to roll her eyes. She fails.

 

“No. Just talk. All of you. You, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Clarke.”

 

“Oh, Lexa wishes we could all get along like we used to in middle school?” he says, his tone still full of sarcasm.

 

“Jesus fuck,” she sighs, closing her eyes for a bit and trying to get more comfortable on Bellamy’s couch. It’s going to take longer than she thought.

 

“How could you do that to me, Lexa?” he whispers so quietly she almost misses his words. “I know I was being a dick to you, but I apologized. Is it some sorta revenge?”

 

“No. Fuck, Bellamy, it’s not. I-” she pauses, trying to find the right words, “I’ve never meant to fall- I’ve never wanted this to happen,” she finishes, hoping he missed her slip.

 

He didn’t.

 

“You fell for her.”

 

“I did,” she finally admits, even though he isn’t expecting her to. It wasn’t a question. She decides to tell him the truth. She owes him that.

 

“Well, I can’t really blame you for that, because she’s amazing, but don’t you think it wasn’t fair?” he asks and Lexa is surprised to hear how soft his voice is. Maybe they have much more in common that she’s thought. Being with Clarke couldn’t have been easy for him. It can’t be, when everyone around treats you like you’re nothing but your famous girlfriend’s boyfriend. Maybe he feels just as worthless as Lexa.

 

“I know it wasn’t. I’ve never thought it would happen. She had a great boyfriend with a job and who had his life together. And me? I’m no one. I’m just a fucking drug addict, I have nothing. She’d have a better life with you.”

 

“So you’re gonna leave her?”

 

“I’m not. She wants me to stay, and so do I. I just know that being with me isn’t easy.”

 

“Yeah. I remember Costia,” he says and she nods.

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, not looking at each other, on the other ends of the couch.

 

“Is she- do you think she’s happy now?” Bellamy finally asks and Lexa turns to face him, trying to find the right words.

 

“I think she’d be much happier if she had you and O back in her life. She misses you.”

 

He thinks about it for a moment before saying, “I’ve always thought Clarke and I were better friends than a couple. Fine. I’ll talk to her.”

 

“Thanks, Bell,” Lexa says, giving him a small smile. He doesn’t smile back.

 

“I still hate you.”

 

“I don’t expect anything less,” she reassures him.

 

“So what’s the other thing you wanted to talk about?”

 

* * *

 

“So how are things between you and Lexa?” Raven asks, trying to change the topic. She doesn’t want to talk about Bellamy and Octavia.

 

“I don’t know, to be honest.”

 

“What do you mean? You’re not there when things are happening?” Raven teases and Clarke punches her shoulder softly.

 

“No, it’s just- I don’t really know what we’re doing,” Clarke explains. “Like, we do all those things that couples do, but I don’t know if we’re dating. I tried to talk to her about feelings once, and she said we should wait with talking about it until she’s worth it.”

 

“Damn, she’s so extra. Would you still like to be with her, though?”

 

“Of course, I would,” she confirms. “Fuck, I think I’m falling in love with her,” Clarke adds.

 

“Wow, no offense but that’s gay,” Raven jokes.   
  
“Yeah, I’m wondering why. It’s not like we’re two girls that are more than friends and are fucking.”   
  
“I know, right? It’s so weird,” she teases, but quickly gets serious again. “Talk to her about it.”

 

“I know I should,” Clarke sighs. She wants to add something, but she feels her phone vibrating in her pocket. She takes it out and swipes to answer the phone call. “Hey, Linc, what’s up?”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, let me get this straight. You have an information about a cop that’s working for some drug dealer and you want me to write an article about it.”

 

“Yes,” Lexa answers with a grin.

 

“Is it even a confirmed information?”

 

“Yes,” she repeats.

 

“And you have a proof?”

 

“No,” she admits.

 

“And it’s gonna put that ‘shit eating and cock sucking filthy bitch back to hell where she belongs’, right?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Alright, let’s do this,” he says confidently.

 

“Really?” she asks, not fully believing that Bellamy would accept her help.

 

“Sure. Damn, you gave me something that will finally help me show my boss I’m actually worth something. So yes.”

 

“Great,” she grins again.

 

“I’ll record everything you say from now on, okay? I will not release this recording, but I’m too lazy to write down every word you say,” he asks, as he unlocks his phone and she nods. “Okay, tell me everything.”

 

“So, the bitch is called Echo Forrester and, as I said, she’s a fucking cunt.”

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean she left and she didn’t wanna tell you where she’s going?” Clarke asks Lincoln who’s pacing around the kitchen.

 

“I asked her and she said there was something she needed to take care of and that it’s none of my business.”

 

Clarke sighs. “Okay, let’s not panic. She’s not a prisoner, she’s allowed to go out.”

 

“Yeah, but why didn’t she tell me where she was going?”

 

“She probably feels like we’re controlling her anyways. Let’s give her some space. Did she say when she’d be back?”

 

“She said she’d be back in an hour.”

 

“See? She’ll probably get home soon,” she says, trying to calm him down.

 

“Clarke, she left three hours ago.”

 

* * *

 

“It’s always been Echo and Gustus, you know? Echo is the dealer. She’s not addicted, she only sells drugs. I have no idea where she gets them from, but I’ve heard her mention some guy named Nyko a few times. I can’t say if he’s supplying her though,” she explains and pauses to take a sip of water Bellamy just gave her. “Anyways, you can say Echo’s the brains. She’s hardly ever involved in anything, at least not personally. She wants everyone to think she has this perfect life, you know? She has this gorgeous apartment downtown, her neighbors are all fucking rich. She never meets her clients there, not even the important ones. Well, except for me, but it’s only because I got really fucking mad at her once and followed her there. Anyways, she always prefers to stay away from all that shit. She has Gustus for that. He’s the muscle. He’s the one who gets drugs from whoever’s supplying her and gives them to her. He’s the one who finds people in clubs and sells them drugs. Echo’s sometimes with him, but hardly ever.”

 

“How do you know all of this?” Bellamy asks curiously.

 

“We got close.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It was because I had nowhere to go. Okay, I still had Lincoln and Costia, but I didn’t really feel like I had them. Or maybe I just didn’t wanna be around them. I don’t know. I just, I kept coming back there. I kept going there not only to buy heroin, but just to hang out with them, I guess. I’d sleep at Gustus’ all the time. Or at Echo’s, after I found out where she lived. I wasn’t really involved in dealing, I was just buying. But it became- it was always us, you know? I was with them all the time and that’s how I know all this shit.”

 

“Okay, but you have to tell me more? There’s hundreds of dealers like this Echo.”

 

“You’re right. But not every dealer is good friends with a very important cop.”

 

“Who’s that cop?”

 

“Alex Murphy.”

 

“Wait, what? John Murphy’s father?” Bellamy’s eyes widen in surprise.

 

“You don’t know what his father’s working on?” she asks with a smirk.

 

“I think John mentioned something about his father working on something drug related, but this is all I know.”

 

“Get ready then, because I have a great story to tell you. The cop that was there before Murphy wasn’t as shady as Alex. He actually thought he could make a difference. Dealers got mad and well, he didn’t get the message and kept arresting people. No wonder nobody’s seen him or his family in 2 years,” she pauses for a bit. “Anyways, this is when Murphy got the job, but he was different. She used it. He became one of her people and she started paying him to keep her people safe.”

 

“But didn’t his boss get mad if there was no results?” Bellamy asks, frowning.

 

“Of course. But Murphy got not only money, she’d sell other dealers out to keep her people safe. That is until she did that with Gustus.”

 

“Gustus? Gustus the friend?”

 

“Yes. She told me she had to do that to protect the rest of us, but she could’ve given Murphy some else, right? There’s lots of dealers that don’t work for her.”

 

He takes a deep breath. “And what do you want me to do with this?”

 

“Dude, I just told you, and you’re a fucking journalist, that one of the most important cops in this town works for probably the most powerful drug dealer in Polis and you don’t know what to do with this? Do you want me to write this fucking article for you?”

 

“No, of course not. I just- I can’t believe it. I can’t believe Murphy’s father would do something like this.”

 

“I don’t know why he did that. Maybe he’s a greedy little bitch. Maybe he was just scared because she’d threatened his family. I have no idea. It’s just- Murphy probably isn’t the only one there. There’s probably more cops that work for dealers, like Murphy.”

 

“Do you know what it means? If I write something like this… shit, we’ll be fucked. We’ll mess with a fucking gang. We can already book tickets to Mexico.”

 

“I know, I’ve thought about it. But maybe it won’t be this bad.”

 

“Yeah, maybe they’ll just kill us in our sleep,” he mocks.

 

“No, asshole. Not everyone in the business works for Echo. And damn, even those who do work for her would love to get rid of her. She disappears, you get famous, I get my revenge.”

 

“If I find a proof,” he mumbles.

 

“You will. I know that,” she says. “Anyways, I gotta go. I was supposed to be back home like three hours ago. You know where to find me if you need anything.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And Bell? Talk to Clarke,” she says. She gives him a smile and leaves.

 

* * *

 

She enters the house 30 minutes later, it took her a bit longer to walk back here. And it’s quiet and dark. Too quiet and too dark, since it wasn’t even 4 pm yet. Are they all sleeping already? She’s grateful for that. She knows she’ll have to deal with Lincoln later, but she doesn’t feel like it now. She’ll talk to him in the morning. She only hopes he didn’t tell Clarke anything.

 

She takes her shoes off and leaves them next to Clarke’s, and goes straight to her bedroom. She slowly opens the door and finds the blonde reading a book on a chair. It can’t be comfortable, but she knows Clarke gets so caught up in reading or drawing sometimes, things like that don’t bother her. Lexa smiles softly at the sight and gets inside, closing the door behind her.

 

“Hey,” she says. She wants to come closer and kiss Clarke, but when the blonde looks up from her book she stops dead in her tracks.

 

“Are you going to tell me where you were or it’s none of my business either?” Clarke asks, her voice cold.

 

“I had something to do,” she answers calmly.

 

“And what was that ‘something?’”

 

“Clarke…”

 

“What, Lexa?” she snaps. When Lexa doesn’t answer she says, “please, tell me you’re not doing this again.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Where did you go, then?”

 

“I told you,” Lexa says with a sigh.

 

“If you didn’t go to get drugs it can’t be that bad, right? Well, unless you’re cheating on me.”

 

_ Cheating on me? _

 

“Wait, so it means we’re like, uh, girlfriends or something?” Lexa asks shyly.

 

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve helped you shower a few times, I think that makes us girlfriends,” Clarke says and Lexa grins, because Clarke can’t be that mad if she just joked. Right? “Don’t try to distract me, though.”

 

“It’s nothing important,” Lexa tries, even though she knows she will tell Clarke the truth.

 

“Lexa.”

 

“Okay. I went to talk to Bellamy.”

 

“You what?” Clarke asks in disbelief.

 

“Yeah. I wanted to apologize. And I wanted him to start talking to you again. Both of them.”

 

“And you’ve been hiding this from me?” Clarke lets out a short laugh, genuinely amused. “Why are you so fucking secretive, Lexa?”

 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t wanna tell you, because I thought you’d think I had no right to talk to him about it.”

 

“You were trying to make things better. I can’t be mad at you for wanting me and my friends to be happy.”

 

“Yeah, I guess you can’t.”

 

“You’re a fucking asshole, did you know that?”

 

“I’ve been told,” she jokes. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t want to worry you.”

 

“Don’t be,” the blonde says softly. “Now come here, you idiot. I wanna make out with my girlfriend.”

 

Lexa grins and closes the distance to kiss Clarke softly. She’s pretty sure it’s the happiest she’s ever been. Clarke wants to be with her, she has her brother back, she’s clean, Echo will soon get what she deserves.

 

What can go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing can go wrong now. right?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much longer than the previous ones, because i'll be busy this week and probably won't have much time to write. I'll do my best to start working on it next week.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

Lexa has met a lot of heroin addicts during those 18 months. Guys and girls. Teenagers and adults. Rich kids, who have everything, and broke adults, that have nothing, but heroin. Adults with money, who finally realize that not everything can be bought with money, and kids, who are slowly becoming aware that their loving families are sometimes not enough. She’s met hundreds of them, and each of them had a different reason to choose addiction.

 

Some of them started using, because they were depressed. They wanted to silence the destructive thoughts in their minds, choosing to destroy their bodies instead. Some were tired of being numb and wanted to feel something. Some wanted to show how “cool” they were, they wanted to show their friends they weren’t losers. And some had no reasons at all.

 

They’re all different, but they all ended up the same.

 

And then there’s Lexa. How did she end up like this? How did she end up in this park again? How did it happen, that she’s here again, trying to find the strength not to break, not to give up, not to disappoint again?

 

She’s always thought it was because of what happened, what she’s done, to her father. She’s always thought that it was because she couldn’t have lived with the guilt, that was eating her alive to the point where she didn’t want to live anymore.

 

But she now knows it wasn’t only that. It was years of living with a monster, years of fearing for her family. Lexa is a little bit overprotective and even as a child it was her mission to keep her family safe and happy. She had to be that person, with her mother too scared to fight back and her brother too young.

 

But what was supposed to be her biggest strength turned out to be her biggest weakness, because it wasn’t killing her father that destroyed her, it was the love that she felt for her mother, her brother, and yes, even her father. She realized that she would’ve dealt with the guilt, but she couldn’t deal with her own family pushing her away.

 

It should be different now, she shouldn’t still feel like this. She should be happy. She has her brother back, her mother still avoids her, but at least she hasn’t kicked her out yet. She has a supportive girlfriend who loves her. Why isn’t she happy?

 

The thing is that drugs don’t make depression disappear, they only silence the feelings. Now they came back full force and it’s getting harder and harder to bury them without using again.

 

 _I won’t disappoint Clarke. I’m not weak_ , she repeats this thought over and over again, hoping it will somehow make it true.

 

* * *

 

When she comes back home it’s still early. She left to the park at 4:40 am, unable to fall asleep after a nightmare she’d had. All she hears is silence, so she assumes everyone is still sleeping. Anya is always sleeping and Lincoln has a day off. He didn’t go to uni, like he had planned, he chose to stay at home and get a job. Lexa can’t help, but feel guilty. Lincoln has always dreamt about being a lawyer and it’s all her, Lexa’s, fault that he didn’t get to make his dream come true.

 

She goes to her bedroom, trying to be as quiet as possible, where she finds Clarke, who’s indeed still sleeping. Lexa snorts at the sight of Clarke cuddling her t-shirt and drooling all over her pillow. She decides to undress and join Clarke, who immediately abandons the t-shirt and presses her front against Lexa’s warm back.

 

“Morning,” Clarke mumbles and Lexa nearly jumps.

 

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Lexa whispers.

 

“I wasn’t really sleeping, I was waiting for you to come back,” the blonde admits and yawns.

 

Lexa shifts so she’s facing Clarke and finds the blonde grinning at her, her eyes still closed. She places a soft kiss in the corner of Clarke’s lips and smiles, when she feels Clarke’s arms move, pulling Lexa closer to her chest.

 

“Where did you go?” the blonde mumbles against Lexa’s lips.

 

“I felt like going for a walk,” Lexa explains. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but Clarke knows Lexa isn’t really telling her the truth.

 

“You know I’m here for you, right?” Clarke says, opening her eyes.

 

“I know, Clarke.”

 

“And you’ll tell me when you’re ready?”

 

Lexa thinks about it. She’s not used to talking about her feelings, but Clarke makes it easy. Clarke makes her feel safe. She nods. “I will.”

 

She knows she should talk to Clarke about this. The reason why Costia left her was because she couldn’t open up to her. Or more like she didn’t want to. Talking about her feelings with Costia made her feel very uncomfortable. Of course, she would answer when Costia asked, but she would never tell her more than few muttered words. And the other girl didn’t push. She knew better than to make Lexa talk to her.

 

The problem was that Lexa wasn’t used to that. She was always the one who had to be strong, for Lincoln and her mother. Someone had to be, someone had to take care of everything. She couldn’t break, she didn’t want to show weakness, so she tried to hide how she felt. She wasn’t used to talking about it and it eventually ruined their relationship.

 

But Lexa doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

 

“It’s just-” she starts, “this whole thing is so weird, you know?”

 

There’s confusion in Clarke’s eyes, but she doesn’t say anything, waiting for Lexa to continue.

 

“I just feel so lost,” Lexa whispers, avoiding looking at her girlfriend. “I don’t know how to explain this. I just feel like this whole thing is just pointless, because I will never get my old life back. I’ve heard what Lincoln says. I know he’s scared I’ll start doing this again and, honestly, I can’t blame him. But it’s always going to be like this. He will never trust me and mom will never forgive me.”

 

She pauses to take a deep breath. “And I’m so scared I’ll disappoint them again. All of you. I’m scared, because I know that every time I do, it’s harder and harder for them to forgive me.” She finally looks up at Clarke. “I don’t want this to happen to us, too.”

 

“You won’t get your old life back.” Lexa finally looks at her with sadness in her eyes. “But it doesn’t mean you can’t start a new one. Forget about the past. I know it’s not easy and I know your family won’t forget about it easily, but it doesn’t mean you can’t try. Show them you’ve changed, show them you’re a better person now,” Clarke explains.

 

“I can’t. How can I be a better person when shooting up is literally all I can think about?” Lexa whispers, hiding her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck.

 

“It’s your actions that make you a good person, Lexa. You feel like using again, but you don’t. You fight against it,” Clarke says softly.

 

“What if I can’t do this without drugs?” Lexa mumbles.

 

“You’re a strong person, Lexa. I know you can.” Clarke kisses the side of Lexa’s head softly.

 

“I’m trying.”

 

“I know. And you’ve been doing pretty well so far,” the blonde reassures her.

 

Lexa seems to be thinking about it, because she doesn’t say anything for a few moments. “I guess.”

 

Clarke squeezes her a bit tighter. “You are. Give yourself some credit.”

 

“Make me,” Lexa says and Clarke understands that Lexa doesn’t feel comfortable talking about this anymore. She raises her eyebrow, barely hiding her amusement.

 

“You really want that?”

 

Lexa raises her head and smirks. “You can try.”

 

This time Clarke smirks mischievously and before Lexa can react, her hands leave Lexa’s back and start tickling her sides.

 

“What the fuck, Clarke? Stop,” Lexa laughs, squirming as Clarke’s fingers torture her mercilessly.

 

“I believe you wanted to tell me something, Woods,” Clarke says, her hands never leaving Lexa’s sides, who’s trying as hard as she can not to laugh.

 

“Okay, okay, I’m doing good. There I said that,” Lexa says quickly, but Clarke doesn’t stop her torture. “Clarke, you promised!” Lexa whines, and Clarke finally stops.

 

“Oh did I?” she jokes. “I’m kidding, come back here.”

 

“I can’t believe Lincoln told you about my weakest spot,” she mumbles against Clarke’s chest and Clarke can’t help but laugh.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” Clarke mumbles when Lexa hands her her shoes. “It’s a terrible idea.”

 

“Why? He invited all of us. If he wants us there, then we should go,” Lexa says, trying to sound convincing. She doesn’t believe it’s a good idea, but it might be the only chance they have to make things right again.

 

They are in Lexa’s bedroom, getting ready for a party. Bellamy called Clarke this morning, saying that they all should talk and invited them to go out together. Clarke immediately agreed, but she can’t help but have second thoughts.

 

“He and Octavia hate us. Bellamy wants to party with his ex and the girl said ex left him for. This is fucked up.”

 

“You forgot about Lincoln and Raven,” Lexa says and Clarke gives her an annoyed glare. “Okay, but look. He gave you a chance. Both of us, actually. We can still make things right.” She pauses. “Or at least you can, because they both hate me.”

 

“They don’t. They wouldn’t have invited you otherwise.”

 

“I guess,” Lexa mumbles. She knows very well that Bellamy still wants her dead and he only invited her, because of the article. She hasn’t told Clarke about it yet, though, so she keeps that thought to herself.

 

“How do I look?” Clarke finally says and Lexa looks up from her shoes to take a look at her girlfriend. Clarke looked absolutely gorgeous in her short black dress, that hugged her curves tightly, making her breasts and full thighs look sexy.

 

Lexa suddenly feels the need to take a cold shower.

 

“Wow, I mean, fuck, Clarke, you look fucking amazing,” Lexa finally manages to say.

 

“Really? I don’t know...” she says and turns away to look at herself in the mirror once again. Lexa can’t help but stare at her ass.

 

“Do you wanna skip the party and have sex with me?” Lexa whispers, her eyes still glued to Clarke’s ass.

 

“And they say romance is dead,” Clarke teases.

 

“Fuck off, I can be romantic if I want to,” Lexa says, rolling her eyes. “In fact, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go on a date with me?”

 

Clarke abruptly turns around to look at her girlfriend.

 

“I just thought it’d be a great idea, because we’re like girlfriends now and we’ve never been on a date,” Lexa rambles, “I mean it’s fine if you don’t want to, I know you’re busy with painting and all. And we live together, we see each other all the time, so maybe there’s no point in going on a date, but, as I said, I just thought-”

 

“Lexa, calm down,” Clarke says, taking a few steps towards her girlfriend. “I would love to go on a date with you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Sure,” the blonde says, as she places her hands on Lexa’s hips, pulling her closer.

 

Lexa rewards her with a huge grin. “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t thank me.” She softly kisses the corner of Lexa’s mouth. “I can’t wait.”

 

“I hope I won’t disappoint,” Lexa says against Clarke’s lips.

 

“You could never disappoint me, Lexa.” She gives the brunette another kiss and pulls away. “We should go party with my ex. I can’t wait.”

 

* * *

 

The party turns out to be more awkward than they thought it would be. During the first hour there was more of Octavia’s angry stares at both Clarke and Lexa and shifting uncomfortably than actual conversation. Even Lincoln and Raven finally gave up on trying to change the mood and left their table to dance. That made Clarke even more uncomfortable.

 

They decide to order beers, hoping alcohol would help them all relax. And it does help a bit, because Lexa decides to break the silence.

 

“I guess we should give you guys some time to talk.”

 

Bellamy seems to be thankful for her words, because he agrees, sounding more eager than he should. “Yes, I mean that’s why we’re all here.”

 

“Let’s leave them alone, Octavia,” Lexa says, grabbing her beer.

 

“Okay. Let me know when you need anything, Bell,” she says. She takes her glass too, but hers is almost empty.

 

He rolls his eyes. “I don’t need your protection, O.”

 

Octavia doesn’t say anything. She gives Clarke a warning glance and leaves, not waiting for Lexa, who gives them a nervous smile and follows.

 

Clarke and Bellamy smile at each other awkwardly.

 

* * *

 

“Octavia, wait,” Lexa shouts, but the other girl ignores her. She tries again. “Shouldn’t we talk?”

 

“Talk?” Octavia finally stops and turns around. She asks in disbelief, “why would I want to talk to you?”

 

“I just want-”

 

“I don’t give a shit what you want, Lexa,” she says, trying to turn away, but Lexa stops her.

 

“Look, Clarke-”

 

“I don’t give a shit about Clarke either, Lexa. Bellamy can be a dumbass sometimes and he’ll probably forgive her, but I won’t. So, stop trying,” Octavia says and leaves to where Raven and Lincoln are dancing. At least they’re talking again.

 

Lexa sighs, trying to ignore the guilt she feels. It’s her fault Octavia hates Clarke so much. They’ve been friends for so long and then she appeared and ruined everything. Ruining her friend’s lives is the only thing she seems to be good at lately.

 

She drinks the rest of her beer and moves to order another one. She wants to get as drunk as she can to survive this night. Not only because of how uncomfortable this situation is for all of them, but mostly because she would rather use her money to buy something else. She’s in a club full of young people. She knows it would be hard to get heroin in this club, but she wouldn’t have any problems with getting some weed.

 

Lexa shakes her head. She searches her pocket for some money, ready to order, but then she thinks about Clarke. It’s more difficult for her than for Lexa and the blonde will need Lexa’s support. She wouldn’t be able to comfort her girlfriend if she got drunk.

 

She puts her money back to her pocket and sits down on an empty bar stool, when she hears a voice.

 

_Her voice._

 

“Lexa?”

 

* * *

 

“Was it me, Clarke?” Bellamy asks quietly. “Was it something I’d done?”

 

“No, Bell. Fuck,” she swears. “It was all my fault. I’m the reason why it all fell apart. You were perfect, it’s just-”

 

“I wasn’t her?” he asks, raising his head slightly to meet her watering eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” she simply says. She can’t bring herself to tell him that he wasn’t enough for her anymore.

 

“I was so angry at you. Both of you,” he says quietly, and Clarke can barely hear his words.

 

“You were- you are right to be mad at us, Bellamy.”

 

“But then she visited me, you know?” he continues, as if he didn’t hear her, “and we talked. And she didn’t, not even once, asked me to forgive her. She apologized, she said she was sorry, but she didn’t beg me to forgive her. She wanted me to forgive you. I thought it was weird, because we were sorta friends before you came back. So I told her I’d talk to you and I told her it didn’t change the fact I hated her.” His gaze drops to his glass, still full of beer. “And I thought what if this was the reason why you chose her? That she was a better person than I was? And then I realized she really is a better person. I spent so many months talking shit about her and she turned out to be better than me.”

 

Clarke watches him in silence, not sure what to say, so she waits for him to continue.

 

He takes a sip of his beer and looks at her again. “If it’s true, how can I hate you for choosing her?”

 

“You’re not a bad person, Bellamy,” she says. “Don’t compare yourself to her, because you’re different people. You’re both good, but you’re good for different reasons.”

 

“Then why did you choose her?” he asks, quietly.

 

“Nothing I will say will make you feel better, Bell,” she answers.

 

“I don’t want you to make me feel better, I want you to tell me the truth.”

 

“It didn’t feel the same way with you anymore,” she admits. “We were together for over six years and we spent most of them separately. It just didn’t feel like we were together, it felt like we were back to being friends. And then I came back and suddenly it all was supposed to get better, but it got worse. I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do, because Polis didn’t feel like home and DC didn’t feel like home, and I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know who I was.”

 

“Until she appeared.”

 

“Until she appeared,” she agrees. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with her. I just wanted to help her. I knew her for 10 minutes and I already couldn’t look at her hurting herself like this. She reminded me of myself, you know? We were both lost and felt lonely. We just both had different ways to deal with what we felt. She chose heroin, I chose art.” She shakes her head, wishing she didn’t drink all of her beer. “And then I fell for her and I finally felt like I came back home. Even though I knew how wrong it was, even though I knew I’d hurt so many people if I went for it. It felt like a both wrong and right thing to do.”

 

“You must really like her if you were willing to sacrifice our friendship for her,” he notices, bitterly.

 

“I didn’t plan this. I never wanted to have to choose between you guys and her,” she says, a little bit too harshly. “I didn’t want that because I’d always choose you and Octavia’s friendship over her.”

 

“So if we said we’d forgive you if you left her, you would?”

 

Clarke’s heart stops beating for a second. She knows that if she chose her friends, it would destroy both Lexa and her. But Bellamy and Octavia have been her best friends since they were kids. She would do anything for them.

 

“I love you both of you. If that would make you happy and we all would be back to be friends again” she says, her voice breaking.

 

“So you would?” he asks.

 

“Is this what you’re asking me to do?” She feels a tear fall from her eye down her cheek.

 

He stays silent for a moment, simply watching her cry. “I would never do this to you. Not now, when I can see how happy you are with her,” he finally admits and sighs. “I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you, yet. It still hurts. But we’re getting there.”

 

“What about Lexa?” she asks.

 

“She’s a stubborn asshole, but she deserves to be forgiven too. Just... not yet.”

 

Clarke smiles again. “Thank you.”

 

“You wanna join our friends and dance?” Bellamy asks, standing up from his spot.

 

She wipes out the tears from her cheeks and joins him.

 

“I’d love that.”

 

* * *

 

“Costia?” Lexa’s eyes widen in disbelief.

 

She can’t believe she has her ex in front of her again. She has to admit, Costia looks good, much better than the last time Lexa saw her. Her brown curls are messy and her dark skin is covered in sweat, but she looks absolutely amazing in her tight navy blue dress.

 

Costia is beautiful, but, for Lexa, it doesn’t feel the same anymore. She doesn’t feel the familiar butterflies in her stomach at her sight. Seeing Costia doesn’t make her feel as good as it used to. It made her feel bad.

 

Costia’s eyes are as wide as Lexa.

 

“What are you doing here?” Lexa asks. “I thought you left.”

 

“I got a job in Polis and I moved back here last week. I’m having a night out with my friends and um- my girlfriend,” Costia explains, motioning her head towards a group of people.

 

Lexa nods, not bothering to look at them. She doesn’t want to look at her ex and her friends and her _girlfriend_. She again wishes she wasn’t here.

 

“Cool,” she says simply.

 

“Lexa, can we talk?” Costia asks.

 

“We are talking, aren’t we?”

 

Costia takes a deep breath. “I want to apologize.”

 

“Save it,” Lexa says, coldly, trying to ignore the hurt in Costia’s eyes. Trying to ignore the fact that she still cares about the other girl’s well-being, even though it was Costia who abandoned her.

 

“Okay. I’ll leave you alone,” Costia says, turning away. It’s so typical for Costia to leave when she knew Lexa didn’t feel like talking. She would always make sure Lexa didn’t feel uncomfortable.

 

“Wait,” Lexa stops her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so rude.”

 

“Don’t be, you have every right to be mad at me,” Costia reassures her.

 

“No, I don’t,” Lexa says with a sigh. “I can’t be mad at you for choosing a better life.”

 

Lexa truly believes she has no right to hate Costia. Yes, she’s upset with the other woman for leaving her alone, but she knows she didn’t make being with her easy. Costia was trying to be there for Lexa, to support her. It wasn’t Costia’s fault Lexa pushed her away. She’s always known that it was her fault, even though it was easier to blame Costia, when she felt nothing but pain and loneliness.

 

“I should’ve been there for you. You needed me,” Costia says and Lexa knows that Costia feels as about for leaving as Lexa.

 

“I did, but you couldn’t have helped me,” Lexa admits. “I don’t think I would’ve let you help me.”

 

“Still. I should’ve stayed.”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “It’s not important anymore.”

 

“Yes, it is,” Costia says. “Do you think you could ever forgive me? We don’t have to be best friends or anything, I just don’t want to be back here knowing that you still hate me.”

 

Lexa chuckles bitterly. “You see that blonde dancing over there? With Lincoln?” Costia nods. “This is Clarke.”

 

“Wait, Bellamy’s Clarke?” Costia asks, frowning.

 

“Not anymore,” she explains. “They broke up and I might’ve been the reason why.”

 

“You stole Bellamy’s girlfriend?!” Costia asks, her eyes widening.

 

“I guess you can say that. Anyways, we’re here because Clarke wanted to talk to him and apologize. Isn’t it ironic?” She turns back to face Costia. “It would be a bit hypocritical of me if I said I wouldn’t forgive you.”

 

“It doesn’t matter, Lexa. I want you to forgive me only if you feel this is a right thing to do,” Costia says, touching Lexa’s forearm softly.

 

“That’s exactly how I feel. I want us both to be able to move on with our lives,” Lexa says, ignoring the feeling of Costia’s warm hand on her naked skin.

 

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

Lexa nods. “Let me get us a beer. Do you think your friends and your girlfriend will mind if I steal you for a moment?”

 

“They’ll be fine,” Costia says and sits down on an empty stool next to Lexa.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, who’s that girl talking to Lexa?” Clarke asks Lincoln, who is dancing with her right now.

 

He squirms his eyes and looks to where his sister is chatting with a familiar girl.

 

“What the fuck?” he nearly shouts.

 

“What happened? Who is she?” Clarke asks. Is this that Echo girl Lexa mentioned? The drug dealer? Is this why Lincoln looks so shocked?

 

“This is Costia,” he explains, clenching his jaw.

 

“Costia the ex?” Clarke asks with wide eyes.

 

“Costia the ex,” Lincoln confirms.

 

“Do you think we should-” Clarke starts, but Lincoln shakes his head.

 

“No, we should let them talk,” he says, but Clarke doesn’t seem to be sure. “No worries, Clarke. Lexa would never leave you for Costia, she hurt her too much.”

 

Clarke only nods and does nothing more but watches Costia place her hand on her girlfriend’s arm.

 

* * *

 

“So you got a job in Polis, huh?”

 

“I did. I couldn’t get a job I wanted in Seattle, but I’m lowkey glad. I missed being in Polis,” Costia explains and Lexa smiles.

 

“I’m happy for you,” she says sincerely.

 

“And I’m happy for you. You look much better, you have a girlfriend,” Costia says with a grin.

 

“What can I say, I’m a lucky bastard,” Lexa jokes.

 

“You’re not using anymore,” Costia notices.

 

Lexa confirms with a nod and shifts uncomfortably.

 

Costia knows her too well not to know what this means.

 

“You’re doing good, Lexa. Don’t waste it. You’re stronger than this.”

 

“I wish I were,” Lexa almost whispers.

 

“You are,” Costia reassures her. “I thought you would’ve been better off if I’d stayed, but you seem to be doing pretty well without me.”

 

“Why?” Lexa asks with a frown.

 

“I would’ve probably arrested you for your own good.”

 

Lexa chokes on her beer. How could she forget that-

 

“Dating a cop isn’t as cool as everyone thinks,” Costia continues.

 

Lexa grins. “Literally nobody thinks dating a cop is cool.”

 

Costia snorts and takes a sip of her beer.  


“Costia?” Lexa starts with a wicked grin.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Do you know a guy named Alex Murphy?”

 

* * *

 

Clarke, Lincoln, Raven, Octavia, and Bellamy finally find their way back to their table, laughing at a joke Lincoln told them. Clarke knows that even though Bellamy and O are laughing with them, it doesn’t mean that Clarke is forgiven. Still, seeing all her friends laughing together makes her incredibly happy. Like she has them all back.

 

They all sit down and Clarke glances to the bar, but she doesn’t find Lexa and Costia there. ‘They’re probably dancing together,’ she thinks and her jaw clenches clenches at the thought. It’s not that she doesn’t want Lexa to have fun with other people, but she would be much more comfortable if that person wasn’t Lexa’s fucking ex girlfriend.

 

She doesn’t know why she feels so jealous of Costia. It’s not like Lexa has ever betrayed her trust, she’s never seen Lexa flirt with anyone but Clarke herself. Lexa seems to be happy with her. She wouldn’t leave Clarke, right?

 

She finally spots them a few minutes later, moving towards them, Lexa with a grin, Costia with confused look on her face. They finally approach their table. Costia’s arm is too close to Lexa’s, in Clarke’s opinion.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says, her big smile still in place.

 

“Lexa,” Lincoln mocks and Lexa rolls her eyes.

 

“Clarke, this is Costia. Costia, this is Clarke, I told you about her.”

 

“You spent 20 minutes talking only about her,” Costia mutters.

 

Clarke snorts. She can’t help but feel oddly satisfied with Costia’s comment. She also can’t help but feel like Costia is slightly jealous.

 

But, let’s be honest, so is Clarke, who wishes Costia’s arm stopped touching her girlfriend’s arm.

 

“Nice to meet you,” Clarke lies. She wishes it was.

 

“You guys remember each other, right?” Lexa asks and they all nod. “Bellamy, Costia is a cop.”

 

Bellamy’s eyes widen comically. “Really?”

 

“Yes, and guess what? She works with our friend, Alex Murphy,” Lexa explains as if knowing Murphy is the coolest thing in the universe.

 

“Murphy’s father?” Raven asks.

 

“Yes, but I don’t really understand why-” Costia starts, but Bellamy interrupts her.

 

“Great! I’ll need your help,” Bellamy says, standing up. “I’ll explain everything to you, do you think we could meet this week?”

 

“Okay, but-” Costia starts, frowning at Bellamy’s excitement.

 

“Can I give you my phone number? So you can let me know when you’re free?” he asks, eagerly.

 

“Sure,” Costia says, searching her pockets for her phone. “Here it is.”

 

Bellamy quickly types in his phone number and gives the phone back.

 

“Anyways, I should get back to my friends. It was nice to see you again, Lex,” she says and reaches to squeeze Lexa’s hand softly.

 

Lexa seems not to notice, since she responds with nothing but a nod, but Clarke does. ‘She fucking didn’t,’ Clarke thinks, when Costia finally leaves.

 

Lexa ignores the whole thing, because she turns to face Bellamy. “We’ll finally-”

 

“Lexa, let’s dance,” Clarke interrupts her. She grabs her hand and drags her shocked girlfriend towards the restrooms.

 

“Clarke, are you okay?” Lexa seems to be genuinely worried. Good.

 

“Of course, why?” Clarke asks, not bothering to stop.

 

“Because the dancefloor is there…?”

 

“We’re not going to dance now, Lexa,” Clarke says.

 

“Then when are we going?” Lexa asks, but Clarke doesn’t answer.

 

They reach the restrooms and Clarke thanks god that there isn’t anyone outside of them and that there are four separate restrooms. She knocks on the door of one of them and when nobody answers, she opens it and drags Lexa inside.

 

“Clarke, what’s going-” Lexa starts, but Clarke grabs her by her hips, pushes her against the now closed door, and kisses her roughly.

 

Lexa is surprised at first, but she shortly afterwards kisses her girlfriend back, almost as passionately. She quickly puts her hands on Clarke’s shoulders, trying to pull her as close as possible.

 

“I think someone can’t wait til we get home, huh?” Lexa manages to say, but Clarke silences her with another kiss. There’s nothing soft and loving about it. It’s messy, it’s rough, it’s bruising.

 

It’s so fucking hot.

 

Lexa feels herself getting wet, knowing that she’ll soon be the one who needs to go home as soon as possible.

 

Clarke bites her lip hard enough it starts bleeding and Lexa lets out a moan. She doesn’t even try to control the kiss, because she knows she would lose. She learned very quickly that the only way she’s in control is when Clarke actually lets her.

 

Thankfully, the music is so loud that there’s no way anyone outside the restroom could hear her now louder moans. Clarke moves her head down Lexa’s neck, kissing, nipping, leaving bruises. She knows their friends will see them and they will immediately know what they did, but she doesn’t care. She wants Lexa, she wants everyone to know she’s Clarke’s.

 

Clarke loves how sensitive Lexa is. She doesn’t know if it’s her or if it’s because it’s probably been a while since the last time Lexa came, but she doesn’t care. All that matters is that she hasn’t even touched Lexa’s cunt yet, and Lexa is already a whimpering mess.

 

“God, Lexa, you’re so beautiful like this,” Clarke praises between kisses.

 

“Clarke, please,” Lexa whines. She will go crazy if Clarke doesn’t touch her soon.

 

“How long has it been since you came, Lexa?” Clarke asks. Her left hand leaves Lexa’s hip and grabs her breast and squeezes it softly. The feeling of Clarke’s rough lips on her neck and the soft squeeze make Lexa moan again.

 

Lexa opens her mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. Her mind is too clouded, too focused on Clarke’s touch to think straight. When Clarke’s lips leave her neck, she whines.

 

“A few months, probably,” she finally manages to answer, hoping that it will satisfy Clarke and she’ll come back to kissing.

 

But she’s wrong. Clarke slightly pulls away, but only to undo a few buttons of Lexa’s denim shirt, exposing her collarbone. Lexa shivers. The blonde wastes no time and immediately goes back to kissing Lexa’s skin, already covered in a thin layer of sweat. Her left hand travels under Lexa’s shirt, palms her breast again, and starts playing with her nipple, pinching it softly.

 

Lexa would be embarrassed that it takes Clarke so little to make her squirm under the blonde’s touch. She would be if she wasn’t so turned on. It feels like her body is on fire and she can barely breathe. It doesn’t matter, though. Nothing matters, nothing but Clarke’s hands and lips on her body.

 

Lexa is ready to start begging again when Clarke speaks. “I bet you’re already ready for me. And I’ve done nothing but kissed you and touched your boob.”

 

Lexa sees no point in answering, because they both know Lexa is soaked at this point. Instead, she begs, “Clarke, please, fuck me. I can’t take this anymore.” She doesn’t know how she managed to say a sentence this long, but she’s proud of herself.

 

Too bad Clarke completely ignores her.

 

Clarke crushes her lips to Lexa’s, running her hands down Lexa’s sides to squeeze her ass roughly. Lexa would groan, but Clarke swallows every noise she makes. Lexa is grateful for that, because the noises are so loud now, she doubts the music outside is loud enough to make sure nobody will hear them.

 

That is until Clarke pulls back. She looks into Lexa’s eyes, who’s breathing heavily and unable to look away.

 

“Are you wet for me, Lexa?”

 

“I am,” Lexa admits quickly. “Only for you.”

 

Clarke seems to be satisfied with her answer, because she unbuttons and unzips Lexa’s jeans, and Lexa almost whimpers at the sight.

 

“Let’s see if what you said is true, shall we?”

 

Clarke’s hand moves under her underwear and the blonde brushes a finger through Lexa’s folds. Lexa curls her toes, trying to silence her whimpers, but she fails. She’s pretty sure it won’t take much for her to come, but she doesn’t care, not when Clarke starts touching her clit, circling it slowly twice.

 

Only twice, because Clarke removes her hand from Lexa’s underwear. She works on Lexa’s jeans and shirt, so the girl is decent and kisses her softly.

 

“You’re mine, Lex. Only mine,” Clarke whispers in her ear and leaves there a soft kiss. “Come on, Lex, our friends are waiting for us.”

 

She delicately grabs Lexa’s arms to move her from the door. She leaves with a smirk on her face, leaving Lexa, who stares at Clarke with wide eyes, alone.

 

Lexa groans. She’s so aroused, she doesn’t think she can make it home. She thinks about finishing what Clarke started, but something about masturbating in a public place turns her off.

 

Instead, she checks herself in the mirror and, when she’s decent enough, she opens the door of the restroom.

 

She steps out of it only to meet Echo’s brown eyes.

 

“Good evening, Lexa,” Echo says, pushing Lexa back into the small room.

 

Echo locks the door behind them. Lexa simply watches her, trying not to panic. Does Echo know about what she’s doing with Bellamy? Does she know who Costia is and after she saw them together she realized what was going on?

 

“I should get back to my friends,” Lexa says, avoiding Echo’s gaze.

 

“But I’m your friend and I’m here,” Echo says, pretending to be insulted, and Lexa almost snorts. Almost. “We need to talk. I’m here to make you an offer.”

 

“I’m not interested. I’m done with this,” Lexa says, relieved, because Echo apparently doesn’t know about her plan.

 

“I’m sure you will be, Lexa.”

 

“I doubt it,” Lexa says, coolly.

 

“You won’t do anything for your friend, Lexa? Not even for this,” Echo asks as she takes a small package out of her pocket.

 

Lexa swallows loudly.

 

“I need you to get my money for me,” Echo explains. “I’ll give you this now and another one when the job’s done.”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart, trying not to break.

 

_You’re a strong person, Lexa._

 

Echo notices her hesitation and laughs. “Don’t tell me you’re clean?”

 

Lexa clenches her jaw, but doesn’t say anything.

 

“Lexa, we both know you’ll break sooner or later. Why not now, when I can give it to you for free?” Echo asks with a smirk on her face, as she takes a few steps closer to Lexa. She raises her hand with the package to Lexa’s face to make her look at it.

 

“I won’t,” Lexa protests weakly.

 

“Come on, Lex. I know you want it.”

 

“I don’t have any needles,” Lexa says and Echo thinks she won.

 

“I have one, it’s clean,” Echo says and takes it out of her back pocket. “Will you do this one last thing for me, Lexa?”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's a bit late and it's much shorter, but as I said, I was busy with school last week.

Lexa locks the door of the restroom and, for the first time in months, she feels like crying.

 

It’s so easy to pretend she’s doing this only to get close to Echo again. To pretend it’s just to get a proof which would help Bellamy write the article. It’s so easy not to blame herself for breaking again.

 

Except it isn’t.

 

She still has the small bag she got from Echo. It’s weird, how heavy it feels, even though it’s not empty. She wants to get up from the cold floor of the restroom, but she can’t bring herself to do that. Instead, she stares at it with her empty eyes.

 

She loathes heroin for having such a huge power over her, and yet, she can’t help but crave it with every inch of her body. It feels like it’s calling her, begging her to give up, to allow herself to break this one last time.

 

She wishes Clarke was with her.

 

She feels panic rise. What if Clarke finds out that she used again and leaves? She doesn’t want to be all alone again. She loves Clarke. Lexa needs her as much as she needs heroin, but the difference is that Clarke is actually good for her.

 

She wants to be mad at herself for being so dependent on Clarke, but Lexa is tired of that. She is tired of not allowing herself to feel and she is tired of feeling. She is sick of the person she is and she is sick of hating herself.

 

So, for the first time in a while, she lets herself cry.

 

She lets the tears roll down her face, trying not to feel weak for not having any control over her feelings.

 

She feels like this is how it will always be. There will never be a day when she doesn’t feel like using and she knows that. She pretty much ruined her own life and she doesn’t know if she’s strong enough to fix it.   
  


 

* * *

 

If you asked anyone who knew Clarke Griffin what kind of person she was, selfless and caring would probably be the very first things they would say. And they wouldn’t be wrong. Clarke is the kind of person that always makes sure everyone is happy, even though it not necessarily means  _ she  _ is happy as well. She hates seeing people she cares about upset, not only because it makes her sad. Mostly because she thinks everyone deserves to be happy. And she always does her best to make sure everyone is.

 

The only time she didn’t put her friends first and chose her own happiness was when she broke up with Bellamy and still, she couldn’t stand seeing her best friends like this and knowing that it was all her fault. She simply couldn’t be truly happy, even though she probably should be. I mean, she finally got to be with Lexa, she was a successful artist, she still had Raven and Lincoln. But she couldn’t be happy.

 

It’s not that Lexa, Lincoln, and Raven weren’t enough, they were more than that, but she still felt guilty. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Bellamy and Octavia weren’t supposed to hate her and suffer because of her decisions, but they did. And that’s why Clarke wasn’t really happy.

 

But not anymore.

 

Tonight, Clarke Griffin is happy. Tonight, she has not only Lexa, Lincoln, and Raven, but Bellamy and Octavia as well. She can watch them laugh at Raven’s stupid joke together with a huge grin on her face.

 

This is how it’s supposed to be.

 

“Jesus, Clarke, stop thinking about Lexa’s ass for a few minutes and start listening to what we’re talking about,” Raven says with a smirk.

 

Clarke immediately blushes. “I wasn’t thinking about her ass.”

 

“Oh really? Why are you blushing then?” Bellamy smirks.

 

“I’m not,” Clarke says, but her blush only gets darker.

 

“Oh my god, Clarke has a crush on Lexa,” Lincoln teases in high pitched voice, as if he didn’t notice that his sister and Clarke are actually dating.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Can we go back to whatever you were talking about 2 minutes ago?”

  
  
“No,” they all said in unison.

  
  
“You weren’t listening, you were busy thinking about Lexa’s ass,” Octavia smirks.

  
  
“Clarke and Lexa sitting in the tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!” Raven and Lincoln sing, laughing at Clarke’s blush.

 

“Anyways,” Clarke says, trying to ignore her friends, “what’s that thing you need Costia for?”

 

“Lexa didn’t tell you?” Bellamy asks with a frown.

 

“No, she only mentioned some article,” Clarke admits. Lexa indeed told her about her helping Bellamy with something, but that was it.

 

“Just don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s important.” Lincoln and the girls nod. “I’m just writing about that cop that works for Lexa’s ex dealer, Echo,” Bellamy says, deciding that it’s better not to tell his friends who the cop is.

 

“That sounds interesting,” Lincoln says.

 

“And dangerous,” Raven adds, skeptically.

 

“It is, but Lexa says Echo doesn’t exactly have fans among dealers. She says they’d all love to get rid of her.”

 

“But what if Lexa is wrong?” Octavia asks.

 

“I’m not stupid, O. I’ve talked to a few cops and journalists who know Echo and they said pretty much the same thing. I wanna be sure, though, and I wanted to ask Lexa to talk to dealers, but it’s probably not a good idea, now that she’s clean,” Bellamy explains.

 

“I agree, I’d rather have her stay away from dealers,” Lincoln says, nodding.

 

“By the way, where is she?” Raven asks.

 

“She was in one of the restrooms, the last time I saw her,” Clarke says. She gets worried. Why isn’t Lexa back yet? “I’ll go and see if she’s okay.”

 

Clarke gets up and leaves. She walks through the crowd towards the back of the club. She finally reaches the restrooms. She’s surprised that again, nobody’s waiting to get to the toilets.

 

She knocks on the first door on the right.

 

“Lex?” she asks.

 

There’s no answer. If someone was inside, they would answer, right? She tries to open the door, but she finds it closed.

 

“Lexa, are you there? It’s me, Clarke.”

 

She waits a few minutes, but she’s again met with silence. She sighs and turns away, ready to leave and start looking for her girlfriend in the crowd, when the door behind her open slowly and she hears a familiar groan.

 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Lexa, what did you do?” Clarke asks, even though she knows damn well what happened.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa repeats, avoiding Clarke’s gaze.

 

“Why did you do that?” she whispers.

 

Clarke doesn’t want to be mad at Lexa. She doesn’t want to feel disappointed and upset, but she is. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but Lexa was doing so well. She wants to scream at Lexa, to make her explain why she did that. But she doesn’t. She takes a deep breath.

 

“Do you need anything?”

 

“Clarke, I-”

 

“It’s fine, Lexa. Just tell me if you need anything.”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “Just- can you not tell Lincoln about this? He’d get mad.”

 

Clarke sighs. “Okay. I’ll text him that we’re leaving and we’ll go to the workshop, okay?”

 

Lexa nods. Clarke takes her phone out of her pocket and sends a quick text to Lincoln. “Okay, let’s go.”

 

“This was the last time, I promise.”

 

Clarke doesn’t say anything. She wonders if this time Lexa will actually keep her promise.

 

* * *

 

“Did you have fun?” Lexa asks on their way back home, not looking at Clarke.

 

“Yes. Yes, I did,” Clarke answers with something that probably is supposed to be a smile. “Thank you.”

 

“I didn’t do anything. I only ruined your night.”

 

“We wouldn’t have talked if it hadn’t been for you,” Clarke says.

 

Lexa manages to chuckle. “I only told him to talk to you. You did the rest.”

 

“Still, thank you,” Clarke says.

 

Lexa only gives her a nervous smile and nods.

 

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” Clarke asks.

 

“I met Echo,” Lexa explains and Clarke’s eyes widen.

 

“How did she know you were there?”

 

“I don’t know. She wanted to talk.”

 

Clarke doesn’t say anything, waiting for Lexa to continue.

 

“She said she needed me to do something for her. She said she’d give me some heroin if I agreed.”

 

“What was that thing?”

 

“I’m supposed to get her money for her. Someone didn’t pay for drugs and she wants me to make them pay.”

 

“Make them pay? Lexa, you can’t do that!”

 

“I have to.”

 

“She said she’d give you more, didn’t she?” Clarke realizes.

 

“She did, but that’s not the point.”

 

“Are you gonna do that and use again?”

 

“No. I promised,” Lexa answers, shaking her head.

 

“It wasn’t the first time you promised that,” Clarke notes.

 

“I know, I’m sorry. It was the last time.”

 

“Then why are you gonna do this?”

 

“Because I still have to pay for what I used earlier,” Lexa explains.

 

“I’ll give you money to pay her, just don’t do this.”

 

“What? Clarke, no, I can’t take money from you. You’ve done enough for me.”

 

“I just don’t want you to work for her,” Clarke says, slowing down her pace.

 

“I’m not working for her. It’s that one thing I’m supposed to do.”

 

Clarke stops dead in her tracks and that makes Lexa stop as well. “Please, don’t do this.”

 

“You don’t trust me?” Lexa asks, even though, after what she did earlier, she knows the answer.

 

Clarke hesitates. “I do, but I don’t trust her.”

 

Lexa studies Clarke’s face for a moment, clearly surprised. She finally gives her a short nod. “I won’t do this then.”

 

Clarke nods too, not sure if she believes Lexa’s words. She decides to talk about something else.

 

“I’m sorry you had to go there. And for Octavia,” Clarke says.

 

“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault. Besides, I thought it’d be worse.”

 

They finally reach the workshop. Clarke opens the door, lets Lexa in, and locks it behind them. She watches Lexa undress in silence, but doesn’t move to do the same. Instead, she goes to the small bathroom, mumbling something about wanting to shower.

 

She locks the door behind her and sits down on the floor, breathing heavily. She doesn’t know what she wants more right now - to cry or to scream at Lexa. She takes a few calming breaths, hoping this will calm her racing heart.

 

She won’t scream at Lexa, because she knows that this addiction isn’t something Lexa has any control over. She knows that it doesn’t get easier with time. It actually gets worse. And she wants to be here for Lexa to help her with this.

 

She decides she won’t cry either. She decides to take an advice Lexa gave her months ago - she won’t show weakness, not this time. Someone has to be strong, right?

 

She was so happy two hours ago. Is this what her life with Lexa will look like? Few hours of happiness and then back to worrying about Lexa? She’s always known being with Lexa wouldn’t be easy. Even Lexa warned her, this is what she meant when she said that she didn’t want Clarke to tell her she loved her yet. That she didn’t want Clarke to regret it later.

 

Clarke sighs. She could never regret loving Lexa. Even though it’s not easy, she doesn’t regret falling for her, because Clarke has never been happier than when she is with Lexa.

 

But what if it gets worse?

 

Clarke shakes her head. She won’t give up on Lexa. She loves her too much to leave her all alone.

 

She gets up from the cold floor and leaves the bathroom. Lexa is lying on her back on their mattress, staring blankly at the ceiling. Clarke strip down to my underwear and throws them carelessly to the floor. She lies down on her side, next to her girlfriend.

 

Lexa doesn’t do anything. Clarke knows Lexa wants her to make the first move, that she doesn’t want to overstep, so she softly taps Lexa on her shoulder. “Can I?”

 

She can hear Lexa sigh in relief. “Yes.”

 

Clarke moves closer to Lexa and buries her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck. She places a soft kiss and feels Lexa relax even more.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Sure,” Lexa says, worried that this time Clarke will actually scream at her.

 

“Do you hate her?”

 

Lexa frowns, surprised by Clarke’s question. “Who?”

 

“Costia.”

 

Lexa sighs. “No, I don’t hate her, but I don’t love her either. I have no idea how I feel about her.”

 

Clarke takes one of Lexa’s hands and squeezes it softly, encouraging her to speak.

 

“I don’t think I get to be mad at her for leaving,” Lexa admits, quietly.

 

“Of course you do. She left you. You needed her and she left,” Clarke says, raising her eyebrow.

 

“It was different with her than it is with you.”

 

“How is it different? She could’ve stayed and supported you, but she decided to leave.”

 

“I didn’t make it easy, Clarke. I was different back then, you know? I was scared that they all hated me for what I’d done, that they thought I was a bad person, like my mom did. And they’d be right. I’d lie to her about pretty much anything. I’d disappear without telling her anything and then come back a few days later, high as fuck. Or sell our stuff to get drugs.” She swallows her saliva loudly. “I’m not proud of that, but this is the truth.”

 

“Lexa, you needed her help.”

 

“I didn’t want her help,” Lexa says. “I didn’t want anyone’s help. I pushed everyone away. She tried to talk to me and help me, but I just- I wanted her to leave me alone, so I could use and then die. But at the same time, I wanted her to be there for me, because I was worried that I actually would just do drugs until I die. She made a decision and I don’t get to be mad at her for deciding to take care of herself.”

 

“But you loved her, didn’t you? And she just-”

 

“I did. I really did, but she deserved better than a constantly high girlfriend.” To Clarke’s surprise, Lexa suddenly smiles softly. “And it looks like she’s happier without me and I’m happy for her.”

 

“What’s changed? Why is it different with me?”

 

“This time I really want to stop. I know that it doesn’t look like it, especially after what I did earlier, but I really do. I want to get better and have a better life. I want to be able to make you happy. I want to be able to take care of mom, so Lincoln can study without worrying about her. I want to get a job, have a nice apartment where we’d live together, and a dog. I want to move on and be happy.”

 

“You will be. We will be.”

 

“Do you really think so?”

 

“Yes,” Clarke answers and even though she wasn’t so sure about it 30 minutes ago, she is now. “We’ll be okay.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke wakes up a few hours later, with her head still on Lexa’s chest. She opens her eyes slowly, blinks a few times, and looks up to take a look at Lexa’s face, who’s lying with eyes wide open.

 

She’s not sure if the brunette noticed that she isn’t asleep anymore and since she doesn’t want to startle the other girl, she whispers, “Lexa?”

 

Lexa moves her head slightly to her left.

 

“Morning,” she says.

 

“Did you get any sleep?”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “Did I wake you up?”

 

“No, you didn’t,” Clarke reassures her. She kisses Lexa’s jaw softly and lays her head on Lexa’s chest again.

 

“I’m really sorry, Clarke,” Lexa starts. “I know I fucked up again.”

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke shrugs.

 

“No, it’s not. I promised I wouldn’t do that again. I’m sorry.”

 

“It is, really. I mean, you’re gonna try again, aren’t you?” Clarke asks, raising her head again to look into Lexa’s eyes.

 

“I am.”

 

Clarke nods. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m good, just hungry.”

 

Clarke nods and untangles herself from his arms, which makes Lexa whine at the loss. Clarke smiles softly.

 

“I’m gonna go get something to eat. Try to sleep a little,” she says and kisses Lexa’s cheek.

 

She puts her clothes on and decides that she will go get some clothes for herself and her girlfriend from Lexa’s house first. She goes to the bathroom to get ready and when she’s back, Lexa’s already sleeping.

 

Clarke chuckles, gives Lexa another kiss, and leaves.

 

As soon as she closes the door behind her, she searches her pockets for her phone. Once she finds it, she unlocks it, and opens the contacts app, looking for a certain phone number.

 

She waits few seconds and when he picks up, she says, “Bell? I’m sorry I woke you up, but do you have Costia’s phone number? Can you give it to me?”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for a short chapter again, but I want to update today so I can study tomorrow. I'll do my best to update soon.  
> btw, I think there's only gonna be 4, maybe 5 chapters left. I could write a short epilogue if you guys wanted me to, though.  
> thank you for reading :)

Clarke has always liked this café. This isn’t one of those popular cafes downtown, where everyone goes just to be cool. It’s small, it looks pretty ugly, and it’s right next to a funeral home, but Clarke’s thankful for that. It makes it quiet and it looks a bit abandoned, but she loves it. She would come here a lot to draw or just to think before she left. And they make the best coffee she’s ever had.

 

Thankfully, it isn’t far from the workshop either, so she will be done with this before Lexa wakes up.

 

She didn’t think Costia would agree to meet with her, because, honestly, why would she? They barely know each other. But she did, even though Clarke kind of wishes she didn’t.

 

Costia arrives right on time. She scans the place carefully, but it’s not difficult to find Clarke’s face in the non-existent crowd. She smiles softly when she spots Clarke and takes a few step forward to finally sit beside Clarke.

 

“Hey, you wanted to talk?” Costia asks.

 

“Yes. I’m sorry I’m bothering you, I know you’re working,” Clarke honestly says.

 

Costia brushes it off. “It’s fine, I’m on my break anyways,” she explains, with smile still on her face.

 

‘She looks pretty’, Clarke thinks, ‘I’m not surprised Lexa fell for her.’

 

“Would you like some coffee? It’s really good,” Clarke asks, giving Costia a small smile.   


 

“Thank you, maybe next time,” Costia says. “I’m guessing you wanted to talk about Lexa.”

 

Clarke takes a breath. “Yes, I need to talk to you about Lexa.”

 

Costia nods. “She looks happy with you. And she stopped using.”

 

“Right,” Clarke mutters, but she doesn’t correct Costia. She doesn’t have to.

 

“It happens, but she’s strong. If she really wants to, she’ll stop,” Costia reassures her softly.

 

Clarke nods slowly. “This is not why I’m here. I want to know what you’re doing.”

 

“What am I doing?” Costia frowns. “I’m talking to you.”

 

Clarke almost rolls her eyes. “With Lexa.”

 

“Oh. Are you jealous?”

  
Clarke is. Of course she is, but Costia doesn’t have to know that. “No. I just don’t want you to appear in Lexa’s life and then disappear again. That’s why I’m asking. What are your intentions?”

 

Costia sighs. “I don’t want Lexa back. I mean, I love her, but I think we’re better off like this,” she explains. “I didn’t expect to meet her at the party, but we did. We’re talking again, I finally got to apologize, and who knows, maybe we could be friends in the future. That’s all I want from her.”

 

“Just- don’t break her heart again, okay? Even as a friend.”   


 

“I don’t want to hurt her, she deserves to be happy.”

 

“Good. Because I’d have to kick your ass if you hurt her again,” Clarke warns half-jokingly.

 

“You know I’m a cop, right? And that threatening a cop is illegal?” Costia smirks.

 

“What can I say, I like all things illegal,” Clarke jokes.

 

“Is this why you’re dating Lexa?” Costia laughs.

 

“No, I love Lexa,” Clarke admits.

 

Costia smiles softly. “And I’m pretty sure she loves you too.”

 

“I know. I mean, I think she does. I’m just worried.”

 

“You’re worried she won’t stop.”

 

Clarke nods, even though that wasn’t a question. “I’m just mad at myself for thinking it was over already.” Clarke sighs. “She promised.”   


 

“She said she’d stop. She didn’t. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, Clarke.”

 

“But it must be so hard for her, I don’t want to make it worse because I’m upset she didn’t keep her promise.”

 

“Look. I’ve known Lexa for a while and I very quickly learned that talking about feelings is what Lexa both hates and needs the most. So talk to her and be honest with her. It’ll work.”

 

“It didn’t work for you,” Clarke notes.

 

“Yes, but it’s not the same situation.” Costia slowly starts getting up. “I have to go now, but- talk to her, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Clarke nods. “Thank you for coming here. You’re not as bad as I thought.”

 

Costia chuckles. “And you seem to be as cool as Lexa said,” she jokes. “Bye, Clarke.”   


 

* * *

 

  
Lexa only gets 30 minutes of sleep, before she wakes up again. The first thing she notices is that Clarke isn’t back yet. The second thing she notices is familiar nausea in her stomach. She groans, silently praying that the withdrawal won’t be as bad as the last time. She really doesn’t feel like staying in bed for a week again, she has things to do.   


 

Lexa needs a plan. She can’t disappoint Clarke like this again. She knows that Lexa’s actions affected her more than Clarke would like to admit. It worries Lexa, because she doesn’t want Clarke to feel like she has to hide anything from her. She wants Clarke to be as open as she used to be. But first, she needs to show Clarke she still deserves her trust.   


 

She needs a good plan.   


 

She remembers about the old phone in the back of the workshop. She’s wondering why Clarke never disconnected it, but she’s grateful for that. She takes its almost ancient looking handset and calls Clarke, but the blonde doesn’t answer. She leaves her a voicemail saying that she’s going home.   


 

She slowly puts her clothes on, trying not to make any sudden movements that would make her throw up. She leaves the workshop, locking the door behind her.   


 

It takes her much longer to get back to her house than usually, but she finally manages to get there. She opens the door slowly, not really caring if Lincoln will see her like this again. Luckily, her brother isn’t home.   


 

But maybe she is.

 

“Mom? Are you home?” she asks, but nobody answers. “Mom?”

 

She goes to her mother’s room. The door is open, so she doesn’t bother knocking. Instead, she slowly pushes it wide open. Anya is lying on her bed with open eyes, but she obviously just woke up. She yawns and turns her head to check who is in her room.

 

“Hi, Lexa. Do you need anything?” Anya asks. Her question sounds like she genuinely cares about whatever Lexa has to say, but the look of her face betrays that she wants Lexa to leave her alone as soon as possible.

 

Lexa knows that, but chooses to ignore it.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

Anya’s eyes widen slightly. “Of course, what is it?”

 

Lexa sits down on a chair in the corner of Anya’s room.

 

“I think we have a lot to talk about.”

 

“Do we?” Anya asks, but Lexa knows she’s just trying to play dumb so the conversation will end soon.

 

“Yes,” Lexa nods. “I know you hate me for what happened-”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Anya interrupts her quickly, shaking her head.

 

“Mom, please,” Lexa begs silently. “Just listen to what I have to say.”

 

When Anya doesn’t do anything to make her leave, she continues. “I can’t live like this, mom. I don’t want to. I don’t want you to spend all day in your room, because you don’t want to see me. I’m tired of you ignoring me whenever I want to talk. I- I miss you. I miss my mom,” she explains. “I want us to be a family again.”

 

“How can we be a family without your father, Lexa?”

 

“He was an abusive monster who turned our life into a living hell. Did you forget about it already? Did you forget about all those times when he’d just beat us up for no reason?”

  
“Of course I didn’t!” Anya snaps and Lexa tries to suppress a flinch. “I know what he was! I know he was a monster! Do you really think I never wished I were strong enough to protect my own children?! Do you think I don’t hate myself for letting him hurt you?! But Lexa, you killed him!”

 

“I was trying to protect Lincoln,” Lexa says, her voice breaking. “Mom, he had a fucking knife and he wanted to kill you. He was gonna beat the shit out of Lincoln. What was I supposed to do? Let father kill him?”

 

Anya just shakes her head again and looks down. When she looks at Lexa again, her eyes are full of tears. Lexa knows it’s because her mother knows Lexa had no choice, she just isn’t ready to admit it.

 

“I don’t want to have this conversation all over again. But, mom,” Lexa says, as she gets up to sit beside her mother, “our life was ruined enough when he was alive. I don’t want to let him fuck our life up again now that he’s dead.”

 

“I’m sorry I reacted like this. I’m sorry I hated you,” Anya says, sobbing quietly. “It’s my fault that you started doing drugs. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault, it was only my fault. I should’ve been smarter.”

 

“If I supported you-”

 

“Mom, no,” Lexa interrupts. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m quitting.”

 

Anya looks at her skeptically.

 

“This time for real,” Lexa reassures her. “I want to go to rehab.”

 

Anya’s eyes widen comically. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yes. I really want to quit. I wanna get better.”

 

Anya just stares at her daughter for a few minutes, frozen in shock. She always thought it was too late to help Lexa. That her Lexa was gone forever, but she isn’t, her daughter is still here. Her daughter will get better. Her daughter won’t die because of drugs.

 

For the first time in a very long time Anya genuinely smiles. She softly cups her daughter’s cheek, as if she wants to make sure that this is really happening.

 

“Mom?”

 

Anya laughs softly and wraps her Lexa in a tight hug. It takes Lexa a while to realize what is going on, but when she does, she hugs her mother for the first time in almost two years.

 

And it feels wonderful. It’s so good to be in her mother’s arms after so many months of dealing with Anya’s hatred, of avoiding her own mother as much as she could. She feels safe, she feels like nothing bad can happen to her now, because her mother loves her,  her brother loves her, and Clarke loves her too.

 

She got used to feeling lonely, to being all alone. She didn’t think things between Anya and her would get better. She was sure she would die alone. Who would’ve thought that a few months later she’d be hugging her mother and laughing in her arms? Certainly not Lexa. 

 

“I don’t know when, though. I don’t have money to pay for it now,” Lexa mumbles against her mom’s shoulder.

 

“You do. You have your father’s money,” Anya reminds her.

 

Indeed, she still has money she got after her father died, but she could never bring herself to use them, not even to get drugs. It just didn’t feel like a right thing to do, she was the reason her father was dead, after all. And as much as she hated him, the thought of using his money made Lexa sick.

 

“I don’t want to use them. It wouldn’t be fair.”

 

Anya pulls away to look at her daughter. “Use them, Lexa. Use them and get better.”

 

Lexa nods, but they both know she still doesn’t want to do that. She decides to talk about something else. “Does it mean we can be a family like we used to be?”

 

“I think so. We’ll get there, Lexa. We’ll be fine.”

 

Lexa can’t stop herself from grinning. She wants to say something, but that’s when she hears a knock on the door.

 

“I’ll go open the door,” she informs Anya who gives her a smile.

 

“Okay. I’ll take a nap, if you don’t mind.”

 

Lexa just smiles and leaves to open the door. She finally opens it to find Bellamy and Costia standing right in front of her, both wearing matching grins.

 

“Get dressed, Woods, we’re leaving.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for making you wait again, but both work and school have been kicking my ass lately, and I just didn't feel like writing. I feel bad for posting an unedited chapter, but I don't want you to wait any longer, and I actually have to start studying for another exam (again). Let me know what you think!

“So, will you finally explain what we’re doing here?” Lexa impatiently asks. She’s with Bellamy and Costia in his car, and apparently, they’re waiting for someone. Lexa watches curiously every person that passes the car, and, because they’re downtown, there are quite a few of them. However, none of them was the person they were waiting for.

 

“You’ll see,” Bellamy mutters, bored already with Lexa’s constant questions.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes and exhales deeply. She relaxes in the backseat of Bellamy’s car and comes back to watching people around her.

 

Costia turns to look at Bellamy. “Why won’t you just tell her?”

 

Bellamy shrugs. “I like annoying her.”

 

“You must be having the time of your life, then,” Lexa mumbles, which makes Costia chuckle.

 

Bellamy sighs and finally explains, “we’re waiting for Echo.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen and she would stand up if she wasn’t in a car. “Are you crazy? You forgot she’s a drug dealer already? She’s dangerous!”

 

“She won’t see us. You’ll call her to meet here, and you’ll go to meet her.”

 

“Are you crazy?! She wants me dead, I owe her money!” Lexa says, her voice full of panic.

 

“Jesus, calm down. How much?” Bellamy asks, calmly.

 

“I don’t know. 50 bucks, I think?” Lexa says, furrowing her eyebrows.

 

“I’ll give you money, then. Just call her.”

 

“I don’t have a phone.”

 

Bellamy rolls his eyes. “I know. I bought a sim card, you can use it.”

 

“Why do you want me to meet her? Is this some sorta revenge?” Lexa asks both Bellamy and Costia. “You want me dead?”

 

“No, dumbass, you remember the article Bellamy’s working on?” Costia mocks. “We want photos of her.”

 

“And what am I supposed to do? Go and ask her to take a selfie with me?”

 

“Just give her the money, we’ll take a few pics from the car.”

 

Lexa’s eyes get even wider. “You want me to die for a few photos?”

 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Jesus Christ. Just give her money, and if something goes wrong, Costia is still a cop.”

 

Lexa nods, even though she doesn’t fully agree with the plan. It’s stupidly dangerous, and while Lexa doesn’t like unnecessary danger, she must admit she has to do that.

 

She blinks a few times and asks, “what was the point of waiting here then?”

 

“I told you, I like annoying you,” Bellamy smirks.

 

“Fucking asshole,” Lexa mumbles. “Alright, give me the phone.”

 

* * *

 

Probably the only thing Lexa liked about Echo (except for the fact that Echo was Lexa’s dealer) is Echo’s punctuality. She would always arrive exactly on time, which Lexa would appreciate a lot whenever she was in need to get high.

 

But not anymore. Be damned, Echo and your punctuality.

 

10 minutes isn’t enough to calm her nerves down and when it’s time for Echo to arrive, Lexa is pretty much shaking.

 

It feels so much different from all their meetings months ago. The only thing she was worried about back then was whether she had enough money to get heroin or not. Now she’s not only worried about her own life, but Bellamy’s and Costia’s as well.

 

If something goes wrong, if Echo finds out, they will all be fucked. And it will be Lexa’s fault.

 

She glances at a familiar car parked a few meters away. She can’t see Bellamy and Costia from this distance very well, but she knows they’re watching her.

 

She suddenly feels like laughing. She’s helping her ex and her current girlfriend’s ex write an article about her ex drug dealer. This situation would be much funnier, though, if it wasn’t so scary.

 

“You wanted to meet?” Lexa hears a familiar voice behind her and nearly jumps. She didn’t even hear Echo’s footsteps.

 

She slowly turns around to face Echo, who’s wearing her usual smirk on her face.

 

“Yes. I have your money,” Lexa explains and takes a few bills from her back pocket. She hands Echo the bills.

 

Echo takes them and quickly counts them, letting out a cold chuckle when she’s done.

 

“You were supposed to get much more from him, Lexa.”

 

“It’s not from him, it’s from me. It’s for the heroin you gave me at the party,” Lexa explains.

 

Echo frowns. “I don’t want your money, I want his money.”

 

“I’m not doing that job.”

 

Echo stares at her in shock for a minute. “What?”

 

“I’m done with this and this time it’s for real. I don’t want your heroin, I don’t want to work for you,” Lexa says.

 

The dealer quickly replaces the shock on her face with a cocky smirk. “You always say that and you come back a week later.”

 

“Not this time.”

 

“You’re stupid if you think you’ll get clean,” Echo snorts. “I know people like you, I’ve seen hundreds of them. You need drugs.”

 

“Not anymore,” Lexa says, clenching her jaw. She doesn’t like being seen as weak, and this is pretty much what being dependent on drugs is - her another weakness.

 

“Trust me, Lexa, you need them. Your feelings will eat you alive without them,” Echo says, coolly. “But you know what? I know you’ll come back. I’ll be waiting for you to fail again.”

 

“You won’t see me again,” Lexa simply said.

 

“We’ll see,” Echo says, turning around. “You know where to find me,” she says and leaves.

 

Lexa lets out a relieved sigh when Echo disappears. She’s surprised how easy it went. She thought it would get much worse, that Echo wouldn’t let her go this easily. She’s not naive, though, and she wouldn’t be surprised if Echo had something more planned for her, but she’s not too worried about it.

 

She doesn’t come back to the car, in case Echo was watching her. Instead, she walks to a small pub, discreetly checking a few times if she’s being followed. Costia and Bellamy are supposed to be waiting for her and they are, because she immediately spots Costia’s wild hair from the other side of the pub.

 

“You got what you wanted?” she asks, as she approaches their table.

 

“Yes, thanks for that, they’ll help a lot,” Costia says.

 

Lexa nods. “And how’s the article?”

 

Bellamy grins, “Costia helps a lot. I got to talk to a few police officers about it, and their words only confirm what you told us. Looks like Murphy is pretty deep in this shit.”

 

“I found a dealer that works for the police. He probably knows a lot about Echo, so I’m meeting him on thursday,” Costia informs her.

 

“Okay, just be careful,” Lexa says, nodding.

 

“No worries, I’m a cop. I’ll be fine,” Costia says, with that teasing grin Lexa used to love so much, motioning Lexa to sit.

 

Lexa shakes her head. “I should go, Clarke’s probably waiting for me.”

 

“I’ll let you know if there’s any progress then,” Bellamy says.

 

“Alright,” Lexa says. She searches her pockets for Bellamy’s phone, and hands him the device, “I’ll give you your money back next time.”

 

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it,” Bellamy shakes his head.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. See you soon,” Lexa says, and slowly turns away.

 

Bellamy stops her, “hey, Woods?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I still hate you and I still think you’re an ass, but thanks.”

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything, just smiles, and leaves.

 

* * *

 

_ I know you’ll come back. _

 

Echo’s words ring in Lexa’s mind on her way back home, and Lexa isn’t sure how she is supposed to feel about them. She is mad. She wants to stay clean and never touch heroin again, she wants to prove them all that she is strong enough to do that. She wants them to see her get better and feel stupid, because they doubted her.

 

They shouldn’t doubt her. She’s not weak anymore.

 

_ You need drugs. _

 

No, she doesn’t need them. Echo is wrong, Lexa will do without them.

 

But at the same time, she worries that Echo is right.

 

The dealer knows her and people like her. There’s only one way to get better and it’s dying.

 

_ You’re stupid if you think you’ll get clean. _

 

Echo might think she’s stupid for believing that, but Lexa would be more stupid if she didn’t at least try.

 

She has to at least try.

 

* * *

 

After the conversation with Costia, Clarke decides to take a long walk. She knows that Lexa is most definitely already awake and waiting for her, but she needs some time and space to think about the situation she’s in. She thinks about Lexa’s behavior and Costia’s words. She doesn’t want to be mad at Lexa, because she knows it’s hard for Lexa to resist, but at the same time she wants to. She wants Lexa to know how she feels.

 

The thing is, it’s not only about Lexa making promises she can’t keep. Clarke doesn’t know how hard being an addict is, but she knows keeping this promise must be really hard for her girlfriend. She understands that, and that’s why she will continue to support Lexa no matter what.

 

Clarke wants to be sure Lexa wants a future with her. Not with her and with heroin. She wants to know how serious Lexa is about them and about quitting.

 

This is what Clarke is worried the most - that Lexa will just keep promising and then breaking the promises, and Clarke will slowly become the second best.

 

She wants to be here for her girlfriend and help her fight with the addiction, but she can’t do that if there’s no hope. And while Lexa is definitely worth fighting for, Clarke isn’t sure this is how she wants to spend the rest of her life. Those beautiful moments with Lexa, like those sweet kisses Lexa places on her lips every morning, the small smiles she gives her, the sound of Lexa’s laugh, this is exactly what she would always dream about. Though, always worrying about Lexa and being upset that her girlfriend used again isn’t.

 

She unlocks her phone and listens to Lexa’s voice mail once again. It’s just Lexa saying that she was going to go home, but it still makes Clarke smile softly. She loves this voice so much. She loves Lexa so much it hurts. She wishes she could tell Lexa that.

 

* * *

 

Clarke gets to Lexa’s house pretty quickly. Okay, not really, considering that she said she’d get back about two hours ago, but the walk would usually take her a bit longer. She wishes it took much longer, because she knows Lexa is home, and she isn’t exactly ready for the conversation. But she still goes straight to Lexa’s small bedroom, where she finds her girlfriend napping in her tiny bed.

 

She smiles at her girlfriend’s furrowed eyebrows, which make her look like she’s trying to focus on something really hard in her dream. She looks so cute and peaceful like this, Clarke almost forgets what she wanted to talk about in first place.

 

Almost.

 

She decides not to wake Lexa up yet, but she accidentally closes the door a little bit too loudly. Lexa stirs and slowly opens her eyes.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa mumbles sleepily.

 

“How are you feeling, Lex?” Clarke asks, as she sits down next to her girlfriend.

 

“Sleepy,” Lexa says, closing her eyes again. Clarke knows that Lexa will most definitely fall asleep again. That is if Clarke doesn’t do anything about it.

 

“Can we talk?” Clarke quietly asks.

 

Lexa immediately opens her eyes and glances at Clarke. “Sure. Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about too.”

 

“Lexa-” Clarke starts slowly.

 

“Wait, you’re gonna break up with me, aren’t you?” Lexa asks, panicked.

 

“No, dumbass,” Clarke reassures her. “But I do wanna talk about our relationship.”

 

“Okay, what is it then?”

 

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m worried,” Clarke starts. “I’m worried that you’re not serious about us, that you don’t really want to get better, because it feels better than having to deal with your feelings.”

 

“No, Clarke, I promise I’ll-”

 

“I don’t want you to promise, Lexa. I want you to do that. And it’s not about me, I want you to get better because you deserve that. And I want you to be happy, because I love you and I want us to have a happy life together.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen at the confession. She moves so she’s sitting now. “You do?”

 

“Sure I do. I wanted to say it before, remember?”

 

“Yes, but that was before- you know,” Lexa explains.

 

“I still love you, Lexa. You don’t have to say it back yet. But I need to know you’re serious about all of this.”

 

“I am,” Lexa whispers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep that promise. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I was trying. I understand if this is too much, though, and you want to end things.”

 

“End things? I just literally told you I loved you and asked you if you want this relationship as much as I do, and you think I want to end things?” Clarke asks, slightly smiling.

 

“I just wanted to be sure,” Lexa mumbles.

 

“Are you now?”

 

Lexa smiles back. “I am. I do want to be with you, but I’m not ready to say it back yet.”

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke reassures her.

 

“I want to be with you. It’s just, I’m still worried that you will soon decide this is too much for you. I’m scared you’ll get tired of waiting for me. That you will finally realize that I’m not good enough for you and you deserve someone better and leave me. I know you’re not my babysitter or anything, and you don’t owe me anything, but it just would be nice to have your support, you know?”

 

“And you have it.”

 

“I know that, but I don’t want you to feel pressured into being here for me, if this is not what you want.”

 

“I do. Fuck, Lexa, I want to be here for you and support you whenever you need me. I want to make you happy, because you actually are good enough. You’re a wonderful person and you deserve all the best,” Clarke says, taking Lexa’s hand in hers.

 

“If, for some reason, you decide to stay, I want to ask you to wait for me. It’s fine if it’s too much, I-I’d understand if you decided to leave.”

 

“Do you need a break?” Clarke asks, frowning. “Because if you do it’s-”

 

Lexa only shakes her head, interrupting Clarke. “I want to go to rehab.”

 

Clarke blinks a few times, pretty sure she misheard Lexa’s words. “Rehab?”

 

“I told you I was serious about getting better. Do you think it’s a good idea?” Lexa asks, confused about Clarke’s reaction. She thought Clarke would be happy.

 

“Lexa, that’s a great idea. Are you sure about it?” Clarke asks, still not quite believing what she just heard.

 

“I talked to my mom already, and she’s-”

 

Clarke nearly chokes on her own saliva, she’s so shocked. “You talked to Anya about this?”

 

To Clarke’s surprise, Lexa smiles. “Yes. We actually talked and we’re fine now.”

 

Clarke grins and almost jumps at Lexa to hug her. “Fuck, I’m so happy for both of you.”

 

“So am I,” Lexa says, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s body. “I’m glad we finally talked.”

 

“And what did she say?” Clarke asks, barely containing her excitement.

 

“She said she was happy for me.”

 

Clarke pulls away to look at her girlfriend and softly kisses her plump lips. “And I’m happy too.”

 

“That’s good,” Lexa says, leaning forward to kiss Clarke.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Clarke says between Lexa’s soft kisses.

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything, because she doesn’t really know what to say. So she thanks Clarke with kisses, that feel like promises, but this time Clarke knows Lexa will actually keep them.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who passed all her exams and can finally focus on writing again?  
> (me. it's me.)  
> I usually don't write fluff, but i think they both deserve a break, so here it is. fluff.

_A week later._

 

For the first time in weeks, Lexa finally feels like she is getting her life together.

 

Okay, she hasn't really done anything, except for deciding to go to rehab, but it still feels like a huge step. She is finally going to get better. She is going to get clean, and while Lexa knows it's nothing but a declaration, it's enough for her.

 

For now.

 

After she informed Clarke about her plans, she sat down with her girlfriend and the rest of her family ("the rest", because Clarke is her family too) to talk about their future. Lexa briefly explained what she's helping Bellamy and Costia with, and they all agreed, that Lexa should wait with making her plans reality. They didn't avoid any fights, because Lexa insisted on waiting until Echo gets arrested, while Lincoln, who was quite skeptical, wanted Lexa to go as soon as possible, before Lexa changes her mind. Surprisingly though, not only Clarke, but Anya as well, agreed with Lexa. It was a small, meaningless argument, and it didn't stop any of them from reassuring Lexa they were all proud of her.

 

They talked about Lincoln's future as well. Since Anya refused to let Clarke move out ("Clarke, are you crazy? You can't just go and live all alone, you have to stay here."), and Clarke refused to live in Anya's house for free any longer, they calculated that in a few months they should have enough money to let Lincoln go to college. Of course, Clarke offered to pay for it, but they didn't want her money. Anya hasn't had any jobs since Lexa was born, and Lincoln had either summer or part-time jobs since his father died, so the only money the two of them had was those Lincoln's father left. Lexa never helped, even though she felt guilty for leaving her family like this, because she refused to touch what she'd gotten from her father, and if she had money, she would use to pay for drugs. Their situation was hard, because it wasn't just Anya and Lincoln anymore, but two more people. With Clarke and Lexa's help, who decided to find a good job after rehab, because she "didn't study to do nothing, but sit on my ass for the rest of my life", their situation will be much better. Lincoln also wanted Lexa and Clarke to take his bedroom instead, because it's bigger than Lexa's small room, but both girls refused.

 

Her relationship with Clarke has improved since then as well. Lexa knew Clarke was still at least a bit mad at her and made sure to do anything to win her girlfriend's trust back. It hasn't happened yet and Lexa knows she has to work harder, but it doesn’t stop her from trying. Clarke is worth it.

 

Last night, she decided it's finally the time to take Clarke on a date she had promised. She knows she'll need more than a date for Clarke to truly forgive her, though. She had everything planned already, all she was waiting for was the blonde's "yes". And, fortunately, Clarke was up to it.

 

She knew Clarke wasn't in the mood for anything crazy, and, to be honest, she wasn't in the mood either, so she decided to go with cinema and a simple dinner, since it's still too cold for a picnic. Besides, their life is crazy enough without Lexa's wild date ideas.

 

Lexa absolutely hates horrors, but Clarke loves them, so a scary movie was the most obvious choice for Lexa. Even though she was sitting with her eyes closed almost the whole time. That is until Clarke realized Lexa clearly didn't enjoy it as much as she did, and decided to make Lexa feel better with a make out session. Luckily for them, they were sitting in the back, so nobody interrupted them.

 

After the movie, they went back to Lexa's house. Anya and Lincoln weren't home, so they had the whole house to themselves.

 

"God, it smells so good," Clarke nearly moans when she enters the kitchen, where Lexa is finishing preparing the meals. The blonde left her girlfriend only for not more than 5 minutes to quickly slip into something more comfortable, but now that she's back, she realizes that the food is pretty much ready. She hugs Lexa from behind and kisses her neck softly. "You prepared it earlier or someone cooked it for you?"

 

She can't see Lexa's face, but she can pretty much feel Lexa rolling her eyes and smile. "I made most of it this morning, when you were still sleeping. It just has to get warm now."

 

"I didn't know you could cook."

 

"I can't," Lexa admits. "This is my first serious attempt."

 

Clarke's eyes widen.

 

"God, Lexa, none of us can cook, we're gonna starve when we live together," she jokes.

 

Lexa's heart skips a beat.

 

"Oh, so we're gonna live together?" She teases, turning her head to look at her girlfriend.

 

Clarke blushes and hides her face from Lexa's eyes. "Yeah, I mean, if you want to. Not now, but maybe in the future."

 

Lexa turns in Clarke's arms and kisses her cheek softly. "I'd love to, Clarke. When I'm okay."

 

Clarke smiles softly and pulls Lexa into a passionate kiss. They kiss for a few minutes, but Clarke pulls away when it gets too heated.

 

"What about the food?" she mumbles against Lexa's lips.

 

"I don't care, I want you now," Lexa whispers, trying to kiss Clarke again, but Clarke doesn't let her.

 

"Are you trying to stop me from eating your food?" Clarke asks.

 

"My cooking skills may disappoint, my fingers won't," Lexa says with a smirk.

 

"Aren't you too cocky for a bottom?" Clarke teases, kissing Lexa's jaw softly.

 

Lexa scoffs. "Being a bottom doesn't mean I'm bad with my fingers."

 

Clarke places a few more kisses, trying to hide her smirk. "Who would've thought you like not being in control so much?"

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, trying to move her head so she can kiss Clarke, but the blonde pulls away again.

 

"Nice try, but I'm hungry."

 

"Hope we won't die after we eat this," Lexa mumbles. She kisses Clarke's forehead and untangles herself from her arms to finish preparing the meal.

 

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die, Lex," Clarke says, seriously.

 

"Was that- did you really just quote The Smiths?" Lexa asks, mortified. She slowly turns around to look at her girlfriend.

 

"Maybe."

 

"Jesus. What a nerd," Lexa whispers, shaking her head.

 

"Shut up, you love me," Clarke says, before she can catch herself. Once she realizes what she just said, she blushes, and quickly explains, "I'm sorry, I know you're not ready-"

 

"I do," Lexa admits, quietly. "You know I do."

 

"I know," Clarke says, smiling. "I love you, too."

 

"I know," Lexa smirks and jokes, "you're willing to eat my food. If this isn't love, I don't know what is."

 

"The things I do for love," Clarke says, shaking her head dramatically.

 

Lexa laughs. "I thought we could go sit in the living room and watch another movie?"

 

"Admit it, you just wanna watch movies so you don't have to talk to me," Clarke teases.

 

"You wound me," Lexa jokes. "I actually do that for cuddles."

 

Clarke laughs, even though she knows that Lexa wasn't joking. It's surprising, how out of all the things they do, those moments when they can just be wrapped in each other's arms are moments Lexa cherishes the most. Sex or just making out - those things aren't as important to Lexa as simply being in Clarke's arms. Clarke never thought that this tough girl, who she met in the park months ago, wants nothing more than to be held by someone.

 

"Okay. What do you wanna watch?"

 

"I don't know, you choose," Lexa says, as she gets back to making a salad.

 

Clarke laughs. "Do you really trust me with movies after what happened today?"

 

"I chose that movie," Lexa reminds her. "And it was actually pretty good."

 

"You weren't even watching, you were too scared."

 

"I liked the last 20 minutes of it," Lexa says, smirking.

 

"You mean the part when we stopped watching to make out?"

 

"It was great."

 

"I'm glad you liked it," Clarke chuckles. "Are you gonna be alright here? I'll go choose a movie."

 

"It's ready," Lexa says.

 

They take the plates and food, and go to the living room. They sit next to each other, so close, that it will probably make eating uncomfortable, but none of them cares. They both take their plates and stare at them for a moment.

 

"It smells nice," Clarke says, laughing nervously.

 

Lexa bites her lip. "I should probably try it first."

 

Clarke frowns, "you haven't yet? How did you make it without checking if it's good?"

 

"It seemed to be good when I was making it," Lexa explains. She takes a breath and finally tastes the dish.

 

"And? Is it good?" Clarke asks.

 

"It seems to be okay."

 

Clarke shrugs and steals some sauce from Lexa's plate. "Fuck, this is great."

 

"Is it?" Lexa asks, nervously.

 

"It is. You should cook more," Clarke reassures her and Lexa visibly relaxes.

 

"I'm glad you like it," Lexa says, smiling.

 

"It's perfect. Fuck, this date is perfect," Clarke says.

 

"I'm happy you think so," Lexa grins.

 

They finish their meals, and Clarke chooses a movie, while Lexa is washing the dishes.

 

"I could've helped you, you know?" Clarke says once Lexa is back.

 

Lexa shrugs. "I know, but I invited you, it wouldn't be fair."

 

"How romantic of you," Clarke teases.

 

"I know," Lexa winks at her, and Clarke chuckles.

 

"Come here, let's cuddle," Clarke says, as she lies down on the couch and pats the free space in front of her.

 

Lexa grins and quickly joins Clarke. The blonde chuckles again, wraps her arm around her girlfriend, and starts the movie.

 

Lexa snorts. "'Mulan', huh?"

 

"You chose one of my favorite movies, so I thought it would be fair if I chose yours," Clarke explains.

 

Lexa turns her head to look at Clarke. "You’re so cute," she says.

 

"I know," Clarke sighs.

 

"I love you."

 

"I know," Clarke repeats.

 

Lexa chuckles and kisses her softly.

 

"Dork," she says, and goes back to watching the movie.

 

The movie is over soon, but it's okay, because it's not like Clarke was paying any attention to it, too focused on placing soft kisses on Lexa's neck and jaw. She loves Mulan, but, after their kiss in the kitchen, she was too horny to concentrate. She probably should be embarrassed to be this horny after kissing, but they haven't had sex in days, and Clarke's barely alive.

 

"Did you like the movie, Lex?" Clarke asks in a low voice.

 

"Mhm," Lexa says, and sighs, clearly enjoying the attention Clarke has been giving her. She doesn't waste time, she turns over, and presses her lips to Clarke's.

 

Clarke immediately kisses her back and deepens the kiss. She needs Lexa, she can feel her clit throb with every move of Lexa's lips against hers, but she wants it to be different this time. She hasn't made Lexa cum yet, but when she finally will, she wants it to be perfect.

 

That's why when she feels Lexa's hand travel down her body, to where she needs Lexa the most, she stops her.

 

"Lex, wait."

 

Lexa pulls away immediately. "Are you okay?"

 

"I am," Clarke reassures her. "I don't want to fuck you, and not here. I want to make love to you."

 

Lexa doesn't say anything, just places a delicate kiss on Clarke's lips. "Okay, how do you want it then?"

 

"Let's go to our room. Let me make you feel good," Clarke murmurs.

 

"You always make me feel good," Lexa says, quickly.

 

"I want to make you come, Lex."

 

Lexa gulps and blinks a few times.

 

"Let's go," Lexa says. She gets up quickly, grabs Clarke's hand, and pretty much drags her to their bedroom.

 

* * *

 

"This was probably the best date I've ever been on," Clarke admits, breathing heavily.

 

Lexa shrugs, "it was okay."

 

"You're saying you can do better than this?" Clarke chuckles.

 

"I know I can," Lexa jokes.

 

They're holding each other as close as possible, lying in Lexa's favorite position, which is, of course, with her head on Clarke's boobs. They're naked, because they're both too tired to move and find a blanket to cover themselves with. It's too hot for a blanket anyways.

 

"I love you," Clarke mutters. "I'm still a bit upset, but-"

 

"But?"

 

"I don't think I could ever give this up, you know? I could spend a whole week worrying about you, if it only meant I would get a few hours of being with you like this."

 

"I don't want you to have to worry about me."

 

"I know, but I don't think I could ever just not worry. But you and this- it's all so worth waiting for. I don't wanna lose this. I don't wanna lose you."

 

"You won't," Lexa reassures her and raises her head to look at Clarke.

 

"You don't know what will happen next week," Clarke whispers.

 

"I don't," Lexa says. "There will always be a risk, no matter how many rehabs I'll go to. I will never stop being an addict. What I know is that you will never lose me. Even if you get tired of this and of me, even if I lose you, you won't lose me."

 

"You won't lose me either, Lex. I love you."

 

"I love you, too, Clarke. I know that I don't deserve it, but if you decide to give me another chance I'll do my best not to make you regret it. I want to make you happy."

 

Clarke nods. "I already gave you another chance. I know you're doing your best, you deserve it."

 

"Thank you."

 

"We're going to be okay, Lex," Clarke whispers. "You're going to be okay."

 

"I'm with you. I know I will," Lexa says, laying her head on Clarke's chest again.

 

They don't talk after that, they fall asleep shortly afterwards. They both know the next days aren't going to be easy, but as long as they have each other, they will be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said there's going to be 4-5 chapters left, but i have a week to complete this story, so i'll probably end up writing one or 2 long chapters. i'm leaving for almost 3 months and i doubt i'll be able to use the internet, and i wouldn't want you guys to have to wait this long for an update.  
> anyways, back to the story, i felt like writing fluff, so here it is. of course, it's not over yet, so something bad will happen, but nothing cruel and nobody's dying.  
> thank you for waiting and reading :)


	20. Chapter 20

As always, Lexa wakes up before Clarke, still in her girlfriend's arms. She lies there for a few more minutes, hoping she will eventually drift back to sleep, but it doesn't happen. She yawns, and untangles herself from Clarke's arms and legs. She stretching her sore body, deciding to go to the nearest bakery, to get Clarke's favorite muffins. She gets up and quickly puts her clothes on, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

 

She's about to leave when she hears a mumble: "Lexa?" 

 

Lexa smiles softly at the other girl and comes closer to the blonde. She presses a light kiss to Clarke's forehead. 

 

"Sleep, it's early." 

 

"Come back, I'm cold," Clarke complains, her eyes still closed. 

 

Lexa takes a blanket from the old chair next to her bed and covers her girlfriend with it. 

 

"I'll be back soon," Lexa says and quietly leaves the room. 

 

Clarke is back asleep before Lexa gets to close the door. 

 

* * *

 

Probably the only good thing about getting up at 7 am is being able to go get still warm muffins, before the rest of the town wakes up and rushes to the bakery next to Lexa's home. When she gets there, the place is almost empty, so it takes her less than 5 minutes to get what she wants. 

 

She quickly leaves the bakery, hoping to get back home before Clarke wakes up, but she hears a familiar voice. 

 

"Lexa, I was looking for you." 

 

"Fuck," Lexa mutters, and turns around to face Echo. Judging by Echo's expression and the fact that Echo's "friends" are with her, Lexa's in trouble. "What do you want?" 

 

"I just wanna talk," Echo explains, coolly. "Come on, we have a lot to discuss." She motions to an empty looking alley. 

 

If Lexa wasn't so nervous, she would laugh. Isn't it cliché? She's about to get her ass kicked by some gang members (if you can even call them that) in a dark valley, just like in the movies. 

 

She considers simply escaping for a moment. She studies the men for a minute – she doesn't recognize either of them. One of them is much taller than the other, but they're not very tall or muscular. Lexa isn't stupid, and she knows, that just because they're not muscular, doesn't mean they're not strong. Echo wouldn't take with her people that can't protect her.  Running would probably only makes things worse for her. 

 

Echo must know what she is thinking about, because she smirks. "Don't even think about it." 

 

Lexa sighs, and starts walking towards the alley, without checking if Echo is following her. Lexa knows she is. She stops in the in the middle, mentally scolding herself for thinking going to the bakery so early, when the streets are still empty, would be a good idea. She doesn't turn around, instead Echo walks past her, so Lexa is standing between Echo and the two men. 

 

"Do you know what rumor I heard the other day?" Echo asks. 

 

"No, you know I hate rumors," Lexa says, trying to sound as calm as possible, even though her heart is beating so fast, it feels like she's about to pass out. 

 

"Let me tell you about it then," Echo says, taking a step forward. "Apparently, someone's writing some article about me working with Murphy. Do you know how many people know about it?" 

 

Lexa shakes her head. 

 

"Murphy, Gustus, you, and I. It couldn't be Gustus, because he's still in jail, it most definitely wasn't Murphy, and I don't recall talking to any journalists about it. There's only you." 

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

 

"I've never thought you'd be stupid enough to do something like this," Echo says, calmly. 

 

Echo waits for Lexa to answer, but nothing comes out of her mouth. Lexa knows there's no point in lying any longer, Echo knows very well it was her. 

 

"I know why you're doing this," Echo says and Lexa frowns. "I know it's because of Gustus. I get why you're mad." Echo lowers her voice and takes another step forward. "So tell me the name of that journalist, and I won't hurt you." Another step. "I'll let you go, just tell me the name." 

 

"I don't know his name," Lexa lies. She can hear the men behind her move closer to her as well. 

 

"You just started getting better. Do you really wanna ruin this for a guy you don't even know?" Echo tries again, softening her voice. 

 

Lexa stays silent, analyzing carefully the situation she is in. What will happen if Echo doesn't get the answer? Lexa will probably get killed by Echo, but she doesn't want to think about it yet. Bellamy and Costia will be safe. But what if Echo decides to let her live, and use one of the people she loves to get to Bellamy? Lincoln will most definitely be safe too, because Lexa has never told Echo about having a brother. Her mother might be in danger, but she doubts Echo will harm her mother in anyway – she thinks Lexa and Anya hate each other. 

 

And then there's Clarke. Does Echo know about Clarke? And if she does, then how? She didn't mention Clarke in that club that night. Clarke and Lexa don’t go out together often enough for Echo to see them – except for their date the night before. Could she see Clarke come out of the restroom- 

 

_Emerson's article._  

 

Lexa's eyes widen in panic. What if Echo saw the article? 

 

When Lexa doesn't answer again, Echo sighs, and simply glances at one of the men. He grabs Lexa's arm, forcefully turns her around. His fist connects with Lexa's jaw, making her lose her balance and fall. 

 

"This is gonna look really bad later," Echo comments. "What about that name?" 

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. "I don't know him." 

 

Echo sighs again. "I'm gonna find out anyways, Lexa. Just give me the name." 

 

"I told you." She tries to get up, but the taller man kicks her in her ribs, making her fall again. He repeats it a few times, until she's struggling to catch her breath. 

 

"It's your last chance, Lexa. Who's that journalist?" Echo asks, looking down at her. 

 

Lexa just shakes her head again. There's a part of her that knows that this is the right thing to do – after all, it was her idea to write this article, she's the one that put Bellamy's, and then Costia's, life in danger. She's the only person that could tell Echo who the mysterious journalist is. He would actually be safer with Lexa dead than with Lexa alive. 

 

But there's that other part of Lexa's heart that tells the other one to shut up. That doesn't want to give up, to lose everything she has now. She doesn't want to die, now that she finally started to live. If this had happened a few months back, she would have not been against her own death, damn, she would have been grateful for that, but things were different back then. Lexa had nothing and nobody, her family hated her almost as much as she hated herself. She didn't know Clarke back then.  

 

And now, when she isn't scared to live anymore, someone wants to take it all away. 

 

She doesn't want Clarke and her family to suffer because of her again. 

 

She quietly watches Echo give the men the last nod and then leave Lexa alone with them. 

 

* * *

 

Clarke walks into the kitchen, with her eyes still closed. She's still tired, because she didn't get much sleep last night, but got up anyways, hoping to see her girlfriend there. She was a bit disappointed when she woke up without Lexa by her side, but she assumed that the brunette had gone to the kitchen to make some coffee. She doesn't find Lexa there. She thinks that her girlfriend might have gone to the bakery, like she often does, so instead of waiting for her, she goes to the bathroom to take a quick shower. 

 

Luckily, Lincoln and Anya are still gone, so she doesn't have to wait to take a shower. She loves living with Lexa and her family, she really does, but if there's one thing she misses about living alone, it's having her own bathroom. 

 

Her shower is a little bit too long to be called quick, but even though it took almost 30 minutes, when Lexa isn't back home yet. 

 

She frowns. Of course, it's not the first time Lexa disappears for hours, but she would usually leave a note saying that she went for a walk. It never worried Clarke too much, because even though she would rather have Lexa talk to her about things that bothered her, she understood that Lexa needed some time on her own, to think, before she could open up to anyone. She searches the whole house for a note from Lexa, but it looks like Lexa didn't leave one. 

 

She checks her phone, and realizes it's almost 1 pm. When she woke up, Lexa's usual spot beside her was already cold, so Lexa must've left a few hours ago. She takes a calming breath and gets back to the kitchen to make some coffee. Once it's done, she takes a sip, and sits down. There's nothing she can do right now anyways. 

 

She's about to wash the now empty cup, when the door opens abruptly, causing her to jump. 

 

"Jesus fuck," she yells, and rushes to the door to find Costia and Lexa, who's covered in blood and using Costia's shoulder to stand straight. 

 

"Hey, Clarke," Costia pants, visibly struggling to hold Lexa. She doesn't stay there for long, she pretty much drags Lexa to the living room, and helps her lie down on the sofa. 

 

"What happened to her?" Clarke asks, panicked, as she kneels right next to Lexa to check if Lexa is breathing. Luckily, she is. She quickly takes Lexa's jacket and shirt off to check if there are any wounds. She finds nothing, but bruises on Lexa's ribs and stomach that start to form and several scratches. It's that small wound on Lexa's head that worries Clarke the most, though. 

 

"I have no idea, I found her in an alley, a few meters from here," Costia explains. 

 

"Why didn't you take her to the hospital then?" Clarke asks, angrily. 

 

"No hospitals," Lexa mumbles. 

 

Clarke lets out a sigh of relief. "Lex, you might have your ribs broken and a concussion. You have to see a doctor." 

 

"Don't be stupid, Lexa, Clarke's right. This might be dangerous." 

 

Lexa shakes her head, which makes her wince. She abruptly opens her eyes. "Clarke, you need to pack and leave." 

 

Clarke and Costia exchange a look, both confused. 

 

"Lex, what are you talking about?" Clarke asks. 

 

"It's Echo, she- she knows about- you have to take Lincoln and leave," Lexa explains, breathing heavily. 

 

"Fuck," Costia mutters. "I'll call Bellamy, and you try to convince her," she tells Clarke and leaves the room. 

 

"Lex, you have to go," Clarke whispers softly, taking a wet towel and delicately cleaning Lexa's face. "Costia's right, this looks bad." 

 

Lexa smirks. "Who would've thought you'd end up being friends?" 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. "We're not really friends, but nice try. You're still going to the hospital." 

 

"It's too risky, and we don't even know if I really need it," Lexa explains. 

 

"Are you crazy? Your head is bleeding, you were unconscious, your ribs might be broken, and you're saying there's no need?" 

 

"I'm fine, Clarke, I just need a nap," Lexa reassures her. 

 

Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes. 

 

Costia comes back to the room. "Bellamy says he should be okay, he's not gonna leave the apartment today. Besides, he isn't gonna use his own name to publish it anyways." 

 

Lexa nods, visibly calmer now. 

 

"See? Nothing to worry about. Can we go now?" Clarke asks, impatiently. 

 

"Clarke, it's too dangerous-" 

 

"Look, you'll go to the hospital, and I'll make sure nothing happens to Clarke, okay?" Costia offers. 

 

"No way, I'm not leaving her," Clarke says quickly. 

 

"Oh god," Costia sighs. "We'll go to the hospital together, then." 

 

Lexa watches her ex girlfriend in silence. "And you'd protect Clarke?" 

 

"Of course," Costia reassures her. 

 

"I can't ask you to do that. I don't want you to get hurt." 

 

"You don't have to ask, I'm doing it anyways, so you'll shut up and go to the fucking hospital," Costia says, impatiently. 

 

Lexa sighs deeply, but that only makes her wince again. "Okay, I'll go." 

 

Costia smiles triumphantly and helps Lexa get up. 

 

* * *

 

"If you say something like 'I told you so', I swear to god, I'll murder you myself," Clarke says, sitting down next to Lexa's hospital bed. The rest of the family and Costia are all waiting in a hall, because, according to the doctor, Lexa has to rest, and if four visitors may be too much. 

 

"I won't," Lexa answers, rolling her eyes. "I know you were just worried." 

 

"Of course I was. You looked terrible. I was so scared," Clarke says, kissing Lexa's lips softly. 

 

"So was I. I was so scared they'd kill me," Lexa whispers. 

 

"But what happened? What was she doing there?" 

 

"She knows about the article, and she knew it was me. She wanted Bellamy's name," Lexa explains. 

 

"How does she know?" Clarke asks with wide eyes. 

 

"I don't know," Lexa answers. 

 

"Do you think she'll try to do that again?" 

 

"Try to make me talk?" Clarke nods. "I don't know. I think." 

 

"So what do we do now?" 

 

Lexa sighs and takes Clarke's hand in hers. "Now we wait." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> echo let lexa live, so everything should be fine now, right? :)


	21. Chapter 21

Luckily for Lexa (and all the doctors and nurses that had to deal with her), the brunette's injuries weren't serious enough to keep her in the hospital for a longer period of time. Her head and bruised ribs still hurt, and it may take a few days for the pain to disappear, but the doctors say that she is lucky this is all she has to deal with.

 

Which is something that made Lexa a bit suspicious – are those men really that bad at beating people up? Or was this Echo's plan all along? Lexa doubts the first part is true – Echo isn't dumb, and she wouldn't have anyone like that protect her. But why would Echo keep her alive? They both know how stubborn Lexa is, and they both know that Lexa won't tell Echo anything, but still, for some stupid reason, Echo kept Lexa alive.

 

They were never friends, even though Lexa would often call her and Gustus that. They were just people that sometimes lived together, and happened to use drugs. Drugs and Echo's business were all they would talk about, except for rare occasions when they would briefly mention their families, friends, their old lives. That's it. No reason to let Lexa live.

 

Lexa doesn't understand, but she isn't going to complain – she's still alive, and after pretty much accepting her own death, it's something that still makes her sigh in relief. She's happy to be alive.

 

And she was more than happy to finally be able to leave this place. She hates hospitals, she hates being so weak she can't take care of herself. Honestly, the nurses hated taking care of her too. She heard them call her "the biggest bitch and the worst patient" they've had since Mr. Johnson, who "bit her so hard, I almost lost my hand" when the nurse tried to take him to another room. And while Lexa knew she deserved to get called that, she couldn't help but send them glares every time they came near her.

 

Lexa left the hospital the very next day after she first got there with Clarke and Costia by her side. Of course, Lexa wanted them both to stay in a safe place, that is Lexa's house, and simply take a bus, but there was no way she could win against both Costia and Clarke.

 

It's still kind of weird for Lexa to see how well her current girlfriend and her ex get along. When she first talked to Costia about trying to be friends, she was worried that Clarke wouldn't be okay with that, but, to her surprise, it quickly turned out Clarke and Costia were better friends than Costia and Lexa. She probably should be jealous or worried, but she's actually happy to see them get along so well. It helps a lot, since Lexa makes sure Costia spends as much time as she can with her family – she's not only a great friend, she also has a gun.   


 

Lincoln suggested getting one a few times, but Lexa didn't agree with him. She isn't scared of having a gun or of guns themselves, but of having to use them. Even though her family would be safer, the thought of killing another person, even if in self-defense, makes her sick.   


 

Lincoln's suggestion wasn't based on the need to feel safer, he just wanted Costia gone from his house. He's never truly forgave Costia for leaving his sister – he blamed Costia for Lexa's addiction, for not making Lexa seek help earlier.  The siblings would argue a lot because of Costia's presence. Lincoln didn't want to just "move on and focus on more important stuff", as Lexa suggested, but Lexa was too stubborn, and eventually won.   


 

Of course, Lexa still feels a little bad for using Costia like this, and makes sure her ex knows that at least once a day. She doesn't want Costia too feel like she only matters to Lexa, because she can protect Lexa's family. Lexa might not be in love with Costia anymore, but she still loves her, and, even though the fact that Costia left her still hurts, trusts her with her life.   


 

Clarke took a break from painting to focus on her girlfriend. When Clarke told Lexa about it, the brunette, as selfish as it sounds, was happy, because they didn't get to spend much time together before Lexa got beaten up. Even though she despised people that tried to take care of her when she couldn't do that herself, it felt very nice when Clarke did that. They loved to pretend Lexa was still too sore to move, so that they could spend the whole day in bed, doing nothing but cuddling and kissing.   


 

Their situation was far from perfect. Lexa was nervous Echo would try to harm her family, while her family was worried, that Echo wasn't done with Lexa yet, and would try to harm her again. Anya, Lincoln, and Clarke didn't really believe that Echo would try to kill them – they weren't even sure if Echo knew about their existence. They kept quiet, though. It would all end soon anyways. Bellamy called right after Lexa left the hospital, to inform her, that he was done with writing and was only waiting for the editor to approve the article. He actually listened to Lexa's suggestion and decided to sign the article using only the first letter of his last name and middle name, to make sure nobody would know who the author is. At least not after reading the article.   


 

Finally, the day the article is supposed to come out comes, and, honestly, none of them could get happier.   


 

"Morning," Lincoln mumbles, as he walks into the kitchen. Lexa, Clarke, and Anya are already there, eating breakfast.   


 

"Want some coffee?" Lexa asks, turning around from the counter.   


 

Lincoln smiles. "This is why you're my favorite sister."   


 

"That's like the second nicest thing you've ever said to me," Lexa says, pretending to wipe her tears. "In fact, this is the only nice thing you've ever said to me."   


 

"That's not true, I once said your dress looked pretty," Lincoln says, trying to defend himself.   


 

"And then you admitted you thought it was hideous!"   


 

Lincoln gasps, offended. "Hey, I was just trying to protect your virginity!"   


 

"How the fuck did you know what virginity was at the time? Weren't you like 10?" Lexa asks, raising her eyebrows.   


 

"Language, Lexa," Anya warns, half-jokingly.   


 

"Exactly, language, Lexa," Lincoln mocks.   


 

Lexa just rolls her eyes, takes a cup of coffee for Clarke, and sits down next to her girlfriend.   


 

"You're not gonna read the article?" Lincoln asks, noticing that there's no newspaper on the table.   


 

"No," Lexa says, honestly. "I don't care about it, I just want Echo gone."   


 

Lincoln exchanges a look with Clarke, but the blonde just shrugs, so he decides to ask about something else. "Costia left already?"   


 

"She actually left yesterday evening. She had to wake up early to make sure Echo doesn't run away," Clarke explains, sipping on her coffee.   


 

"So she's just gonna arrest her? Just like that? It's just an article," Anya asks, curiously.   


 

"She's called to other cops and they contacted Bellamy. He gave them copies of his proofs, including a recording of everything I told him, should be enough to arrest her and Murphy," Lexa informs.   


 

"Are they gonna question you?"   


 

"I don't think so. Bellamy doesn't have to tell them anything about me, he can just say I'm his informant. The tape should be enough."   


 

"It's hard to believe the cops would help him just like that. There's gonna be a huge scandal," Lincoln says, shaking his head.   


 

"It actually isn't," Clarke says. "Murphy's son says at least a half of them works for dealers. They probably wanna sacrifice Murphy to protect themselves."   


 

"This is why I'm an anarchist," Lincoln mutters.   


 

"'Fuck the system, but I'm gonna study law'?" Lexa teases.   


 

"I wanna destroy the system from the inside."   


 

"Fair enough," Lexa nods.   


 

"Oh, thank god you have coffee," Raven says, walking into the kitchen.   


 

"Ever heard of knocking?" Lexa asks, raising her eyebrows.   


 

"Sorry," Bellamy apologizes, as he and Octavia appear right behind Raven.   


 

He takes one of the muffins Clarke hasn't eaten yet and takes a sip of Lexa's coffee, which makes the brunette roll her eyes. Raven and Bellamy sit next to Lincoln, while Octavia leans against the wall. She looks like this is the last place she wants to be in, and it most certainly is true.   


 

"So, how's everything?" Lexa asks.   


 

"It's still quiet. I mean sure, everyone's talking about the article, but nobody that's actually relevant in the whole state. Mostly locals so far. My boss says that will change once Murphy gets arrested," Bellamy explains. "He's pretty happy with the result."   


 

Raven snorts. "'Pretty happy'? I'm pretty sure the guy fell in love with you the moment people started to talk about your article. He's deadass gonna replace those pics of Jesus in his office with your selfies soon."   


 

"I have some great selfies that would probably do," Bellamy admits.   


 

"Were you fully clothed when you took them?"   


 

"No."   


 

"Then they won't do," Raven says.   


 

"How do you know he has pics of Jesus in his office?" Clarke asks.   


 

"Bellamy told me." Raven shrugs.   


 

"I bet my ass you two meet every thursday afternoon and gossip," Lincoln says.   


 

"Of course we do, we love gossips," Bellamy admits.   


 

Raven nods and adds, "and talking shit about people."   


 

"Isn't that the same thing?" Lexa frowns.   


 

"No, my child. Just because I gossip about your hot ass, doesn't mean I talk shit about it."   


 

"Can you not talk about my daughter's ass in my presence?" Anya mutters.   


 

"I'm sorry," Raven says, ashamed.   


 

"Anyways," Lexa starts, "do you have any messages from Costia?"   


 

"No, I guess they're still looking for Echo."   


 

They spend another 2 hours talking and waiting for Costia to come back. Even though it feels a bit uncomfortable at first, mostly because of obviously uncomfortable Octavia, but she eventually  sits down next to her brother, and even laughs at the jokes. She limited her glares at Lexa to 3, but it was still a success. It would be much nicer for Anya if Bellamy and Raven didn't think it was okay to eat everything she had in her fridge.

 

When Costia finally appears, she brings good news and 3 huge boxes of pizza. Both Echo and Murphy got quickly caught, not without trouble in Echo’s case. Apparently, few people were ready to defend her, and, because they had guns, things got messy. Nobody died though, and they all got arrested.

 

Lexa feels a huge relief when she finds out, because she can finally stop worrying about her family. That makes Clarke happy too - she hasn't seen her girlfriend this happy in weeks. Besides, she's happy to finally be able to leave the house without Costia, even though she considers the girl her friend.

 

Everything is going to be okay again.

 

* * *

 

_ Three days later. _

  
  


“Are you sure you have everything you need?” Clarke asks for yet another time, as if she hasn't personally made sure everything Lexa will need is in her backpack. 

 

“Underwear, bras, socks, documents, money,” Lexa recites. “No clothes, because they'd take them away anyway.”

 

“Right,” Clarke nods. “You remember my phone number, right? Call me whenever you need.”

 

“I know, Clarke.”

 

“If you need me to come and get you, just give me a call. If they treat you like shit, just tell them your girlfriend is-”

 

“My girlfriend is ‘rich and famous’, my brother's a future lawyer, one of my friends is a well-known journalist, the other one's a cop. I know, Clarke,” Lexa says, squeezing Clarke tighter. “I'm gonna miss you.”

 

“So am I,” Clarke whispers. “Get better and come back home to me.”

 

“I will,” Lexa says, sighing.

 

They've been standing in front of the rehab center for at least half an hour now, with Lincoln and Anya watching them in silence. Lexa’s mother is smiling, while her brother keeps rolling his eyes at Clarke and Lexa’s inability to let go.

 

“If you guys keep doing this, she'll never go,” Lincoln says.

 

“Fuck off, Lincoln,” Clarke mumbles, but she lets go of Lexa anyways.

 

He immediately wraps his sister in a bear hug. “Good luck.”

 

“Thanks. Take care of them,” Lexa whispers.

 

“I will, no worries.”

 

“I love you,” she says.

 

“I love you. I'm so proud of you.”

 

Lexa pulls back a little to take a look at his face.

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course,” he smiles. He steps back, to make some space for his mother, and stands next to Clarke, who watches them with a smile.

 

Anya wipes the tears on Lexa’s cheeks, and then hugs her tightly.

 

“Don't cry, you'll be back soon,” she reassures her daughter.

 

“It's okay, I'm just happy,” Lexa mutters against her mom's shoulder.

 

“I am too. I'm so happy for you,” Anya admits.

 

“Take care of them,” Lexa quietly says.

 

“I will. You know, I've always wanted to have another child.”

 

Lexa pulls away, rolling her eyes. “And you got a Griffin instead of another Woods.”

 

“I'm glad I did, another Woods would be too much,” Anya jokes.

 

Lexa smiles. She goes to hug Clarke again, but her girlfriend is already wrapping her arms around Lexa.

 

“I love you,” Clarke says.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Remember to-”

 

“Not this shit again,” Lincoln whines.

 

Lexa smiles and gives Clarke a peck on the lips. “I better get going.”

 

Clarke nods and steps back.

 

“Good luck,” she says.

 

Lexa nods and smiles again. She turns away from her family, takes a deep breath and starts walking towards the wooden door.

 

It would be a huge lie if she said she wasn't nervous. She's terrified she won't be able to fully give up on drugs, that all the hard work she's put in getting better will be for nothing. That she'll disappoint her family again.

 

But at the same time she's excited. She can finally start a new life, a life where she's happy.

 

She finally opens the door, but doesn't walk in. As dramatic or cliché it sounds, she takes the last look at her family, smiling at her and waving.

 

Yes, she'll be alright.

 

* * *

 

_ Two weeks later. _

 

When Lexa finally walks into her room, it's already 9 pm. She spent the whole day outside of it, because of various classes she had that day. They are boring, and she absolutely hates them, but she knows they're necessary, so she never complains.

 

She doesn't have much time to call her family, because the classes keep her busy. Their main goal is making sure she doesn't even think about drugs, which is weird - they often talk about their experiences with heroin. She still does. She often catches herself thinking about heroin. It's much harder without Clarke, but she's doing okay.

 

She sits down on her bed, with a few letters in her hand. Clarke writes them every few days, and so do Lincoln and Anya. She even got some letters from Bellamy, Costia, and Raven, where they wished her good luck.

 

She finds a letter from Clarke and another one from Lincoln, but it's a small envelope that catches her eye. There's nothing but her name written on it, and it probably isn't from any of her friends. She sets the rest of the letters aside, and frowns. She opens it and finds a small piece of paper there. She takes it out and slowly reads the short sentence.

 

_ May we meet again.  _

__  - Echo _ _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, the last chapter of this story. I'm not fully satisfied with it, but making you wait another 2 months for it isn't something I want. I apologize for all the typos I made in this chapter, but I wrote most of it on my phone in the car.  
> thank you very much for reading this story, for all the kudos and comments. I appreciate it all a lot, because I didn't think anyone would read this story. thanks again :)


	22. Chapter 22

“Jesus fucking Christ, where the-”

 

“Behave, we’re in the court.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Just stop it, Lexa,” Clarke sighs, and places her hand on Lexa’s bouncing leg.

 

“Sorry, I’m just nervous,” Lexa mutters, and her leg stills. “Fuck, she fucked up my face, then she sent that fucking note. What if she tries something else?”

 

Clarke takes one of Lexa’s hands and squeezes it gently.

 

“You’re gonna be fine,” she reassures her girlfriend. "You're safe."

 

“I’m not really worried about myself,” Lexa mumbles.

 

“I know, Lex." 

 

They’ve been waiting in the court for Echo’s trial to start for at least an hour now. Apparently, something really important happened, that causes the judge to be late. It doesn’t really help Lexa calm her nerves.

 

Clarke would be lying if she said she wasn’t being nervous herself. Truthfully, she has been since Lexa finally told her about the note, which was way too late, in Clarke’s opinion. Lexa spent 3 months in the rehab center, and she had been going to tell Clarke about it once she got back home, but she’s never been good at keeping things from her girlfriend. She ended up showing the note to Clarke a week later, which was still late, in Clarke’s opinion. Just as Lexa had predicted, the blonde panicked. She wanted to call the police, or, even better, Costia, and make them keep Lexa safe. Lexa couldn’t blame her, she was scared too.

 

Besides, Echo already had her chance to get rid of Lexa, and she didn’t. Lexa has a feeling that there’s a reason why she’s still alive. She didn't survive only to get killed few weeks later.

 

Lexa gets up abruptly. “Where the fuck is that motherfucking-”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke hisses.

 

“Sorry,” Lexa says, sitting dow n again. “I just want it to be over already.”

 

Clarke takes a moment to look around the huge hall they’re in. She doesn’t recognize any faces, except for Bellamy’s, who’s sitting right next to Lexa, and telling Costia lame jokes. He seems to be the calmest person in the hall, but Clarke knows him, even though hiding his fear like this is something she doesn't get to see often.

 

She hears Costia laugh after yet another joke, but when the woman catches Clarke’s eyes over Lexa’s head, she sends her a glare that says “please, make him shut up, or I’ll have to shoot him.” Clarke only smirks, because let’s be honest - Costia’s jokes are just as bad, and Clarke is pretty sure she actually enjoys Bellamy’s ones.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa says, drawing Clarke’s attention back to her.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath. “Well, there’s this thing I thought a lot about. I think I wanna-”

 

“I’m sorry for being late,” the judge interrupts her, as he appears in the hall, panting heavily.  

 

“I’m going to get prepared now, the trial will start in 10 minutes.”

 

Lexa looks at him in disbelief. “Is he fucking serious? He appears now, that I wanted to tell you?”

 

Clarke chuckles. “You’ll tell me later, babe." 

 

Lexa rolls her eyes.

 

* * *

_ Three hours later. _

 

"I thought it'd never end," Bellamy says.

 

"At one point I considered ordering pizza, but I don't think the judge would appreciate it," Costia admits.

 

"Maybe if you gave her a slice, she would. She looked almost as bored as Echo. I bet she was relieved when she heard she will spend 10 years in jail, not two more hours in that courtroom."

 

"Lexa, you owe me pizza," Costia says to the brunette, who's walking with Clarke right behind her and Bellamy.

 

"Lexa would rather have some vodka," Lexa answers.

 

"We get some vodka on our way home and then order pizza," Clarke says.

 

Costia stops abruptly. "Clarke, I love you."

 

"Hey, she's mine," Lexa protests.

 

"You can have Bellamy," Costia shrugs.

 

Clarke laughs. "Well, Bellamy's the only one of us that hasn't dated Lexa yet."

 

"You're all disgusting. I'm too gay to date Bellamy," Lexa says, but nobody can really hear her, because of Costia's loud laugh.

 

* * *

 

"So, what's that thing you wanted to tell me about?" Clarke asks, handing Lexa a plate.

 

The brunette stops washing it for a moment to look at her girlfriend. "It's nothing, really."

 

"It must be something, you look nervous," Clarke says.

 

"Yeah, but I'm not scared of telling you."

 

"So, what is it?"

 

Lexa resumes washing. "I want to get a job."

 

"Yeah, I know you do," Clarke says, frowning. Lexa has been talking about getting a job for a while now, what's so different about it now?

 

"I wanna work as an English teacher," Lexa says. "I know I said I'd take any job right now, but I didn't study for all these years to work as a bartender now."

 

Clarke grins and nearly shouts. "That's amazing!"

 

Lexa smiles, seeing how excited her girlfriend is. "I've already talked to Mr Thomas on the phone and I'm meeting him this Monday. That gives me two days to get ready for the interview."

 

"Thomas? That dude from your old high school?"

 

"Yeah, the principal," Lexa nods.

 

Clarke smiles again. "You'll do great, Lex. You're so getting this job."

 

"You think so?" Lexa asks, biting her lip.

 

"Sure, miss Woods," Clarke teases, tickling her sides.

 

Lexa squirms, trying not to laugh.

 

"Fuck off," she mumbles.

 

* * *

 

"Miss Woods, isn't it? Please, have a sit," Principal Kane says, looking up from his notebook .

 

"Thank you, sir," Lexa says, sitting down. She tries to give Kane a smile, but she's too nervous, and she knows the smile looks more like a grimace. The man still smiles back reassuringly.

 

"So, you're here, because you want to work as an English lit teacher in my school," he starts.

 

"Yes, sir."

 

"Why?" Kane asks simply.

 

"Why I want to work as a teacher or why here?"

 

"Why here?"

 

"I like this place. My brother used to go here," Lexa explains.

 

Kane nods. "But you didn't?"

 

"I didn't. We used to go to school together, but then he transferred," she says. "He liked it much better here, he would always say the teachers are nicer and the atmosphere is much better. Besides, it's a good school. From what I've heard my brother's words are true, so I thought this school would be the best place for a young teacher." 

 

"Alright," he says, and looks down at Lexa's resume. "You're 27, and you got a master's degree, you completed a training, you also worked as a substitute teacher in college. Your resume looks good, great even, but why didn't you start to work right after you graduated? Why did you wait?"

 

Lexa sighs, and looks away from Kane's piercing gaze.

 

"Before I applied here, I had applied to other schools in the city, but then I'd lose the job, before I'd even get to start it," she says, loudly swallowing. "I'm a drug addict. I mean, I've been clean for over a year now, but yeah."

 

Kane doesn't say anything, watching her in silence. Finally, he raises an eyebrow. "You know what would happen if I gave you the job, and then the parents found out?"

 

Lexa's shoulders slump. "I know."

 

"You know how much I would risk, don't you?"

 

"I do, sir."

 

"You have all the required documents, but you don't really have any experience. I don't know if you'd be a good teacher. I don't know if it's worth the risk."

 

Lexa sighs. "I understand what it looks like, sir, but please, give me a chance. I've been doing really good, I've been to rehab, my private life got much better, I live with my girlfriend, and I don't hang out with other addicts. I even go to NA meetings every Saturday. But to get on my own feet I need a job, and how am I supposed to do that if nobody wants to give me a shot?"

 

Kane sighs. "I need to think about this. I really do need a teacher, and you would be a perfect candidate, but I need some time. I'll call you soon."

 

"Okay, I understand," she nods, disappointed, and gets up. "It was a pleasure to meet you, sir."

 

She turns around and moves to leave. Kane gets up as well.

 

"Miss Woods?"

 

"Yes?" she asks, stopping.

 

"Even if it isn't this one, you'll find a job. Don't give up."

 

Lexa turns her head and gives him a sad smile. "It's easy for you to say."

 

* * *

 

Kane calls her next Tuesday and invites her for another interview.

 

To be honest, she didn't expect him to call. She thought it was just on e of those "I'll call you"s that actually mean "we want you to fuck off, but that would be unprofessional to say". She takes the phone call as a good sign, and goes to the school with a small smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

"I've been thinking a lot about your situation, miss Woods," Kane admits. "Is it okay if I ask you a few questions?"

 

Lexa gives him a faint nod.

 

"What are you addicted to?"

 

"Heroin, sir."

 

Kane nods, scratchin g his chin. "How old were you when you started?"

 

"24. I was using regularly for almost 2 years, then I went to rehab."

 

He nods again. "You know, my daughter was addicted to heroin as well."

 

"Oh." She didn't see that coming.

 

"Yes. She died 4 years ago."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that."

 

"You know, I can't help but think that if she was alive, she would probably be in your situation right now. Trying to get a job, but nobody would give her a chance."

 

Lexa doesn't say anything, but Kane doesn't expect her too.

 

"But I will give you one," he finally says.

 

Lexa looks at him with wide eyes. "You will?"

 

"Yes. I'll give you a month to prove that you are worth the risk."

 

"Oh my god, thank you so much, sir."

 

"I have to warn you though. I know addicts. I know that sooner or later you will feel the need to use again. And if that happens, I won't give you another chance, I'll fire you."

 

"Okay."

 

"If I find out, that you encourage the students to do drugs, I'll call the police."

 

"That won't happen, sir."

 

"Don't make me regret this."

 

"I won't, Mr. Kane, I promise."

 

* * *

 

"You're doing so good," Costia says. It's probably meant to sound like a praise, but it sounds more like an observation.

 

"I guess," Lexa mutters.

 

"You don't think you are?" The dark skinned woman frowns.

 

"Not at all."

 

"Why not?"

 

"I miss it sometimes," Lexa admits. "There are days when I feel like I just can't do this anymore, like I'll either use or- I don't know. Kill myself or something."

 

"I thought the NA meetings helped."

 

"They did. They still do, but I still feel like doing this."

 

"But you don't."

 

"I don't."

 

"And that shows how good you're doing."

 

"I don't use not because I know I shouldn't. I just always imagine how I'd feel if I did that. I'd feel useless and weak. I'd be disgusted with myself. I don't want to feel like that. Or others to think that about me."

 

"Weak? Lexa, literally nobody would think that'd make you weak. Sure, we'd probably be disappointed a bit, because it's been years now, but you're an addict. I don't think any of us can even imagine how hard it must be for you." 

"Yeah, but I'd still think I'm weak. How would I even look at myself in the mirror if-. I don't even wanna think about it," Lexa finishes quickly, shaking her head.

 

"You're being too hard on yourself."

 

Lexa snorts. "It's not like I can go easy. I go easy and the next thing I know I'm in the park, completely smashed."

 

"Give yourself some credit."

 

"Doing something most people do, which is surviving without drugs, isn't something to be proud of."

 

"Yeah, but most of those people aren't addicts."

 

"Because they're way too smart to become one."

 

Costia rolls her eyes. "Jesus Christ, you're so frustrating."

 

"Frustrating and frustrated," Lexa mumbles.

 

"I thought you were getting laid regularly these d ays."

 

It's Lexa's turn to roll her eyes. "Fuck off, Costia."

 

\---

 

"Honey, I'm back," Lexa shouts, as she walks into their apartment.

 

They got it a few months ago, right after Lexa came back home from the rehab center. Lexa wanted to wait a bit more, until she gets a job, but Clarke wanted to have a separate room for painting, and Lexa's bedroom was too small. But after Lincoln jokingly told them to move out (he tripped over Clarke's easel, which somehow ended up on the floor in their bathroom), Lexa decided that both her brother and her girlfriend were right. She agreed on the condition that they would get a small, inexpensive apartment, but Clarke ended up getting an expensive apartment downtown ("but it's small, just like you wanted").

 

"Lexa, disgusting. We're not an old married couple that lives in the suburbs," Clarke says.

 

Lexa laughs and approaches the blonde to give her a kiss. "What a shame. You'd make a hot soccer mom."

 

"Are you trying to tell me you want a kid?" Clarke teases, kissing her back.

 

"I thought we agreed we won't have any kids until we're both old and too lazy to take care of ourselves."

 

"We don't need another kid. We should at least wait for Raven and Bellamy to move out or go to college."

 

"I can't wait, to be honest. I'm a little tired of being their parent already."

 

Clarke laughs. "So, how was work, miss Woods?"

 

"Remember that lopsided chimney?"

 

"The one you can see from your classroom?"

 

"Yes. It finally collapsed," Lexa says.

 

"Really? Is everyone okay?" Clarke asks, concerned.

 

"Of course, nobody goes there. But it was still the most interesting thing that happened this year."

 

"I bet you so badly wanted something interesting to happen you helped it collapse," Clarke jokes and Lexa shrugs.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. "You're the teacher. Isn't it your job to make this class interesting?"

 

Lexa huffs, offended. "It's not my fault they don't want to talk to me about the beauty of Edgar Allan Poe's poems."

 

"I've never liked the dude," Clarke admits.

 

"Other kids seem to love him. It's just that one class."

 

"Are you sure you had nothing to do with that chimney collapsing?"

 

Lexa kisses Clarke again, winks, and then leaves the room.

 

"Lexa!"

 

* * *

 

"What is this?" Clarke asks as she walks into their spacious kitchen, where Lexa is cooking a dinner.

 

Lexa turns around and notices a small bag in Clarke's hand. Her eyes widen.

 

"Clarke, I-" she starts.

 

"Lexa, I asked you a simple question," Clarke interrupts sharply. "What the fuck is this? And why did you have this in your bag?"

 

"I- Clarke, I'm sorry." Lexa says, almost begging Clarke to understand. She isn't sure what, but she just wants Clarke to get it.

 

Clarke clenches her jaw, and Lexa realizes her girlfriend is trying not  to scream.

 

"Did you use?"

 

"I didn't," Lexa quickly answers. "Clarke-"

 

Clarke shakes her head. "Be honest with me."

 

"I promise, I didn't," Lexa answers, taking a step forward.

 

"Why do you have this then?" Clarke asks coolly.

 

This time Lexa doesn't say anything.

 

"Lexa." Clarke says, urging her to answer.

 

"I just- I don't know. But I wasn't gonna use, I promise." Lexa says.

 

"Why did you buy this then?"

 

Lexa shrugs. "Just in case."

 

Clarke sighs and sits down on a chair.

 

Lexa approaches her and kneels in front of her to have a better look at Clarke's face. "Clarke, I'm really sorry. I just felt so bad, I felt like I had to use, and then I met that dude I used to hang out with, and he had some dope, and asked if I wanted some. I don't even know why I agreed, I just-" Lexa stops and shrugs again.

 

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Clarke asks, her voice still cold.

 

"I didn't want to worry you."

 

"You should've told me about this."

 

"I know," Lexa says.

 

"How am I supposed to be here for you if you keep hiding this shit from me? How am I supposed to trust you?" Clarke whispers. The change in her tone causes Lexa to take one of Clarke's hands. The brunette is relieved when Clarke lets her.

 

"You know I didn't do it."

 

"I don't know, Lexa, did you?"

 

"I didn't," Lexa repeats.

 

"Have you used since the rehab?" 

 

"I haven't, I swear."

 

Clarke shakes her head. "I don't believe you." 

 

"I understand," Lexa says, nodding. "Can I?" she asks, looking at the small bag.

 

Clarke studies her face for a moment, but eventually does what Lexa asked her to.

 

The brunette takes it and wordlessly walks to their small bathroom.

 

Clarke's eyes widen, and it takes her a moment to start to follow Lexa. "What are you doing?"

 

She walks into the bathroom to find Lexa emptying the bag to the toilet. When the foil is empty, she lets it fall as well, and flushes it.

 

"I'm really not using again, Clarke," she says, as she watches the bag disappear.

 

"I know," Clarke whispers. "I'm sorry."

 

"Don't be, I get it. I know what it looked like."

 

Clarke nods. "Promise you'll talk to me next time?"

"I promise. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bought it. I shouldn't even have talked to that guy."

 

"You shouldn't have," Clarke agrees.

 

"But you're not mad anymore?" Lexa asks.

 

Clarke closes the distance between them and wraps her arms around Lexa's waist, burying her face in the crook of Lexa's neck.  

 

"I am."

 

"I'll make it up to you."

 

"A massage?"

 

Lexa smiles. "A massage."

 

"Stop smiling, I'm still mad at you."

 

* * *

 

"Do you ever wonder where we'd be right now if we never met?"

 

"You'd probably marry Bellamy and be even more famous than right now."

 

"'Even more famous'? Is that even possible?"

 

Lexa chuckles. "Cocky, aren't we?"

 

"Oh, you know me" Clarke teases. "What about you?"

 

"Hm. Well I'd probably be doing the very same thing I was before I met you. Shooting up in some random toilets and avoiding cops. And those old ladies that clean the malls." 

 

"That sounds much more exciting than your life right now."

 

Lexa smiles. "Nah. I was getting tired of running away anyways."

 

"Literally or metaphorically speaking?"

 

"Uh, both, I guess. Besides, I'm getting laid regularly nowadays, so that's a huge plus."

 

Clarke laughs. "Sex with me is better than heroin?"

 

"Much more addictive, that's for sure," Lexa jokes, kissing Clarke's neck.

 

* * *

 

"Babe, can you please hurry the fuck up? We're gonna be late," Clarke shouts from the kitchen, where she drinks her third coffee today. And it's only 1 pm.

 

They were supposed to leave to Bellamy's house half an hour ago. They decided to go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate Lexa's 30th birthday,  but Lexa came back late from work, and didn't have much time to get ready. But it's the very first time it's Lexa's fault they're going to be late, and she's not going to let that down. She is going to be as annoying as Lexa is every time they are about to be late.

 

"Oh how the tables have turned," Lexa says, her voice muffled because of the closed door.

 

"If you're not out of the room, fully dressed in 2 minutes, I'm walking in and dragging you to the car."

 

"This is the first time YOU have to wait for me to get ready and-"

 

"ONE MINUTE!"

 

"Jesus, I'm going, calm the fuck down. Shouldn't you be nice to me on my birthday?" Lexa asks as she walks into the kitchen, but that doesn't make Clarke calm down.

 

How's Clarke supposed to be calm when her girlfriend looks this good in a simple black dress?

 

"Marry me," Clarke whispers, her eyes wide.

 

Lexa smirks seeing Clarke's reaction. "Okay."

 

It takes Clarke a moment to realize what Lexa just said.

 

"Wait, what?" Clarke asks, shocked.

 

"I said 'okay'," Lexa repeats.

 

"You're being serious?"

 

"Yes," Lexa nods. "Are you?"

 

Clarke grins widely and closes the distance between them to kiss her girlfriend deeply.

 

"I'll take it as a yes," Lexa says and kisses her back.

 

Clarke pulls back. "I didn't mean to ask you like this."

 

"Wait, so you actually wanted to ask? It wasn't a spontaneous decision?" Lexa asks, laughing.

 

"No, I-" Clarke takes a small, black box out of her pocket. "I bought a ring like a month ago, but never actually had the balls to ask."

 

"You can ask me now," Lexa whispers.

 

"And what will you say?" Clarke asks quietly, biting her lip.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. "You're such an idiot. Ask, and you'll find out."

 

Clarke takes a deep breath. "Will you marry me, Lex?"

 

"Yes," Lexa answers with a small smile. She presses her lips against Clarke's, but the blonde pulls away after a second.

 

"Wait, is the big bad Lexa Woods crying?" Clarke teases.

 

"What? Those are not my tears," Lexa says quickly, hiding her face in the crook of Clarke's neck. She huffs. "Of course, I'm crying, you idiot. The love of my life just asked me to marry her, what else am I supposed to be doing right now?"

 

Clarke laughs. "I love you, too, Lex. Happy birthday."

 

They end up being late to the party, but Clarke doesn't really care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only took me 4 months to finish this.
> 
> Anyways, this is the very last chapter of this story. I must say, that I'm pretty happy with it right now, I like how this story ends.  
> A few of you asked me to write a sequel instead, but, as much as I want, I don't think I'd manage to write and update it regularly. I'm too busy with school to write a fic.  
> Once again, thank you all for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. It means a lot to me. Thanks a lot. I didn't think anyone would read this, since it's my first fic, and I'm aware that there's a lot of things I could've done better. I'm very grateful for your support.  
> This definitely won't be my last fic (I have a few ideas, but they're all one shots), so I hope I'll see you guys soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any mistakes and typos. It's my first fic, so please, leave a comment below or on twitter @debnums or on tumblr @ ccstia.tumblr.com.


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